Please help Amanda in this difficult time
Donation protected
In loving memory of Ryan Shellhammer
February 20, 1992 — September 27, 2021
Written by Amanda Morgan, his wife, with memories of Ryan, me, and our 4 children
I met Ryan when I was in high school, either in 2008 or 2009..? I would miss a lot of school because I never wanted to be there. Our math teacher, Mrs. Mudrock, suggested that Ryan tutor me since I was a bit clueless from missing so much. I love math, but learning it is not that fun. Ryan always helped me with math class. We soon became friends. I remember playing Battleship with him by candlelight during the lights-out time for Earth Day. I also loved to play ping pong with him in his basement. I get way too excited when I play sports, so he’d always be retrieving the ball. I also remember driving around with him and doing various things with him. I think I took him to my youth group once, and he would always tell me of a time we went bowling. I’d also bring him with me to buy hair color from Sally’s Beauty. He also accidentally met my mom at the LWC fashion show. I was modeling a dress for the show, and he sat, unknowingly, by my mom.
I never thought of him as more than a good friend, but he must have really liked me for putting up with me!
At some point during this time (I’m not exactly sure when), Ryan was diagnosed with his cancer the very first time. I personally don’t remember this, but he told me that I hung out with him after one of his treatments. He’d remind me of how he walked like a zombie, and I poked fun at him.
Then a time came when we parted ways. I kept his number, though, because I always thought of him as a friend. He said something to me once that made me cry, and I allowed distance to grow, so I wouldn’t bother him. But then time went on, and I remember Charlie Brown made me think of him for some reason. I would text Ryan whenever I watched Charlie Brown and just say, “Charlie Brown.” I think that eventually led us to grow more in our friendship.
We started to hang out again in 2015 or 2016. (If you can’t tell, I’m really bad with remembering dates.) We saw The Secret Life of Pets in the theatre and Finding Dory. We saw The Secret Life of Pets with my mom, and I think Finding Dory was more of a date. I still didn’t really know how much I actually liked him in that way, though. We had a lot of good times as just friends, though. I remember eating dinner with him at a neighbor’s house. There was one time where I told him to meet me at my house. I was grabbing Subway for lunch, and I was late for my own house! He always teased me about that. Ryan also watched my dog for me when I went to Florida with my mom for vacation. While I was in Florida, the magic began. My mom and her husband had a friend who allowed me to stay in his trailer for my time down there. However, the first night there, I noticed a few cockroaches. I’m not a friend to roaches, so I was mortified! I didn’t sleep the entire night, and I ended up calling Ryan. He stayed up the entire night with me because a roach was staring at me while I laid in bed. This is the moment I knew I really liked him and wanted to be with him. What kind of person would stay on the phone with someone because a bug was looking at them? I also remember always calling him at night, and one of us would fall asleep on the phone. If I remember correctly, he got in trouble for how much he was on the phone with me. There was another time where Ryan said something inconsiderate about Justin Bieber, and I yelled at him. I was a solid Bieber fan at the time and had to set Ryan straight. It was our first “fight.”
(I may not be getting all of my memories in order, but I’m typing as I remember them.)
He asked me to be his girlfriend on October 14. I’m not too sure on the year…
I remember him helping with the kids and changing his first poopie diaper. He got poop on the carpet, and I was too embarrassed to say anything to him at the time. Of course, I brought this up years later lol. He always helped with the kids, even if they weren’t his blood. Ryan never judged me for having other children. Instead, he treated them as if they were his own. I remember when we found out we were pregnant. I was so scared to tell him. I thought this would really do it, that he would leave me, but he didn’t. He stuck with me. I was really amazed. I previously had someone tell me that no one would ever love me because I was single with kids. Well, Ryan proved that someone wrong, and I’m so glad he did. I almost believed that lie, but Ryan was my truth.
We eventually decided to move in together and found a place in Mokena. I was living in my dad’s foreclosure with just my children, since he passed away in late 2014. Ryan helped me grieve my dad in ways I don’t think he ever knew. He helped me to move forward, and he helped me sell a lot of things that I no longer had a need for. I couldn’t have done these things without him. I remember selling my dad’s car and motorcycle, and it was so hard for me. My attachment to these vehicles was strong, and I had so many wonderful memories with them. Ryan helped me clear out my dad’s house before it was foreclosed, too. I’m so thankful for that.
