Phoebe's Survival After Domestic Abuse

So, unfortunately it's come to this. Again. 

I'm back posting another GoFundMe because despite my best efforts, and the extremely generous donations to my first GFM, things have totally gone off the rails. And although I wish it wasn't the reality, it is, and I need money to survive. 

Over 3 years after escaping my abusive, violent ex, I'm still not divorced, and the extreme stress along with increasingly impossible circumstances have more than taken a toll (and I don't just mean being so overwhelmed that I'm losing my hair). So, as hard as it is to admit, I need help now more than ever. 

There's a lot I still can't say publicly about the divorce, and I've tried not to complain too much. But if you're wondering "well is it really that bad, and why do you still need help after all this time?", here's a very abridged overview: 

- Debt: I'm currently over $97k in debt, with collections and lawsuits piling up that I can't afford to do anything about. As you can imagine, my credit has been destroyed beyond repair. Bankruptcy is the only option, but it's not shame keeping me from filing, it's lack of money to pay for the process. 

- Medical: My health has continued its steep decline, made worse by my ex's termination of my health insurance in 2019 which forced me onto state insurance, if it can be called that. In addition to the egregious lack of coverage, terrible quality of providers, administrative nightmare, etc, I am no longer able to get to any medical appointments because I no longer have a car. If you don't live in LA, ask anyone who does and they'll tell you it's a transit nightmare even for able-bodied people. 

- Disability: Despite my ex's claims that I don't have health problems, my inability to work (which started with a full disability leave in 2017 from which I have yet to be medically cleared to return to work) has only gotten worse. Since 2017 I've had even more spinal procedures, physical therapy, GI procedures, acupuncture, a number of injections, 2 hip surgeries, etc. but especially now that I've been without access to even the minimal followups/treatments/appointments/medications covered by my state insurance, my body is in worse condition than ever. I'm rarely able to leave the house, and often need to use my wheelchair when I do. It's a struggle to take care of myself, to the extent that doing my dishes or showering are often too painful to attempt, so despite my OCD, I'm lucky to do either twice a week. I'm in constant, severe pain and while my original disability & related leave from work was just due to my back problems, since then I've had several other debilitating medical issues that have only added to my pain and inability to function. With even the most basic tasks out of my reach most days, work has been flat-out impossible. 

- Work: If you know me IRL you know that I hate not working - I will literally create and take on new positions for myself if I don't have enough to do at a company, and then bust my ass to go above & beyond with my additional responsibilities. That's literally the reason the last company I worked for hired me. But between my disabled physical condition, the extreme pain, the intense "fibro fog", and the severe stress exacerbating everything, I'm not able to work at all. Trust me, I've tried. 

- Rent: I'm incredibly behind on rent, and while I'm busting my withering buns to try and sort that out, I've also been given an eviction notice. That process seems to be on hold for the moment as I'm trying to work with all the parties involved, but it's still on the table.

- Income: As my only income now is the occasional wage garnishment levied against my ex, which are both sporadic and insufficient to cover 1) what he owes or more importantly 2) my basic overhead, even my immediate financial situation has been decimated. My bank account is currently more than $2,000 overdrawn and counting, with many hundreds of dollars in fees being added at a rate I literally can't even do the math on. Being more than broke is costing me an arm and a leg every day that it continues, and creates a situation where I have no hope of catching up. As I have less than no money and no access to credit at all, I don't know how I'm going to cover the absolute basics like keeping my phone turned on or buying medication that the state insurance won't cover.

- Piano: I've been given until February 2022 to move my piano, which has no monetary value but is priceless to me for family/emotional reasons. It's currently at my former in-laws' house in Massachusetts. I'm looking into the cost of moving it, but 1) even if I had the space to keep it in my own apartment, the potential eviction would preclude that option, and 2) I have no money with which to move it. I can't overstate the sentimental value of this piano, on which I was taught by my jazz pianist Grampa and which was given to me by my beloved Gramma years later. I understand that a piano is a luxury item, but the idea of forfeiting something so deeply meaningful to my abuser (which is what happens if I don't move it by the deadline) is absolutely devastating. 

- Legal: My ex has refused to pay any of the money our judge ordered back in 2019, nor has he paid any of the negotiated equalization payments or other funds to which he agreed (funds that, among other things, were supposed to help me move the piano). Besides being accused of intentional un/underemployment and lying about my disability by an able-bodied, employed man who was directly involved with and/or witness to my deteriorating health for over 12 years, the thing is that even if he paid everything ordered/agreed-upon to date, it wouldn't even cover all of my legal fees. And yes, there are ways to legally compel him to pay, but having a lawyer do that - you guessed it - costs money. My parents don't even respond to my emails anymore, so support from them (financial or otherwise) is no longer happening.

- Divorce: My final trial dates in the divorce are less than a month away, and in addition to being without a lawyer in the home stretch that's been 3 years and over $50k in the making, I have no idea how I'm going to survive til the trial, let alone after that. Being without a lawyer at this point is awful, but in some ways it doesn't matter if I can't get by until then. Also, since my ex obviously has no intention of paying anything, even a "win" in court is likely to be meaningless. 

So those are some of the highlights, in very truncated terms. The whole situation has a million moving parts, many of which are as interconnected as they are complicated. 

And unfortunately at this point, the only thing that will really fix any of it is the one thing I'm not able to obtain: money.

If I knew of another way to keep myself "afloat", a word so inaccurate I hesitate to even use it, I would do so. I've tried everything else I can think of, consulted with a lot of people about it, spun my wheels til I'm literally sick trying to think my way out of it. But having exhausted every resource I could come up with and tried everything I'm physically capable of and then some, the bottom line is that I need help and I just don't know what else to do. 

My entire life has been destroyed by the domino of events since I escaped, and while I usually try not to complain or open up too much about how bad things really were/are, I just don't have the energy to hide anymore. It really has been that bad, and I really can't fix it myself. 

That being said, I do NOT feel entitled to anyone's money, and the last thing I want is for anyone else to suffer because of things going on in my life. 

If you can't donate, please don't! Healthy boundaries FTW! Protect yourself first! 

If you don't want to donate, I absolutely get it! I would never think less of you for it! You don't owe me! 

If you've already donated in the past, thank you so, so much! I literally wouldn't have made it this far without you, and your support (in whatever form it takes/has taken previously) is endlessly appreciated! 

Thank you all for taking the time to read, share, comment, donate, whatever it is that you decide to do. All of it is amazingly generous, and a huge reminder that there are lots of compassionate humans on this planet. And boy have I needed that reminder.

Be good to each other, be good to yourselves, and wish me luck.

Masks & Hugs,

Phoebe