The Real Me

TLDR: I’m broke, trans, and can’t afford top surgery alone.


Hi, to everyone that's here, my name's Gavin. I know I'm asking for a lot of help here, but the highest amount I had for a quote was exactly that scary figure tied to this plea. I should probably start with me, who I am, and why I'm here, asking for help in any way possible.

I'm 23, for starters, and I'm transgender. I haven't always known that I was, but I've always known I wasn't who I was supposed to be. From wearing the baggiest and most masculine clothes I could find in high school to insisting I was interested in men and women, I've taken a lot of steps to find myself here, now. I didn't know when I was a child, I didn't know when I was a teenager, and even when I was an adult, no longer in my teens, fresh into my twenties, I didn't have a title. I didn't have something official to stamp above my head like a Sim. I never knew I was trans, because I never wanted to accept that I was anything but a girl.

That life was so glamorous. A handsome husband and kids to match, a successful life. The picture of perfection that everyone dreams of, but it wasn't for me. I could never see myself giving birth or being pregnant. The thought, for whatever reason, always made me uneasy, uncomfortable. I felt like I was imagining a person in my clothes, walking around in the life that everyone dreams of and hopes for. With that uneasiness in my own skin came anxieties, insecurities, depression. Through my early years of high school, I was at my worst. At times, I contemplated the ramifications of taking my life. I considered all the outcomes, what would come of it. I never tried, but the thoughts were there, plaguing me. A virus from the inside out. As I got older, things tapered. I learned to close myself off from my emotions more, to keep myself guarded /from/ myself. Never a healthy option.

In a flash, I had gone to prom, graduated, and I was in my twenties. Things turned quickly from there. I became dear friends with one of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and through him, I found myself. I was never swayed, never told to believe this or to think that. No, I found it on my own, as I suspect anyone does. No one can tell you that you're trans. You have to know yourself; you have to accept it, accept yourself. Everyone finds out differently, in their own way. Whether they had the positive influence of someone in the media or someone close to them, everyone finds their way. My own was a bit... well, I think it's silly. Embarrassing, at times, but it's my own revelation all my own.

I found my revelation through media. A video game, through a character who played such a miniscule part in the overall scheme, and yet they were who I focused on. Now, they weren't trans themselves, not canonically, but that wasn't why I was so interested in them as a character. Fictional or not, they spoke to me in a way I can only now describe as mirroring. They mirrored who I wanted to see when I woke up in the mornings. They were who I wished I was, who I thought I could be, if I tried hard enough. The only stipulation was they weren't female. They were male. Of course, women can find inspiration from male characters, just as men can find inspiration from female characters. From nonbinary individuals to males, females, everyone alive on this planet, anyone can be inspired by anyone, anything, but it spoke to me that I found such a striking resemblance to him in myself. To myself in him, as well. From his snark to his coffee addiction, his attitude and the way he held himself, I saw myself.

I brought my curiosities to that very same friend, and through talking with him, I decided to experiment. Why not try a masculine name? What harm would it do? After all, it would be with him only. It was a trial period, something to help me figure things out. In the short two week stint I took to find myself, I spent every night in tears. Whether I was heading home or driving to take him to get chicken nuggets in the middle of the night, I found myself in tears, wishing and wondering if I was going to find the answer I needed. Was I trans, or not? How would I know for sure? I tried binding one afternoon with cheap knockoff ace bandages, only to take them off two minutes later from the discomfort of it all. In those short two minutes, I saw myself in a way I hadn't in a long time. I saw me. Sure, it was brief, a little glimpse of what I always aspired to be, but my eyes were on my chest. Flat, curved a bit as pecs would, still a bit chubby but flat. With my long hair held atop my head, I cried. Staring at myself in the mirror in the middle of the afternoon, I cried in my bathroom.

Then it was testing that name, having his roommate call me by it, which she accepted so openly and lovingly. It wasn't until I made a silly little wallpaper, something to see every day I logged onto my laptop to help me come to terms with the name, to help me ingrain it in my own head. BE GAVIN. When I tell you that making that wallpaper was the last little barrier, trust that I cried until I was spent on tears for the weekend. I had my answer. It came with doubts sprinkled in, little concerns and worries. What if I dislike myself in a month? Will it be too late? Should I cut my hair first? Should I buy more men's clothing? Boxers, socks, etc? So, I did. I cut my hair, the shortest it had ever been, a masculine cut. Not exactly what I wanted, but close enough that looking at myself the next morning, I felt more of my self esteem return. I was more myself, more the man I was meant to be from the start.

Then, a binder. Two. Masculine clothing, fun shirts that were a size up to stay baggy. Cologne and hair dye, bleach to help that dye stick. Little steps here and there until I started testosterone. I cried the same disgusting tears as when I made that silly wallpaper. I had my prescription the same day, did my shot as soon as I got home. I had officially started my path, my journey. Now, nearing two months, I've come to a realization. This is why I'm here now, asking for your help.

My largest hurdle is this. Top surgery. I've done all my research, gone through countless doctors reading patient reviews, personal testimonials from true patients, articles and blogposts, reddit threads recommending or scolding certain surgeons. Finally, I found one I like, one I would trust my top surgery with. The only issue is money. Without insurance or enough income to support insurance as well as cover necessary expenses (not to mention putting money away for a home), that figure is daunting, impossible. Currently, it is the most opportune time to begin the path toward top surgery. Living with family, I'm able to rely on a registered nurse, my aunt, to aid in my recovery. While I am out of the game of life, albeit temporarily, my mother will need someone to care for her. Whatever funds I do not need for my surgery, proposing the true price is less than his highest quote, will go toward saving not only for a house for my mother and I, but for those very same expenses I will not be able to tend to.

Please, in whatever capacity you are able, whether it be a promotion or a donation of even a penny, I ask for your help. Help me take the next step toward the real me.

Thank you.
<3 Gavin, a human, just like you.