We moved to Mokena in 2016 and had a wonderful time there. The experience of an unstable neighbor … The experience of mold growing … The tiny kitchen/dining room where we had to push the table against the wall after every meal because it was so small … The awkwardness of having the washer/dryer in the kitchen … The tiny crawl space basement we found hidden in the closet that you couldn’t even stand up in and had to use a brick of cement as a step … Going to the splash pad in Manhattan and accidentally being in the perfect spot for Labor Day fireworks … Potty training 2 of our children, so we wouldn’t have 3 in diapers. Ryan was such a big help with that!
Our youngest was born in 2017. In 2018, Ryan’s cancer made an appearance again. I remember sobbing to my mom on the phone. I was so scared for Ryan because cancer took my dad in 2014, and I was terrified of a repeat. I tried not to dwell on this thought, though. We had a lot of ups and downs with his health, and it was really hard. He seemed to be mostly OK, though. He had to have surgery when they found the cancer again. When he was able to come back home, we began to talk about marriage. We wanted to get married because we didn’t know what would happen. Ryan’s cancer was so rare that you just didn’t know. We didn’t know how long Ryan would be here, not that we anticipated that his time would be so short. We decided that we wanted to get married and enjoy the time that we do have as husband and wife.
Ryan took me on a scavenger hunt to different places we shared experiences together. He told me why each place was important. Then he took me to Lincoln-Way Central and asked me to marry him outside of the math wing. It was so nerdy but so cute and thoughtful. I really enjoyed his nerdy side. Shortly after, we got married on October 13, 2018. This date is so special because it is one day before our dating anniversary. We “eloped” to the church we were going to, and my best friend and her family were our wedding party. I always wanted the sappy high school romance type of love, and God blessed me with that.
Ryan also had more interventions to help rid him of cancer. He went through chemo medication and gamma knife surgery. Throughout all of this, he stayed strong.
In November 2018, we moved to Manhattan. We were so blessed to get this place. One of my friends lived there before we did, so she talked about how wonderful we are to the landlord. We weren’t the first person in line, but all of the good things my friend said about us perked the landlord’s interest. We were sold. This place was perfect for us and so charming. I was so worried about finding a place, but God really made a way and blessed us. We made a lot of unforgettable memories in Manhattan. Ryan had a lot of ups and downs and had to try more cancer medication and surgeries, but they always seemed to work out for the time being. There was a time when we went on vacation to Holland, MI, and Ryan had to get a platelet transfusion. He also had to do more gamma knife surgeries and dealt with multiple brain bleeds. Ryan was in the hospital for a brain bleed during the riots in Chicago. I remember being scared for him, and his best friend, Jason, drove him back home to us.
There are so many memories I don’t want to forget. I don’t remember when they all happened, but I want to list them here:
— 3-hour private horseback riding for my birthday
— multiple trips to museums, amusement parks, attractions
— August 2021 vacation to Florida to see my mom and grandma (his last trip)
— Car accident that totaled our vehicle, which resulted in my sternum cracking every time I’d crack my back. Ryan always thought this was so disgusting.
— Ryan hated hospital socks but loved wearing regular socks all the time. The last pair of socks he had on were yellow hospital socks with a smiley face. I made fun of him for those because they are so ugly. Now, I carry these socks with me wherever I go.
— He loved video and board games and the Lego Masters show. He would usually lose when we played a board game, though, and that annoyed him.
— He would make fun of my feet because I pick stuff up with them.
— He loved the Chicago White Sox, Detroit Lions, and Detroit Red Wings.
— He played tennis in high school
— He loved having pictures of me on his phone. He told me he’d show his coworkers.
— Buying a new van
— Paying cash for our car
— Paying off our van
— Driving while there was a tornado on the ground nearby while on vacation in Kentucky
— Ryan’s student loans being cancelled due to his cancer (praise God!)
