Hi there I hope you’re doing well . Sorry ln advance for detail if you can bear with me I truly appreciate it as it’s been so traumatic to write . When a women gives birth it is her most vulnerable time and having a baby is meant to be the best time in her life but unfortunately it’s been the worst time of my life. I had an unforeseen traumatic and neglectful birth here in England. It has been an unbearable nightmare ongoing. I was rushed to have spinal & emergency forcep delivery when I naturally went into labour and not given any option of any other way and I didn’t know any better to challenge the “experts” , I’ve been left with 4th degree tears ( a trainee dr stiched me up with consultant there but it took hours and hours + and at the time I didn’t know she was a trainee ) , fecal incontinence , chronic diarrhoea , open wound/fistula, prolapse , sepsis , E. coli, infections ,wound breakdown , emergency blood transfusion due to risk of cardiac arrest after losing too much blood and anemia , fighting for my life for 2-3 weeks in hospital and then failed diagnoses and gaslighting which meant the repair window had gone . They kept telling me it’s normal and just soreness with a tear and that anything else was in my head . Fresh postpartum and with sepsis I was gathering my own photo evidence of soiling and the excessive wiping , food coming out a new hole but just having midwives , maternity workers and even drs dismiss me until 2 weeks after one staff finally listened and confirmed but said due to the delay now it was too late to repair . It has now been 16 months since birth of my baby and I am still soiling myself daily multiple times there is no pre warning at all.

It has taken every aspect of my life , robbed me of motherhood, taken my career , marriage breakdown / abandonment , family relationships affected , endless hours go on the whole soiling, sitting on loo as more keeps coming , excessive wiping , peri bottle ,shower , bagging , binning then laundry a never ending cycle all while I know my baby is waiting for me. I am at great risk of infection because of the leaking open wound they left by mistake meaning I need to always stay near a shower too. The NHS keep on with excuse after excuse and the waiting lists get longer and longer .

They have said nerve stimulation treatment , sphincter repair surgery , stoma bag , so many different things all which I’ve been so willing despite being terrified of healthcare now as I’m just desperate to be fixed . They give me so much false hope and discuss these things with me but never actually follow through despite my pleas. Intially it was 6 months to even get to see a colorectal surgeon but i have to fight and chase for any help or tests that sometimes I just want to give up to be honest . I also have trauma so it’s very hard for me when male consultants have been doing invasive degrading checks which were all for nothing as they don’t give me any treatment due to long wait lists and then say let’s try medicines to firm stools all of which haven’t worked or more scans . I feel like their guinea pig :( . I have no life I sit next to a toilet nearly all day as the nappy doesn’t contain and it gets everywhere , all down my legs , onto floor / carpet . When this happens it’s mentally a lot let alone scrubbing your poo out the carpet . I feel like a baby or an animal with no control whatsoever . I can be a metre /seconds away from toilet and not get there. I just feel the sensation of sudden pressure and lots of wetness gushing out. Physio hasn’t helped they’ve discharged me as said need surgery for this . I don’t even know who I am anymore . I’ve completely lost my identity . I was a bubbly outgoing social person before. I’m like a shadow of my former self . The nhs only give pads made for urine incontinence so I have to get my own nappies but even those only hold the soiling for a couple mins max therefore i have to stay bedroom/ bathroom bound . I’ve got loose diarrhoea stools daily all since the birth and nothings worked to fix it not medication or natural ways like diet or supplements . I’ve tried everything out there

My elderly mother and young relative have to look after my baby and her basic needs . I get videos on WhatsApp of things like her “firsts” even though I’m in the same home but can barely spend time due to this debilitating time consuming, mentally and physically soul destroying daily occurrence often taking 10+ Hours of the day. It it is my first experience of mother hood and birth , it’s been so dark and depressing . The burden on my family is heavy their lives are also on hold to be carers for me and my baby which can’t be long term due to their personal circumstances. All this i am going through I can’t explain in words but it’s getting to the point of not wanting to carry on anymore as the days are so long , hard and repetitive . I am financially struggling to even afford nappies for my baby let alone my nappies too . I can’t work due to the bowel disability . I soil myself so bad and when I don’t have help it’s unbearable . We both have nappy rash as sometimes she’s waiting for me to get out loo to do her nappy and other times I’m in my soiling to sort out her needs first . I lost my independence and became a dependent and then was also given a dependent all overnight. I’ve tried complaints to hospital , everything begging to have a anal sphincter operation it’s so draining . I have no internal or external spincter left due to the birth injuries. I am writing this praying for a miracle that even though it’s anonymous maybe someone can believe in me and donate as if I could get the operation privately I would be able to be in my babies life present , go out to the supermarket , get a job again to have a stable income , just go for a walk ahhh the thought of that is surreal, maybe be able to socialise , my baby to have play dates etc

