Olivia's FFS

Hi, I’m Olivia - a writer/artist/bookseller/university employee living in London, alongside being a volunteer at Camp Trans and an occasional fundraiser for London Trans+ Pride. I’m also a trans woman. I’m starting this fundraiser to give the people in my life, if they would like to and are financially able to do so, the opportunity to help me undertake Facial Feminisation Surgery in the near future.

I know this text is a little long, so the main thing I want to convey is that this surgery, to me, is a celebration of the person I am and the place I’ve found myself in, especially in the last few years - a movement closer towards myself rather than a pushing away.

If you would like to support me in doing this, I’d be more grateful than I’ll probably be able to express (although I’m sure I will try). I do want to stress that, obviously, there isn’t any pressure to contribute even if you are financially secure enough to do so - if you have money to spare and you feel that it could go further elsewhere, especially right now, I completely understand.

I wrote most of this text about a week ago; I’m trying not to let the most recent UK news change what I’m writing here, because I don’t want all of that to be part of this fundraiser, and so:

I transitioned a while ago now, which I’m very grateful to have done. It shaped my life in so many amazing ways, and, I hope, made a positive impact in the lives of those around me. As well as bringing me a great deal of everyday happiness, it made me more open, more confident. Transitioning was about trying to live honestly and authentically, letting people in to the way I saw myself and the way I desired to be, and making a concerted effort to shape myself and my way of living in ways that were good for me and those around me (not so differently from the way in which every person does in all the little choices that make up a life). I love being trans, no matter how difficult being trans may sometimes be.

The surgery I’m getting addresses things which hormones can’t change, and works to reduce signs which traditionally read as ‘male’ to people (often unconsciously) and develop during puberty. Afterwards, my face won’t really look all that different, but the small changes will make a big difference to the reality of day-to-day life.

I also think it’s important to say that this is something I’m doing because I like my face! I don’t want to swap my face for a new one, and that isn’t what the surgery I’m planning to have does. I didn’t transition because I hated the person that I was, or because I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be me, and I liked being me; I transitioned because I wanted to be more of the myself I already was, less bound up in fear or shame. My desire for FFS comes from that same impulse. Of course it’s about the practicality of wanting to be misgendered less, reducing that pain. But it’s also because I really enjoy being out in the world - and there are things about being visibly trans that can make for unhappy internal and external obstacles to that (you know this already, I know).

I don’t want to write this from a place of crisis or urgency. If you’re reading this you already know about the state of things. I don’t want a decision this personal to be a response to the staggering transmisogyny of the present moment, and I truly believe it isn’t. This isn’t coming from a place of desperation; I’m writing it from a place of gratitude and happiness about my life as a trans woman, and that’s the place from which I’m choosing to do this.

I transitioned because I loved the person I knew I was and I didn’t want to pretend to be anything other than myself. This surgery is the same; it’s a love letter to my face, impossibly vain I know but guess what? That feeling can be good actually. You could call it self-esteem or self-assuredness if you want but you don’t even have to, because, whatever it is, it’s actually a way out of narcissism and into the world - especially a world that can feel like it wants you out of sight, especially a world like the one we have right now. I want us to look each other in the eyes, and not have to worry anymore about my fucking brow bone getting in the way.

Thank you for reading this! Thank you for being in my life! Whether or not you’re able to donate, I’m so grateful to know you.

All my love,

Olivia