Goodness- I’m so uncomfortable posting this & honestly the sense of failure is all around me.

Grief has taken it’s toll on me in so many ways-
Depression beyond description, panic attacks, chest pains, strange skin irritations that result in hives all over my body,
  I’ve dropped weight to 118lbs (from a consistent  135-145lbs)

My respiratory system is struggling with dropped O2 levels- sitting at a steady 93%,
 I have unexplained bruising all over my body, rest rarely visits and most days I am confined to the bedroom/bathroom- lost for hours in pictures, memories & mostly regret & shame. 

My PCP says this isn’t normal from everyone experiencing complicated grief but the body can respond in strange ways and she believes that is what my issues are stemming from…. The physical reaction to unexpectedly losing my first born son Ashton to suicide. 

Mourning has taken over as my new state of being.

I have been unable to work,  unable to advocate for myself, completely stuck & suspended in this darkness.

For the first time in years I am unable to cover my bills…. My single income has been JUST enough for me to maintain our home and meet our needs (I was really proud of myself @ how far  I’d come 100%on my own) ….now rent, utilities & car payment is behind…. It’s a terrifying spot to be in & I’m having a very difficult time coping/maintaining. 

Please know I have requested government assistance prior to making this public post & unfortunately I dont meet the criteria for assistance on a funded level- unfortunately those programs are bound by the processes vs the individual circumstances. 

Anyone who knows me,  knows that it isn’t in my nature to request outside help…..
Especially from my friends, family & peers- let alone publicly online.
To admit that I’m not capable at the moment to care for myself is extremely difficult & I’ve never before been in this space. 
 
I’m sharing my experience to ask for help….. 
I’m lost, I’m drowning & I desperately need help from anyone in a position to assist.
 
To say I’m in the dark night of the soul is the most fitting statement.
There are no groups, therapy or medication that is able to lessen my pain & struggle.
No matter the positive suggestions & attempts, my grief from losing Ashton overtakes my entire being.

 I KNOW so many others are struggling & trying to survive their own trials & most of you seeing this may not be in the position to help- I totally understand & I hope the love & light finds it’s way to you as well.
Always praying for those like me who are searching for peace & guidance. 
Thank you so so so much to those who have continued to keep us in your thoughts, prayers & loving energy ….. there is no way I’d still be upright without y’all.

Ok I’m ending it there- this was hard

Im sorry that people have to see this post on their feed-

Embarrassing- absolutely

Feeling like a failure- absolutely

Hopeful that my message reaches the hearts able to help- absolutely.

Thank you ALL for your kindness, unconditional love, compassion, empathy & support. 


With love & hope,
Amy (Ashton’s mom-FE17)