Hello friends :)

I'm struggling. At times it can feel really bad. I could really do with your help. Life has felt incredibly difficult, and I really need support and connection of many sorts.

This isn't really about the money (although certainly it would help). This feels like the best way to reach you all, to find the support I need, given my often limited capacity to function, and difficulties I can have with communication.

That support might just be a bit of your time; somehow even just you reading this, me opening to sharing this, feels like a step in the right direction. Mostly, I need support to feel less isolated and feel more able to function, to increase emotional stability and mental functioning. I go into a lot more detail about these aspects of my life below.

I need to feel supported, in order to feel like I can live in any way really. In a practical way, basic tasks essential to survival, which can seem overwhelming when faced on my own, become a lot easier when I know I've got company or help or support.

I'm trying to do this by strengthening the bonds of connection, activating community and a culture of care. And as part of that, if there's any way in which I can help you, that exchange would also help me.

It can be very awkward or difficult to ask for help, although I also have a sense of the gift in it all. I want to do this as graciously as possible, and really hope that by doing so I can increase connection, for everyone involved. So please know that I have no expectations of anything, I know everyone feels the difficulties of the world. So even if you don't feel you have any spare capacity - or even desire - to help, I still send you my love, my gratitude for being part of my life, and my wishes for your happiness and health. Thank you x

Parsifal

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I am struggling, a lot, and I have been for a very long time, even though I've found it very hard to express. I've had a lot of deep depression, fatigue, fear and anxiety, existential confusion, and extremely strong feelings of loneliness, which can make it very difficult to function. At times, thinking straight, having enough energy or focus to do anything beyond the easiest tasks, has felt totally out of my reach. It often feels like I just don't have the capacity, knowledge, or skill to look after myself, or do basic things which are necessary for survival in this world. And I've felt deeply confused: who am I? Am I even human? What do I want?

(I'm a bit wary of them as labels, but I also know they can help, they have helped me, and maybe they can help you understand a bit better: I can tick a lot of the boxes of Neurodivergence, autism, adhd. And sometimes other symptoms from other 'disorders'.)

I've come to realise that a large part of what makes it all so difficult is down to my isolation. I'm not meant to do all those things on my own, its no longer heathy to be as alone as i have been. It's taken me a very long time to be ready to admit that. But I've also been extremely wounded, and for a long time I haven't felt safe around people, except in small controlled doses.

I realy need people, and have an unbelievably deep yearning for companionship, community, intimacy. The strength of this has left me feeling extremely confused; I have tried to form connections with the wrong people (in some cases, people with harmful intent towards me), which has just made things worse. So I've needed to go inwards to protect myself, and to heal, and to understand who I am. This has been a very long, difficult, deep journey.

And I've simply not been able to express this to most people, or even to see it in myself. I've needed to protect myself from the full reality of it all. Showing vulnerability to others is showing it to oneself, and that has been very hard. It's a kind of pride and a projection of strength. It's been really necessary for me to (unconsciously) control how I'm seen - which is stopping me from expressing myself fully. One of the things I'm bringing back from the edge is a very strong sense of how much my sense of self is constructed by the tribe around me.

And yet, I've been working so hard to uncover who I am, what makes me, no matter how ugly it might be. I've gone to pretty extreme lengths in this, in order to try to heal and live well. Even as I've gone to great depths to try and be present and honest with what makes me, I've always expressed an optimism, a faith that 'in the end I'll be fine.' This has helped me, and I've also used it as a kind of mask, to distract from the reality of the difficulty, the fear and the pain.

I've been pretty good at creating masks and personas for myself in my life. Now, in order for that 'in the end I'll be fine' to be true, I need to drop all that and be really honest with myself, to face the fullness of what I've been hiding, and to share it. Only by sharing this can I interact with the world from a place of anything like strength. I've only recently discovered how much I need this.

I can be extremely sensitive. Yet I am committed to facing what needs to be faced, in order to find balance. And I don't think I am capable of this in isolation. I don't think I'm capable of functioning well, without that support in regulating these feelings which otherwise overwhelm me and leave me floored.

