Please help Ashley heal and get back on her feet
THANK YOU SO MUCH for spending your time reading this.
(Click "read more" to read my story below)
It's been hard for me to write, very intimidating for me to share, and scary for me to ask for help, so it means all the more to me that you are.
***Want/need the short version? Scroll all the way to the end.***
WHAT HAPPENED?
***Trigger warning***
There’s no way to put this lightly.. I’ve tried. The details are far worse than I am able to share here.
When I gave birth two and a half years ago, a can of worms I had little to no idea about exploded all over the walls. I started to find out that I had been a victim of sexual abuse, as a baby, and ongoingly, at the hands of countless people, for many years. On top of all of this, memories of exposure to extreme violence began to surface. There was also acute cruelty in my upbringing, that left deep marks. Most of this has been blocked out my entire life, but apparently I have carried these experiences in my body and in my subconscious all along. After giving birth, they started to flood in. These events have had a huge impact on my brain, my body, my ability to maintain nurturing relationships and to function in the world (a world I want nothing more than to be a beautiful part of), let alone, to share my innate wisdom and light in wonderful ways. As horrible as discovering all of this has been, it’s also been a huge and strange relief, because it’s made sense of my entire life and all the struggles I never understood.
This was nothing myself, nor my daughter’s father, were prepared for, and it knocked us both off our feet- in different ways. Ultimately, he and I did not make it through this, which added a whole other layer of devastation to my experience. I was sucked down into a painful, life-shattering world. My postpartum depression and anxiety were a symptom of severe repression. I didn’t know, at the time, that I was experiencing ptsd. I tried to get help, but, as most of you know, the large majority of public systems are broken, corrupt, or outdated. So I have been navigating immense trauma with little to no guidance or support, and it has been really hard. All of my energy and efforts go toward caring for my sweet daughter, myself, and just trying to stay afloat. On top of all of this, covid, and me carrying the responsibilities of both mother and father in my household…quite often, it feels like too much.
I’m desperate for a new story, and I need help. I have been sober for almost 9 years, which has been invaluable, and, facing all of this without any crutches has been all the more gnarly. I think, ideally, I would be able to attend some sort of treatment center for intense, complex trauma and ptsd, however, being that I am blessed and entrusted with the honor of raising my amazing daughter, I need to go about this in a different way.
The past two years I have done my best to navigate all this with the help of affordable therapists, 12 step programs, and other people who can relate.. it has been my full-time job alongside raising this magnificent growing love light (which, by the grace of God/Goddess, I have done beautifully, thankfully <3), but I am reaching the point where I clearly see that I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP if I am actually to make it THROUGH this. Without professional help, I’ve been spinning my wheels, stuck in the mud, only able to progress so far. This actually speaks to most of my life. Everyone who knows me has seen me put SO MUCH energy into understanding myself and what was “wrong” with me. Now that I know where this all comes from, TRUE healing is finally possible.
SO HOW WILL YOUR GENEROUS, LOVING CONTRIBUTIONS HELP?
This money, this LOVE, will help me be able to FINALLY get (and afford) the help that I need. I have been receiving EMDR therapy from an angel who is charging me a 5th of her regular rate.. I would love to pay her more. I also need a professional trauma focused therapist, and hope to continue working with my Spiritual Therapist who has been an integral part of my healing journey for over 6 years. With all I’m walking through, I TRULY need all the help/support I can possibly receive. Working with other professionals to help heal my physical body is also really important (ie: massage, alphabiotics, Ayurveda, acupuncture, etc). This pain and trauma has accumulated in my body resulting in extreme sensitivities and tension, which not only make life all the more challenging to live, but also, if not cared for, will almost certainly become more severe issues.
Your generous contributions will help cover my daughter and my’s basic needs for 6 months while I lean into this deep healing and restoration. During this time, I aim to ease my way back into work (generous, love-centered service, for our people and our planet), and need the time and resources to transition Matëah in school. As you may imagine, what I’ve gone through has made it very difficult for me to entrust her to most people, so having the time and space to find a great school for her is the only way I’m able to take this step and open up some space to start to make my own living again.
ASKING FOR HELP:
Believing our experience is quite often a huge road block for abuse survivors. It’s taken me this long to TRULY believe myself, which allows me to FINALLY ask for help.
