The hills my herd grazes are aglow with dense grass and dreamy wildflowers. The irony is that my personal life is far from a dream. After almost ten years together, starting a farm from scratch in the middle of nowhere, raising four children, growing a pastured bovine herd, planting gardens and fruit trees, trying to do good for the land and each other and our kids, growth and struggles and change, my partner wants to end our relationship.

Out of respect for his privacy I do not feel it is appropriate to share personal details of it all. I will put it simply from my current place of transition and need: I could really use some help. Like the end product that bovine turn pasture into, I will take this hard time and turn it into fertility.

While creating our farm and raising our children, we have been residing in a 16x24 cabin off-grid with basic amenities and plywood floors for almost eight years now. Roughing it. Six years with one gal child. Four years with two gal children. Two years with the two gals and twin boys. The living situation has been challenging, not what we had planned, but of course life never really is.  Due to county code restrictions we had no viable possibility to build a proper permitted home on this land without a heckuva lot of money. Beyond that, we live over an hours drive and then some from town, from market, from friends with children and likeminded community with common visions of growing clean food, sustainability, regenerative agriculture. While the land out here is  majestic and wild and quiet and a privilege to exist in, living so isolated has brought a valuable lesson of how vital community is. Certainly with children, and especially living a farm based lifestyle, a likeminded supportive community is essential.

This past december my parents generously helped us finance a small fixer upper on seven acres across the valley, right down the road from a handful of dear farmer friends. A warm kind community awaits. The house is in need of major repairs and it will be several months before it is livable.  The living situation at our current farm is increasingly heavy. While I still manage the basic needs of the farm, as well as loving and tending my kids, and usual tasks around the home, in this state of limbo I am struggling to keep it all going and be the thriving healthy stable mama and human my children need me to be. From here it seems the best course of action is to move onward.

So, here is the meat of this ramble. My idea was to purchase a tiny home or some type of temporary dwelling to put me and my children at the new property as soon as possible. This way I can be present to assist with demo and fixing up the home, which will save us money, as well being able to start building the new homestead. Fencing, greenhouse, animal shelters, cultivating and preparing ground, planting, continuing the dream. While we may not be able to fundraise enough money to afford a tiny home, I imagine whatever amount we receive, I will be able to find a used RV or mobile home to use as a living space. Depending on how much funding we receive, I could also build a 10X12 building for more space and an outdoor kitchen. However it happens, I know the sooner we get there, the sooner I can establish the farm operation as means of producing food and generating income to feed and support my family.

While I don't really feel I deserve a hand out and I do prefer to work hard for what I earn, I don't know how to move forward quickly. To improve the lives of my children and my own from this point and move forward, going to live at the new property is the best option.  Several friends suggested I go for fundraising the money like this. I have been hesitant, as I wrote this campaign up nearly a month ago, but in the midst of all this after I had to kill my dream cow peaches when she fell down a steep hill and broke her leg, I sank to a new bottom and somehow gained strength enough to ask for help. I sincerely value being able to ask for help and lean on my community in a time of need. As to my doubts, my friend Melissa in Tennessee, one of the first inspiring female farmers I connected with through instagram over four years ago, said to go for it, and if I happen to get it, just say thank you and pay it forward. And I sure will in every way I can.

If we can get a tiny home, I will put the building to use as a living space for folks and future farmers who want to stay and help and work and learn at our farm. The space could also be used to offer learning workshops for various farm skills and wisdom. Not sure that I would keep an RV or trailer around since they aren't as pleasing to the eye, but any method to get us to the new farm sooner will be a good one. Since we will be living in a much more populated rural area than our current place, I plan to use the new land as a vessel to help feed the local community, as well as a means to lead by example, educate and spread the small farm, pasture based revolution. As we must.

While it is embarassing to admit defeat, I know we all fall down at some point. I have felt hopeless and powerless over the past couple months,  but I know I am powerful enough to keep my spirit intact and tend my offspring and my herd and my future with as much strength and grace as I can muster in the face of less than ideal conditions. There is still plenty to be grateful for and much to look forward to even if it wasn't what I thought the future would look like. The possibilities for growth and good are endless. Still much to accomplish, food to be grown, people to feed, land to be healed, farmy dreams to keep dreaming and fulfulling. This starts with setting myself and my children on a positive healthy path as soon as possible and moving to the new farm is our giant leap in that direction. 

To say I appreciate the support I always feel from family and friends, and long distance farmer friends and likeminded community I have thankfully discovered through the internet magic of good old instagram, seems to say not enough. I am so very grateful for any support in funding, thoughts, care, and kindness sent to my family. The connection and strength in community is moving and humbling and powerful. Thank you for receiving my story.

From my herd to yours with deep love and gratitude,
Blair, Willa, Scout, Tabor & Hawkeye