— Praying for so many years for Ryan to get a raise, and he finally did September 2021
— Joining a church closer to home where Ryan began to make new friends
— Ryan beginning to read the Bible multiple times a day and join Bible study groups
— Ryan being my rock through my times of depression and anxiety
— Ryan obtaining the nickname “Cletus” … I’m not sure why I decided to call him that, but it stuck lol
— We would play the punch buggy/slug bug game.
— Ryan making fun of me because I was so smitten with him that I’d smile about how soft his hands were when he held my hand. I would smile and think about this while doing the dishes lol. I told him about this, and he always made fun of me for it.
There are just so many memories. I’m sure I’ll constantly be adding to the list.
All through this time, all through the excruciating crap with cancer, through everything, Ryan stayed strong. He hardly ever complained. He just did it.
Ryan loved me and the children in such a unique and special way that no one else will ever be able to. I am so incredibly thankful to have married such a wonderful man and for the kids to have known and be loved by him.
I will forever miss and love you, Ryan. I hope with all of my heart that you knew this. We both know I could have done more/better, but I don’t think you ever thought that way. I like to imagine you hanging out with my dad in Heaven, waiting for me. I like to think of the house you’re building up there for me, probably ignoring all of your desires to fulfill mine because that’s the type of person you are … giving me the bedroom I want where the entire floor is a bed. You would always make fun of me for that. Building a ranch for me and having countless Arabians waiting for me, so we can go riding together. I bet you’re playing baseball up there and being amazing at it. Maybe some professional ball players are up there teaching you some things. You and my dad can play football together, even though you like opposing teams. I just cannot wait to see you again and feel your embrace and your incredibly soft hands in mine. I’m so happy I was able to lay next to you and hold your hand during the last moments of your earthly life.
We love you, Ryan.
And thank you, God, for blessing us in so many ways … even ways we did not or cannot see. Although I feel like I will forever be totally shattered and that this will never ever get better or easier, God has always provided.
(Not to say that I don’t feel betrayed by you, God, but I know You have a plan … even if I can’t see it. Let this be a testimony.)
February 20, 1992 — September 27, 2021
Written by Amanda Morgan, his wife, with memories of Ryan, me, and our 4 children
I met Ryan when I was in high school, either in 2008 or 2009..? I would miss a lot of school because I never wanted to be there. Our math teacher, Mrs. Mudrock, suggested that Ryan tutor me since I was a bit clueless from missing so much. I love math, but learning it is not that fun. Ryan always helped me with math class. We soon became friends. I remember playing Battleship with him by candlelight during the lights-out time for Earth Day. I also loved to play ping pong with him in his basement. I get way too excited when I play sports, so he’d always be retrieving the ball. I also remember driving around with him and doing various things with him. I think I took him to my youth group once, and he would always tell me of a time we went bowling. I’d also bring him with me to buy hair color from Sally’s Beauty. He also accidentally met my mom at the LWC fashion show. I was modeling a dress for the show, and he sat, unknowingly, by my mom.
I never thought of him as more than a good friend, but he must have really liked me for putting up with me!
At some point during this time (I’m not exactly sure when), Ryan was diagnosed with his cancer the very first time. I personally don’t remember this, but he told me that I hung out with him after one of his treatments. He’d remind me of how he walked like a zombie, and I poked fun at him.
Then a time came when we parted ways. I kept his number, though, because I always thought of him as a friend. He said something to me once that made me cry, and I allowed distance to grow, so I wouldn’t bother him. But then time went on, and I remember Charlie Brown made me think of him for some reason. I would text Ryan whenever I watched Charlie Brown and just say, “Charlie Brown.” I think that eventually led us to grow more in our friendship.