It feels really scary to ask for help. I'm doing so as a leap of faith, and also because I am consistently reminded that people WANT to help, and that it’s not only okay, but courageous, to ask (including asking for financial help). I DEEPLY appreciate, cherish, and THANK YOU for every single dollar, every single "like," and every single share. I can't do this alone, and am really coming to innerstand that I'm not (we aren't) meant to. It's scary not knowing what will happen with this request- and I'm taking this risk because I believe in Love, in Miracles, and in how much We deeply yearn to care for one another. So Thank You again- for helping me experience the FORCE of Love. Thank you, whole-heartedly, for any and every contribution. I have no doubt that I will pay it forward in the beautiful future.
With all of me, I THANK YOU.
~Ashley
P.S. Apparently, the author of What Dreams May Come, wrote the book (which gave way to the painfully incredible film starring Robin Williams) about his wife who suffered from postpartum depression. Finding this out from a kind neighbor, as I was being dragged through it, really helped me. So I share it for those it may help: whether it validates your own experience, or helps you innerstand the experience someone you Love is having.
Also, the book: The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
OTHER WAYS YOU CAN HELP///IF MORE FUNDS WERE RAISED///SOME OTHER DREAMS/NEEDS I HAVE:
-I’m still looking for a professional, trauma focused therapist- any help with this would be wonderful. Someone who specializes in pre-verbal/early stage sexual abuse would be ideal.
-I dream of having a dishwasher installed in my apartment.. I spend 1-2 hours a day just doing dishes. Due to my sensitivities, there are no restaurants I can order out from, so I am cooking 3 meals a day for Matëah and myself. Doing this, and the dishes that come with it, is SO time consuming. A dishwasher would give me 7-11+ hours a week that could certainly be better well-spent: on my healing, quality time with my little honeygirl, other Loved Ones (who I am rarely getting to see/connect with at this time), and even for myself to relax (what’s that?!), exercise, do things that bring me joy, etc.
-I need a bicycle! It would be so awesome to have one I could take Matëah on bike rides with, but even if it’s just for me, it would be SUCH a gift full of gifts. Getting out of the house for some exercise, sun, air, breathing, outdoor meditation, uplifting adventure, would surely help me so much.
-I’d love a hiking backpack I can take Matëah on hikes with for the same reasons!
-I'm going to need a safe, dependable car- so any miracles/guidance around this would be graciously received.
***I want to acknowledge that I am not the only person in the world (and far from) who has had this experience, and or, experiences like it. I’m not even the only person I know who is attempting to look it straight in the face.. I’ve been blessed to meet others along this path. Bless you. Bless them. Bless the wounded child in each and every one of us. I am, however, the only sober, single mom, healing her deepest wounds during an international pandemic, who doesn’t know where else to go to ask for (much needed) help and support. A lot of people are never able to face these things (no judgment, they’re indescribably difficult to face).. many never even discover that/WHY they’re so lost/in so much pain.. that/WHY they have little to no access to healthy control, kindness, freedom, peace, hope, etc, in their lives. I know I’m strangely fortunate. I know this time and this healing is for far more than just me and my daughter (who is part of Our Future), and I will certainly be honored to help others heal and find their way, thanks to my experience, thanks to YOUR HELP, YOUR LOVE. It will undoubtedly ripple onward, beauty-full waves. Thank you again and again.***
Sincerely, and whole-heartedly,
~Ashley
(If you have any questions, feel free to message me.)
SYNOPSIS: Most of my life I have struggled with being on the planet. Two and a half years ago, I finally began to understand why. Turns out I was sexually abused, for many years, at the hands of countless people, starting when I was a baby. This information surfacing from the depths of my subconscious has been so gnarly. It’s also been strangely relieving because, now, at least I know why it’s been so hard for me to live life. And I’m ready and want to get better, and I need help. The traumas I’ve experienced have greatly impacted my brain as well as my body, and I need a lot of professional help and care to be restored. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that your generosity is an investment in the restoration of our planet and our future too. I have SO MUCH to give, share, offer, and I’ve never been able to harness it because what I’ve been through shattered me. Receiving these next 6 months or so to have access to and lean into deep healing will support and allow me to be free to do the work I came here to do- helping heal others, as well as our beautiful planet.
Thank you again and again <3 ~Ashley