This is the most vulnerable and humbling thing I have done. I’m typically the I can do this myself kind of person but that hasn’t been working so well for me lately. Those close to me know that I have struggled with an eating disorder, PTSD, anxiety and depression, but I still keep these things mostly to myself. The last year has taken a toll on me as I know it has many people. I have found it incredibly difficult to pull myself out of this on my own and I am needing to go back into treatment. In order to do so, I am needing to cover my out of pocket maximum for insurance. I am trying to get to $4000, this will get me in the door. With where am at currently, I am really scared of what happens if I don’t go. 

This is really hard for me to do. Excruciating. To ask for help. To share with others the depth of my struggle. To admit that I have reached the point where I cannot do this on my own. I thought I would be better by now, but here I am. Still struggling with a disease that threatens to take my life, and claims a bit more each time that she decides to rear her ugly head.  Health cannot solely be determined by the number you see on the scale, the size of the clothes that cover your body, or by what your average resting heart rate is through the day. I once bought into that line of thought early on in my disease. I thought if I exercised enough and cut certain things from my diet I could reach my goal. That reaching my goal meant that I was worthy, valuable, acceptable, and as long as I followed the rules I would be healthy. Somewhere along the line, the goal of a specific size disappeared but instead what appeared in its place was fear. Fear of losing control over the one thing in my life that I felt like was in my control when everything else felt so out of control, overwhelming, and unobtainable. But I’m beginning to see, that I am out of control, it is Anorexia that has taken over the running of my life.  I have an out patient team growing with concern as they witness my decline.  As much as I want to deny it and say it isn’t true, they are right. The numbers do not lie. Average resting heart rate during the day is mid 40s to low 50s. Which means my heart rate likely drops to the 30s when I am asleep which probably puts me at risk for not getting enough oxygenated blood through my body.  

Without actually stating my weight, according to the bmi charts, I fall into the underweight category… My lowest number as an adult. To see the number on the scale does not bring any satisfaction but fear that this is the time that Anorexia achieves her goal in taking everything that I have. It’s a somber feeling I have when I can truly see myself. I live in chronic pain and constant fatigue. Heart palpitations if I exert myself too much and loss of strength. I can’t make this comprehendible for those who don’t know what it’s like. Fighting so many battles in my head. Why I can’t just do the thing. Because of this, I am hesitant to say what is going on if I am asked. I have pushed so many people away by shutting myself out, believing that I don’t deserve their time, or questioning why they would even want to know me. My eating disorder thrives on isolation. Losing the connections I felt that I had before has been truly detrimental and I know I am to blame for not reaching out. Shame is a powerful beast. I lost the music, the one thing I always clung to during hills and valleys.  It was my voice… I have heard so many times that recovery is possible and I truly want to believe those who say that it is. So maybe I can find it (my voice) again. But I have the fear of what if it’s not? What if it’s not possible for me?But instead of letting myself succumb to this disease, I am fighting for a chance to get better. Fighting for hope and clinging to the thread that exists. Maybe this is the universe’s way of testing me in one of the areas I fight… asking for and accepting help. I feel so unworthy of it, but yet maybe I am meant to take a leap of faith and step into the dark that there’s help and healing  for me as long as I don’t give up and keep fighting. I have come so far and done so much work already, I hope that one day I will be able to use my story to help and encourage others. I am truly indebted to those who have helped me along the way. If you can help me in any way, please know that it will be greatly appreciated.