We started to hang out again in 2015 or 2016. (If you can’t tell, I’m really bad with remembering dates.) We saw The Secret Life of Pets in the theatre and Finding Dory. We saw The Secret Life of Pets with my mom, and I think Finding Dory was more of a date. I still didn’t really know how much I actually liked him in that way, though. We had a lot of good times as just friends, though. I remember eating dinner with him at a neighbor’s house. There was one time where I told him to meet me at my house. I was grabbing Subway for lunch, and I was late for my own house! He always teased me about that. Ryan also watched my dog for me when I went to Florida with my mom for vacation. While I was in Florida, the magic began. My mom and her husband had a friend who allowed me to stay in his trailer for my time down there. However, the first night there, I noticed a few cockroaches. I’m not a friend to roaches, so I was mortified! I didn’t sleep the entire night, and I ended up calling Ryan. He stayed up the entire night with me because a roach was staring at me while I laid in bed. This is the moment I knew I really liked him and wanted to be with him. What kind of person would stay on the phone with someone because a bug was looking at them? I also remember always calling him at night, and one of us would fall asleep on the phone. If I remember correctly, he got in trouble for how much he was on the phone with me. There was another time where Ryan said something inconsiderate about Justin Bieber, and I yelled at him. I was a solid Bieber fan at the time and had to set Ryan straight. It was our first “fight.”
(I may not be getting all of my memories in order, but I’m typing as I remember them.)
He asked me to be his girlfriend on October 14. I’m not too sure on the year…
I remember him helping with the kids and changing his first poopie diaper. He got poop on the carpet, and I was too embarrassed to say anything to him at the time. Of course, I brought this up years later lol. He always helped with the kids, even if they weren’t his blood. Ryan never judged me for having other children. Instead, he treated them as if they were his own. I remember when we found out we were pregnant. I was so scared to tell him. I thought this would really do it, that he would leave me, but he didn’t. He stuck with me. I was really amazed. I previously had someone tell me that no one would ever love me because I was single with kids. Well, Ryan proved that someone wrong, and I’m so glad he did. I almost believed that lie, but Ryan was my truth.
We eventually decided to move in together and found a place in Mokena. I was living in my dad’s foreclosure with just my children, since he passed away in late 2014. Ryan helped me grieve my dad in ways I don’t think he ever knew. He helped me to move forward, and he helped me sell a lot of things that I no longer had a need for. I couldn’t have done these things without him. I remember selling my dad’s car and motorcycle, and it was so hard for me. My attachment to these vehicles was strong, and I had so many wonderful memories with them. Ryan helped me clear out my dad’s house before it was foreclosed, too. I’m so thankful for that.
We moved to Mokena in 2016 and had a wonderful time there. The experience of an unstable neighbor … The experience of mold growing … The tiny kitchen/dining room where we had to push the table against the wall after every meal because it was so small … The awkwardness of having the washer/dryer in the kitchen … The tiny crawl space basement we found hidden in the closet that you couldn’t even stand up in and had to use a brick of cement as a step … Going to the splash pad in Manhattan and accidentally being in the perfect spot for Labor Day fireworks … Potty training 2 of our children, so we wouldn’t have 3 in diapers. Ryan was such a big help with that!
Our youngest was born in 2017. In 2018, Ryan’s cancer made an appearance again. I remember sobbing to my mom on the phone. I was so scared for Ryan because cancer took my dad in 2014, and I was terrified of a repeat. I tried not to dwell on this thought, though. We had a lot of ups and downs with his health, and it was really hard. He seemed to be mostly OK, though. He had to have surgery when they found the cancer again. When he was able to come back home, we began to talk about marriage. We wanted to get married because we didn’t know what would happen. Ryan’s cancer was so rare that you just didn’t know. We didn’t know how long Ryan would be here, not that we anticipated that his time would be so short. We decided that we wanted to get married and enjoy the time that we do have as husband and wife.
Ryan took me on a scavenger hunt to different places we shared experiences together. He told me why each place was important. Then he took me to Lincoln-Way Central and asked me to marry him outside of the math wing. It was so nerdy but so cute and thoughtful. I really enjoyed his nerdy side. Shortly after, we got married on October 13, 2018. This date is so special because it is one day before our dating anniversary. We “eloped” to the church we were going to, and my best friend and her family were our wedding party. I always wanted the sappy high school romance type of love, and God blessed me with that.
Ryan also had more interventions to help rid him of cancer. He went through chemo medication and gamma knife surgery. Throughout all of this, he stayed strong.