(I can also express all this as: I value truth unbelievably deeply, and as much as I need to be with people, I find something within me suffers when it's at the cost of honesty (the normal pattern of this 'civilisation,' a generalised and very well disguised hypocrisy and system of repression, and pushing discomfort away onto other people, the earth, etc. - which i feel very strongly, and which im doing my best to - joyously! - break free from). And this truth is a felt, body sense, very closely connected to health, mental functioning, etc. It's also quite simple, and as I get better at expressing basic facts about how I am (who I am), it becomes more fluid and flexible, less idealist and binary, more compassionate...

I know that when I am functioning well, I have very beautiful gifts for the world, and I really want - perhaps need - to be giving those.

I've moved around a lot, I've found it really hard to fit in, to find my place, to find where I need to be. This has been quite destabilising. I feel like I've absorbed a lot of lessons from this, and am much more aware of the need for stability and finding a place where I can begin to synchronise with the rhythms of other people (as well as those of nature...) in a healthy way.

So I really need to express all of this. I have recently begun to be able to express this all more clearly, and it has helped me immensely. It helps me have a much clearer idea of who I am, which I really need in order to make the basic choices of how to proceed in life (at times this has felt absolutely impossible, which is highly distressing). And it helps bring me back into the world, into relationship, as a being who exists in the eyes and breath of others. That has to be done honestly. The kind of relationship I need with the world won't be supported by limited connections based on projections which artfully hide problems. In order to be at my full strength I also need to be able to share my vulnerabilities.

I've also been learning that not everyone is able to understand or feel this in the same way; and I've been trying to learn how to connect appropriately. This is really important. And it really helps to have a wide range of people to connect with, so I'm not trying to unload huge burdens onto people who don't have the capacity to help me with them.

I might have spoken with you recently, or maybe not for many years. If I've projected any mask of things being ok, and this is now confusing for you, I really apologise. It's very confusing for me. It's really difficult to express this weakness and vulnerability, this need for others. I can't do it on my own. I can feel so scared, so lonely, so confused.

And this is a weird medium to express all this in. I'd love to talk face to face about all this. But it's where I am right now.

My state can change quite drastically. I have, in the past, tended only to speak to people when I'm feeling OK, which increases the distortion of what's actually going on. And it's been so hard to be truthful and vulnerable, I've felt so many deep blocks to expression (which are also blocks to creativity, vitality, health...). At one point last year, my voice stopped working for nearly 3 months. At the time I was telling myself things were ok. It's only in hindsight I can see how traumatised and scared I was.

Recently, I have felt this paradox even more keenly: I am in fact feeling stronger, because I'm more able to be present with the reality of my feelings (and practical circumstances), and express them more. Yet, being more open to feeling, a lot of deeply repressed stuff is coming through, so I'm also feeling a lot more of it - a lot worse. I know this is part of a process which can have a great future - I'm asking you to be a part of that. Maybe it's the asking that's most important thing.

But I have begun to feel a lot more confident in myself and my abilities to exist in the world. Being more open is related to that. I used to present a strong show of confidence to the world, but I always knew it was hiding a lot of fear (with the aid of quite a lot of alcohol, and a 30 a day cigarette habit...). Now, after feeling the lack of it for very many years, and not knowing how the hell I could do anything without it, it feels like this new confidence might be built on more solid foundations. And I know that part of my ability to be me in the world is not doing it alone, is letting go of patterns of the solitary self-sufficient male I've inherited, which have kept me so separate, and somehow getting back to finding ways to bring people together.

In many ways I feel extremely lucky. And even all this pain, fear and vulnerability can be a kind of gift. I've been given strength to face all this (which includes some pretty horrific trauma in my family), although only bit by bit, and that has had to be built up over many years with a lot of patience.

And I've been given the gift of many beautiful friends through my life, and I'd love to be in connection, talk, see your silly faces, smell you.

I feel that I now know enough about myself to begin to create more stable conditions which will allow me to thrive; and I don't really want to waste any more time in these heavy loops than absolutely necessary. I feel ready to move forwards, and I really want to start showing up and giving my best to the world.

