I am the oldest and stubbornest. I am the least talented and the least caring. I have a lot to learn from these two, who surpassed me in patience. I miss them now in my adult life, and in the absence of joining them for a round of Mario Kart, we communicate when we can. It's really tough though, to live apart from people who share a lot of the same memories as you. Especially for me, since they see me as the perfect older sister.

 

My brother just spit out his beverage. Don't get my sister started.

No, really they will have so many positive stories about me. I made them back up dancers, for goodness sakes.

 

That's exhausting. That being hunt for perfection or even a glimpse of it. Does it hide in one of the many facets of our brain; the notion that we are somehow superior in life? So how do we avoid spouting out the phrase, "It's not like it's brain surgery!" when we are caught off pace with our journey to perfection. What if I told you I feel like the bottom of a shoe smothered in gum? Pity me? Send me a video with a snarky smile and chirp, "Everyone goes through something, you are not the only one." I'd rather you pity me. Maybe she didn't mean it that way, but I've also lost touch completely with a few female friends. So, am I banished to the #toomuchfriend zone? I don't know where I fit in the friend zone in any area of my relationships. I am more sure about some friendships, and others I am just saddened by.  But GD, I love my people.

 

Also, this is the truth. Naked truth kind of true. I still need help. It's not even a game of "Oh no, really, it's not necessary" when someone offers me something. I am literally saying, "Yes, I appreciate your offer for help, let me lap up the leftover milk." It's not me giving up or throwing in the towel. Trust me, I'm not giving up. I don't take for granted for a second the moments I have been blessed with, because, pals: my body is growing weary. I've carried multiple fertility treatments, cancer treatments, over 15 surgeries, an embolism, digestion condition, and then of course my brain blunders, and spinal leak and back issues. My mental health is still stuck in trauma phase, because I'm rewiring; so many ugly things to work out.

This is what is coming out in surgery, and what caused a huge health setback last October. I will just leave it at that for right now. I have to ask for trust and grace. It's hard to even be sitting here now composing this. Here I am asking, again.

 

I am fearful all of the time. Fear of failing, disappointing, or hurting someone. Somedays, I am kinder to complete strangers than I am to my loved ones, and that has been difficult to understand. I am a different kind of empathetic introvert now. I have realized the importance of self love and breathing. I am able to give so much more when I am fed by my motivation. It shapes up to be my life purpose.

 

If you'd consider being a part of my team of bluebirds who fly with me, my life will continue in service of others. How much? A high financial goal in the thousands. I can trust what will come will help me with medical necessities. Grateful.