In November 2018, we moved to Manhattan. We were so blessed to get this place. One of my friends lived there before we did, so she talked about how wonderful we are to the landlord. We weren’t the first person in line, but all of the good things my friend said about us perked the landlord’s interest. We were sold. This place was perfect for us and so charming. I was so worried about finding a place, but God really made a way and blessed us. We made a lot of unforgettable memories in Manhattan. Ryan had a lot of ups and downs and had to try more cancer medication and surgeries, but they always seemed to work out for the time being. There was a time when we went on vacation to Holland, MI, and Ryan had to get a platelet transfusion. He also had to do more gamma knife surgeries and dealt with multiple brain bleeds. Ryan was in the hospital for a brain bleed during the riots in Chicago. I remember being scared for him, and his best friend, Jason, drove him back home to us.
There are so many memories I don’t want to forget. I don’t remember when they all happened, but I want to list them here:
— 3-hour private horseback riding for my birthday
— multiple trips to museums, amusement parks, attractions
— August 2021 vacation to Florida to see my mom and grandma (his last trip)
— Car accident that totaled our vehicle, which resulted in my sternum cracking every time I’d crack my back. Ryan always thought this was so disgusting.
— Ryan hated hospital socks but loved wearing regular socks all the time. The last pair of socks he had on were yellow hospital socks with a smiley face. I made fun of him for those because they are so ugly. Now, I carry these socks with me wherever I go.
— He loved video and board games and the Lego Masters show. He would usually lose when we played a board game, though, and that annoyed him.
— He would make fun of my feet because I pick stuff up with them.
— He loved the Chicago White Sox, Detroit Lions, and Detroit Red Wings.
— He played tennis in high school
— He loved having pictures of me on his phone. He told me he’d show his coworkers.
— Buying a new van
— Paying cash for our car
— Paying off our van
— Driving while there was a tornado on the ground nearby while on vacation in Kentucky
— Ryan’s student loans being cancelled due to his cancer (praise God!)
— Praying for so many years for Ryan to get a raise, and he finally did September 2021
— Joining a church closer to home where Ryan began to make new friends
— Ryan beginning to read the Bible multiple times a day and join Bible study groups
— Ryan being my rock through my times of depression and anxiety
— Ryan obtaining the nickname “Cletus” … I’m not sure why I decided to call him that, but it stuck lol
— We would play the punch buggy/slug bug game.
— Ryan making fun of me because I was so smitten with him that I’d smile about how soft his hands were when he held my hand. I would smile and think about this while doing the dishes lol. I told him about this, and he always made fun of me for it.
There are just so many memories. I’m sure I’ll constantly be adding to the list.
All through this time, all through the excruciating crap with cancer, through everything, Ryan stayed strong. He hardly ever complained. He just did it.
Ryan loved me and the children in such a unique and special way that no one else will ever be able to. I am so incredibly thankful to have married such a wonderful man and for the kids to have known and be loved by him.
I will forever miss and love you, Ryan. I hope with all of my heart that you knew this. We both know I could have done more/better, but I don’t think you ever thought that way. I like to imagine you hanging out with my dad in Heaven, waiting for me. I like to think of the house you’re building up there for me, probably ignoring all of your desires to fulfill mine because that’s the type of person you are … giving me the bedroom I want where the entire floor is a bed. You would always make fun of me for that. Building a ranch for me and having countless Arabians waiting for me, so we can go riding together. I bet you’re playing baseball up there and being amazing at it. Maybe some professional ball players are up there teaching you some things. You and my dad can play football together, even though you like opposing teams. I just cannot wait to see you again and feel your embrace and your incredibly soft hands in mine. I’m so happy I was able to lay next to you and hold your hand during the last moments of your earthly life.
We love you, Ryan.
And thank you, God, for blessing us in so many ways … even ways we did not or cannot see. Although I feel like I will forever be totally shattered and that this will never ever get better or easier, God has always provided.
(Not to say that I don’t feel betrayed by you, God, but I know You have a plan … even if I can’t see it. Let this be a testimony.)
Organizer and beneficiary
Kerry Sutherland
Organizer
Crestwood, IL
Amanda Morgan
Beneficiary