Some of you may know some of this; some of you have helped me, in various ways. I'm so deeply grateful for this. My sense of a support network can be very precarious. It has felt like it would be very easy to slip through the gaps in all your lives.

MY CURRENT PRACTICAL CIRCUMSTANCES

LIVING:

I've just left Somerset, and am cat-sitting in Suffolk until the 6th of January, then moving to Hastings.

I have a place to stay there for a couple of weeks, then I need to find somewhere to live. Not having huge amounts of money makes this somewhat edgy.

Having spent many years now experimenting with living in isolated situtations, and in community situations, I know much better the balance I need to be close to people and a social life, as well as nature (a very important part of maintaining my emotional stability and mental functioning).

Maybe at first I could do with something basic as a stepping stone. But I also know I need the right kind of space to feel safe in (and if I don't feel safe then everything else breaks down). The relationship with the landlord/other people living there will be important. I'm aiming for space I can feel free to create in.

I've been asking all the people I know there (a handful) to keep their eyes and ears out for any spaces - I would feel much better if it came through the grapevine and personal connections. I'm also looking online, I'm not ruling anything out, though that fills me with much less hope. Estate agents, credit checks, all that stuff is difficult.

FINANCIAL

I am into my overdraft but reckon I can just about squeeze by, with the small amount of benefits I am receiving, for a month or so. It's also possible that benefits can pay some or all of my rent when I find a place.

I have a decent size voiceover job lined up which keeps getting pushed back. I doubt very much I'll see any money from it until end of February at the very soonest. When it does come in it should give me a month or 2 of breathing space.

I have been working on (and am quite confident of) 2 pillars of work which can hopefully provide some stable income. They still need work to get to the point where I can launch them, and maybe you can help me with that. One is OOOWW! (One On One Wizard Work - magical, mysterious, hypnotherapeutic encounters for healing and play), the other is Marketing for Humans, developing really beautiful interactions between soulful beings as a way to grow businesses.

I can also see other possibilities for earning money (and expressing myself) through performing, groups and workshops, and indeed all sorts of other avenues, but without having a more solid, settled base, this currently feels a bit out of my reach. I need to take things step by step.

WHAT YOU CAN HELP ME WITH

Please say hello, let's have a chat, even just a little text, it all helps. If you're at all curious I do have plenty more to say about all this - and lots of other things. If I've only had one thing over the last ten years, it's a lot of time to think...! Regular anchoring is also really stabilising.

Any money will help, obviously, with living costs, rent, deposit etc. My goal is to get settled in Hastings, and find some stability, so I can begin to support myself better. But I feel there is a lot of pressure, and a gap which could well do with bridging.

Currently I'm paying £60 a week for a 2 hour session (very reasonable!) with a mentor (in a deep nature connection/spiritual tradition), which is a HUGE help, by far the most helpful therapeutic relationship I've had (I've tried various counsellors and therapists, they've been ok to good but nothing like this). I've decided to continue even as my funds have dwindled because it has felt so beneficial, such a big source of getting to this point, and given me a lifeline and a sense of solidity. I really don't want to have to give this up.

If/when I have a bit more money, then there are other people who I have worked with in the past, in other modalities, with whom I would also like to renew regular sessions, which I feel would be really helpful for me.

The target for this appeal is what, in my ideal situation, would give me breathing space to find a good home, settle into the rhythms of a community, work on my businesses and art, and perhaps even give me a small cushion, in a way that would really support my mental functioning. But I'm prepared to scrap, and even if nobody is able to help me financially, I know I'll find a way, just as I somehow have been doing. And your non-financial support will be vital in that.

I have not been on social media for many years now, so there are many people with whom I've lost touch. Please please feel free to forward this on anyone you think might want to know, please forward it even amongst people you might already think I've sent it to... I might not have. I don't find it easy to ask for help like this, so I'm still feeling very shy and might not have sent it to everyone you think...

Finally I want to thank my old friend Cibelle, who has also been struggling, and whose own Gofundme helped spur me to communicating like this, although it's taken a few months to build up the courage. Please also help her if you can.

xxxx

Here is some gratitude:) https://vimeo.com/1134767844?fl=pl&fe=sh