Lisa's Sober Strive To Rejoin The World

It’s been 7 years since I’ve had a drink. 380 weeks. 2,663 days.

It’s been 22 years since I’ve had a job that's fulfilled me.

I live month-to-month on direct deposit payments from Social Security Disability Insurance. If I am a joyful warrior in this life and my brain is my bow, I’m here to announce that my mental quiver is full of crooked arrows that up until recently shut down my ability to work full time.

I communicate in metaphors, imagery and pop culture references. I laugh when I’m telling sad news about myself. I recognize patterns. I experience emotions acutely. I hyperfixate and self-educate in areas of special interest. This is all healthy behavior, I have learned. It is part of my neurodiversity and it is to be embraced, not embarrassment-inducing. Kids who used to get punished in class for “daydreaming” are now being taught differently because they learn differently and I am here for it.

If my own specific neurodiversity were a music festival, the three headliners in BIG BOLD LETTERS would be Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. ADHD and PTSD are playing the midsize stages and there’s all sorts of little stuff going on in the tents, but we’re not really sure what to call any of it yet. You know, the really deep sub-genre stuff.

I lost my job at The Tennessean in 2002 because I quit drinking. That’s right. Because I QUIT.

I started AA three months before I lost the job. It was by choice. Nobody made me go. I had known for years I had a problem, so when a new friend who I thought was cute casually asked me to go with him to a meeting, I said ok. But that meeting I went to on Hillsboro Road that summer night in ‘02 didn’t take. What it did was completely derail my life.

I learned years later that all the drinking I’d been doing was actually self-medication for a bunch of mental disorders (see above) that had gone undiagnosed my whole life. I want to be clear: when I was 22 years-old drinking beer with my buddies, I was definitely NOT thinking “self-medication,” but that’s absolutely what was happening.

Alcohol wants to kill me. I can’t touch it. But, for a very long time, it eased my anxiety and smoothed the rough edges out on my depression, to the point that I became a pretty good newspaper reporter. I won plaques from the Arkansas Press Association for feature writing, investigative reporting, and for photojournalism, too.

I took a break from my journalism career at one point to be a 911 dispatcher for a year. It’s something I passionately wanted to do and my boss at the time, John W. Troutt, Jr., of The Jonesboro Sun, thought it would be good for my writing career.

I left The Jonesboro Sun a second time to take a job in Washington, D.C., working for Congressman Marion Berry. After a year as a staff assistant, I was promoted to Press Secretary and was one of the youngest Press Secretaries on Capitol Hill.

During the time that I was a newspaper reporter and a police dispatcher and a press secretary, I was also dabbling in the music business. Moonlighting. On the side. I was a publicist for a venue in Little Rock in the ‘90s when I was a staff writer at tbe Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, and I had booked and promoted sold out shows long before I ever moved to Nashville in 2002.

My point is, I was a successful professional for years while I was drinking every day. It took me a long time to get the right diagnoses and treatments for my particular mix of mental disorders. I have been under proper care via St. Bernards Regional Medical Center’s Behavioral Health Unit for 5 years now. For the past couple of years, I have been pushing myself to become sociable again. Routine and socialization are so important for good mental health. This year, I went to a memorial service for the first time in 20 years. Ironically, it was for my beloved kindergarten teacher who took her own life at the age of 81.

For years, depression kept me holed up inside the house. I couldn’t go out. I cut off relationships. Suicidal ideation put me in the mental hospital twice. I have been to jail. I feel like I’ve lost 22 years of my life. Now that I am sober and on medication and in therapy, I am praying that I can get back to working fulltime doing the things I love.

This is my New Year’s Wish: I want to work fulltime again, to be able to support myself while giving back to things bigger than myself, and to prove to Social Security Disability Insurance that I don’t need them anymore.

I want to work my way off of Social Security Disability. I am very fortunate in that the amount of SSDI I get every month is on the high end. I get $1,400 a month. My rent is $1000. My ends do not meet. Far from it.

For years – ever since my grandparents, who were more like 3rd and 4th parents to me, died – friends have supported me financially. The car I’m driving right now belongs to friends who live down the street. Last year, I was driving a different friend's car. I get gas money for this car from another friend entirely. The cell phone I’m using right now was bought by a friend and is being paid for monthly by the same friend.

I don’t want to keep living like this, depending on friends across three states financially, especially when I am feeling better mentally, and better emotionally, than I’ve ever felt. I would love to see what I can do working NOW, as opposed to when I was a very active drunk. Who knows, maybe the booze was my secret weapon and I will really be terrible at doing what I love now that I am sober and mentally regulated, but, I doubt it.

I am using this GoFundMe campaign to ask for $35,000. I arrived at that number this way: I was in a conversation with a professional photographer, excitedly telling him that I was feeling well enough to work again, and he raised one of his lenses closer to my face and said “Yeah? Well, start saving up. This lens cost thirty-five grand.”

I immediately thought “thirty-five grand would change my life.” And it would.

I would use $15k to a buy a good car from Carvana. They deliver, give you a 7-day test drive, and warranties are available. I would use the rest of the money to rent an office for one year, to get glasses, and see a dentist. I am confident that if I can get set-up in an office, where I go to work every day, and am entrenched in a positive routine in a controlled environment, I can do great work again. I can make a living again.

I have so many new projects going now that I would manage out of that office.

I am one of five people launching a non-profit to fight hunger in a very direct way in Arkansas. I am managing a music artist in Texas I worked with when I was a drunk in Nashville. He, too, is sober now.

I am shooting sports photos again and want a desk with a computer where I can sit down and actually edit and transmit the photos I shoot. I have a camera now that a friend bought for me, but, I do not have a computer on which to edit the photos.

I have a journalism project about baseball in Arkansas in the works with a TV news producer here in Little Rock.

I am managing the music production and release strategy of a compilation album.

I am working on a series of interview profile stories about amazing women.

I am so thankful to God for my rebuilt relationships with loved ones and for my new work opportunities. I am thankful to my doctors and therapists for how far I’ve come clinically, and to all my friends who continue to help me simply get by. I could not live without your help, friends. So, yes, I have a come a long way. But, I desperately want to move a little bit further forward, as far as bettering myself and my station in life. I just want a chance to live life again as a working and active member of society, earning a living doing the things I know I can do well.

I ask you to pretend that I’m an artist you remember who is looking to make one more album. Or, maybe I’m a politician you like who is looking to fund one more run for office. I feel like I can do so much, but I need help to get there. I need YOUR help.

If I am able to get a vehicle, in addition to my other projects, I will be operating a private for-hire car service and airport shuttle, which I’ve done well before, and each and every one of you who contribute will be offered discounted rides. I’ll also guestlist givers for any shows that I promote in the future that you want to see. All you have to do is reach out and tell me which show.

I understand that this is a bold ask. I am not homeless. I am very fortunate. I am swinging for the fences here with my wish to work again, i know this. Please know, any amount at all is sincerely and deeply appreciated.

Thank you for reading. May God bless you as He continues to bless me. Love to you all.

And, hug an editor today, if you know one and if it is legal for you to do so. Appreciate editors. It is terrifying for an old print journalist to work without any human editors of any kind. So, please do forgive any writing whoopsies you see.

Some pics from the old working days: