Honoring M'Liz and Lance

March Fourth has always been an important day in our family as it is the shared birthday of both my parents - M’Liz and Lance.

But this year - March 4th 2025, after 45 years of shared birthdays - my father- Lance Rutledge celebrates his birthday alone. Heartbreakingly my mom, M’Liz Crawford, passed away suddenly just over a month ago on January 31st.

Mom always said she wanted to live until 88 years old, because she liked that number, and honestly even with living with MS for 35 years, we thought that would happen. Those closest to mom really thought she would outlive us all because of her tenacity, fiery spirit, and just downright stubbornness. Traits that she gratefully held onto until her last day.

We didn’t expect to lose mom this soon and so unexpectedly. But because of her MS, we talked about death a lot as a family. Mom would say, ‘When I die, please be good to each other and take care of your father, girls.’

For 42 years (since I came along in 1982) our family dynamic has been balanced with the four of us - Mom, Dad, Kasia, and Dru - we each had our roles and mom was always at the center. Her sudden and unexpected loss has left us all feeling adrift, and not only in adapting to this new family dynamic with our center gone, but also because we’re grieving the absence of each of our unique individual relationships with her - especially dad. And especially this year, on their first no longer physically shared birthday date.

Dad was with Mama for 45 years. (Can you imagine - 45 years!?) And for 35 of those years dad was not just her partner but also her caregiver. The unbelievable sacrifice and care that Kas and I have witnessed in our dad is astounding. For better or worse, dad never put himself first - mom was the center of his life and while often exhausting, especially in these last 10 years or so - we know dad would take on all the heartache and exhaustion again to have his best friend, our Mama, back by his side.

In this last month, Kasia has, of course, kept to the agreement of taking care of us - even while grieving she has kept our family unit afloat with not only her beautifully feeling and open heart but also with all of the logistical and financial pieces that a sudden death brings - something she shouldn’t have to do.

(And will Kas hate me writing this? Yes, absolutely. But, sorry sister - with mom’s defiant spirit guiding me - I’m just honoring her wishes by acknowledging the lengths at which you go for others - traits mom was in awe of and unbelievably proud of you for.)

And while Kas and dad are a lot alike in how their brains work and how they walk through the world - mom and I were so very much alike - we’re both deeply feeling and loving while maybe a bit guarded behind a protective wall of sometimes firmness, directness, or maybe some humor.

(I clearly got my love of making those closest to me just a tiny bit uncomfortable in the name of a good story, connection, or laughter from my mom.) And so now without my ornery Mama Bear, my biggest fan, who I knew how to love so deeply, I feel off center and unsure how to soothe the two most important people in my life - my sister and dad.

So I wanted to reach out and share about our family’s transition and sudden changes to honor mom's memory and dad's birthday.

In true dad (other people first) fashion - he has begun the donation process of the multitude of medical devices, mobility aids, and supplies that mom needed for her daily life. And soon he will also be donating their wheelchair accessible van. This van, that a wonderful family member passed along to mom and dad a handful of years ago, changed their life immensely.

With this van - mom regained some freedom to get outside of their home and to reclaim a bit of autonomy and independence. It allowed her to experience the beautiful Oregon coast that she loved so very much and for dad to have a vehicle that he could share time and experiences with his best friend of 45 years.

And now, because of dad’s giving heart and his belief in community and mutual aid - he will be donating their van to someone he met while working at the library, who is wheelchair bound because he knows how cruel and isolating our healthcare system is to those with little financial means. This kind gesture will leave him without a vehicle of his own.

I wanted to create this gofundme as a way to honor mom and her legacy, and also her wish for dad to be taken care of - especially in this overwhelming emotional and financial transition and to maybe ease a bit of the sting of this first birthday alone.

So thank you all for reading - these words are just not enough to encompass mom’s spirit and impact. Kasia, who has more of a gift for the written word, is working on a beautiful and true obituary for Mama that we will share soon.

We will also keep you all informed on the celebration for Mama’s life after we have had a moment to grieve this first big date of Mom and Dad’s shared birthday after her death. (Mama always wanted an honest fun party, not a sad, traditional, memorial - so please start thinking about the funny ((and probably embarrassing or slightly exasperating)) M’Liz stories you want to share.)

And please only give if you are wanting and truly able. There is so much happening in our world right now and many of you have already given to us in one way or another, (in addition to your regular mutual aid efforts), so please feel no pressure to contribute if this isn’t right for you now.

If you do donate - please share your name - I would love to know all the folks who this message has reached. If posting anonymously feels better, I would love a private message from you - hearing stories from those who truly knew and loved my mom has meant the absolute world to Kasia, Dad, and me. Also, if you prefer venmo - I can be found at @ledrudru

And because words fail in my gratitude for you loving my folks - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all.

I truly don’t know how I will be able to do many of the things I expected to experience in my life, without my Mama Bear physically here with me. But, I do feel that she is with me in my heart, core values, and in every future genuine interaction with a stranger, in each loving and honest connection with a little one, and without a doubt, in every swear word I unleash at a totally inappropriate time.

I love you to the moon and back again Mama Bear. And Happy Birthday Poops, Kas and I kinda sorta care for you. And I know we will, with mama’s legacy guiding us, continue to March Fourth together as a family.