People may dream of a nice home , holidays , handbags etc but now all I dream for is a functioning normal bum hole again as funny as that sounds , that truly is my one and only dream I’d give anything for . I feel abnormal compared to everyone else living their life . I am unrecognisable down there it’s all mashed into one big mess even after 16 months it looks horrific and still hurts . I can’t relate to other mums I know or to anyone I personally know as I don’t know anyone who has got fecal incontinence dictating their daily life for this long . It’s so isolating but also I am happy for them as I would not wish this on anyone . I’m so young to have this (30s) and to also have an innocent baby to look after it’s heartbreaking hearing her cry or yearn for me and I’m on the toilet most of the day and night . Although I deeply resent the birth she didn’t ask for any of this or cause it

I just want to be a normal person again. It’s anonymous as it’s so embarrassing and I have thousands of photos of the soiling incidents and videos that I keep to show professionals but not appropriate for here but if you do need proof then let me know and maybe I can show . I am too embarrassed to share a photo of me and baby on here due to the nature of what this is about for people that may know of me . Its mortifying tbh. It’s hard to be bedroom and toilet bound 24/7 the physical exhausting side of the bowel disabilty injuries and the PTSD side all while knowing there is a operation out there that can change my life overnight completely but I just don’t have the funds for private treatment. I’d give anything just to be able to go outside again and not look at the world passing by through a window . I think the worst thing now 16 months on is knowing there is still no operation date because they always say things like they’re taking it to MDT meetings etc I have no light at the end of tunnel to look forward to with no date even set. I’ve been given so many false approx dates that they never fulfil. On top of this I’ve had social services weekly visits , core group meetings , conferences just because of my health even though with the help of mum & and young relative my baby is meeting milestones . They know it’s not self inflicted my birth injuries yet they add unrealistic pressure like babies sleep routine, baby groups and training etc when I literally can’t help or predict when massive amounts of loose soiling happens. The ongoing stress to prove myself as a new mum to them has been unreal and suffocating . The days are so so long but the time is going by so fast in me missing my baby girls life. I’m living at my mums with baby and we have a roof leak too and damp so been dealing with that & things like pip declining help stating to just manage with nappies . They really have no idea. I do not have the mental capacity to do a medical claim. I’ve tried but it’s too much for me to pursue and re live currently with my health issues and husband / my baby’s dad leaving us . If I’m honest I’m just trying to get to the end of each day and survive for my baby.’Just writing this has been so hard but my situation has got desperate after being let down yet again by the NHS. I have endometriosis stage 4 and a cyst too so now having this bowel disability I can’t even put into words what it’s doing to me mentally and physically. I have to fast 18-24 hours just to go to my medical appointments or my babies ones . Any essential outing requires me to fast long periods and it’s really taken its toll I feel so weak and drained and it’s not possible to do long term/7 days a week . Even with fasting I can still get soilings. I’m trying to take life one day at a time because I am getting so so overwhelmed and stimulated by this all. Please help me and my baby have normality to do “simple” things like be able to go to the park , or for a walk and bond together .

I can’t believe through her being a tiny newborn to an active 16 month old toddler I’ve never had a day without multiple soilings to even truly feel some joy in motherhood without the crippling anxiety. I do love her so much so I want to live for her but the post natal depression along with all these problems is wearing me down . THANK YOU to everyone who has donated already whatever amount even a £1 means the world , I am so grateful it has touched me and gave me hope that strangers do care , other mums care and I should try my best

to carry on. Please share my link with others, it’s much appreciated thank you for taking time to read this.

How your money will help ?