January 7, 2025 I was on my second day of the new job I moved to after making the decision to leave Lowes, it was a better work life balance, considerably higher pay, and what promised to be far less, let's call it toxic, my last few months with Lowes were horrible. I was living on advil, tums, energy drinks, and nicotine. I had a constant headache that never went away, I lived with it, some days it was so bad that I'd be nauseated, but throwing up only caused a stabbing pain in the back of my head. I had gone in at 8am on the 7th, was working on merchandising shower curtains lol, an hour to go, next thing I know I'm standing there, in the main aisle - not where i was, out of sorts, arguing with a paramedic that I just wanted to go home. She was an absolute sweetheart once I kind of came to a bit, I feel so bad for how much of a jerk I must have been (so I fell, who cares, I need to rest up, do laundry, get back to work at 5 am). She figured me out, "you're bleeding and you peed yourself, you need to go to the hospital". Sure enough, covered in blood and pants wet, not a good combo, got on the stretcher, remember waking up in the ER. They said I had a seizure, not the case, but didn't find that out til a week later. Spoke with the doctor a bit, asked if stress might do it? The previous year my step-dad died (march), my dad died (july), had a horrible fight with family members (ill never understand how people can tell you that others would be happier if you were deceased, or how disappointed people that meant the world to you would be while in the same breath saying you shouldn't exist, the list goes on, but the closing statement was, "you're dead to me"). Cool, right? People that are meant to love you, shape you into a better human while growing up, general theme. Don't get me wrong, I had fantastic people in my life, I've had to bury most of them at this point, and I will miss them for the rest of my life, but I'm grateful for the time, knowledge, and guidance for the time I had them. Grief sucks, and I offer sympathy and support to everyone reading this, I know all of us have experienced loss, and please know, it is ok to cry when we miss them, even 5, 10, 15 years later. Love and care for people doesn't go away just because they did. Back to the story, my manager did not handle Frank (stepdad) death well at all, I called Wednesday and told him that I was not going to be in Thursday, had to go to PA and clean out his car, pick up his effects from the hospital, so on. Seeing the car, being in there, being in the spot that he died was a lot (also less than 16 hours later). I made it back home, called my boss, told him I needed a day, was met with "everyone has things going on, call Jason, see if he'll switch". While I'm sobbing, I has to play "let's make a deal" to be able to have time to grieve. My dad? I straight up said I was going to be out, I was scheduled for vacation the next week (for my birthday, first time I've ever taken off). I also got to hear from someone how much my father hated me, first time after his death, but not the last time, and not the only person. Then the work stress, those who know me know what was going on there. The doctor agreed that stress may indeed have been a factor in the incident. He advised that after release I seek PTSD counseling for the things that have occurred in my past, as well as the episode? Accident? Head and floor meet and greet? I had a ton of tests, blood work, scans, got to see a picture of my skull (skin and hair ripped off )then got moved up to the ICU. Seizures meds, sponge baths, private room, good times that I don't remember too much of. Apparently I watched movies and talked to people. No idea. I do know that my head and hair were covered in blood and all I wanted to do was shower, but they said no.

First thing I did when I got home (after puppy cuddles) was take a bath, the amount of blood that came off of me was nuts, it's all I could smell. I went right to sleep after. Woke up the next day thinking my eye was crusty, nope, swollen as hell. I think I put a picture of the black eye that showed up days later, it was crazy. I went to primary care, follow up after hospital, he told me my heart stopped (who tf restarted it??) Was given instructions to stay in bed, go to cardiologist, etc. That week I got a phone call from a neurosurgeon, missed it of course, voice-mail scared the bejesus out of me, called back, had to leave a message, queue crying and panic. He called back, his wife was my trauma nurse and disagreed with the seizures, she saw something in my scan and gave it to him to look at. Chiari Malformation, Lil bit of my brain is outside my skull, (I call it my brain tail lol). Neurologist said that I went into "chiari crisis". Went over all the things with her, pass outs in my life, headaches, etc. Now, you have to know, throughball this I have 0 health insurance, the hospital bills started coming, over 100k just for the ER. 2 months later, all money is gone, 3 months later all cards are maxed out. Mortgage company calling, creditors, etc. No income, I was very lucky for people donating to me then, they kept me afloat until my home sold. I did well enough to catch up, but then hops health declined rapidly. His seizures got worse, took him to the vet for his vaccinations, he wound up being intubated and sedated, he couldn't breathe. He's now on multiple medications and it's a struggle, he goes from sweet and playful, to cloudy eyes, twitching, and biting (he's got a strong jaw and sharp teeth). Vet says he needs to go to a neurologist (7k for diagnosis), I too need to go to a neurologist lol. I've heard our pets will imitate us, he's taken it to the next level. I had applied for assistance (my plan was to go back to work and figure out what to do after I'm insured and have an income) and was denied. I was able to get a job, however my brain is not braining the way it used to. I couldn't remember how to count a register to 75 00, I froze and almost passed out, causing my peers to panic. I forget so much, if I don't write it down, it's done. Have to set alarms for everything. Even routines that I keep for weeks, one day? Gone like I never did it before. And the weird stuff I do, like the syringes from hops medicine, I give it to him, fill immediately. I couldn't find them anywhere....I put them in the washing machine. No idea why.

If you've made it this far, I thank you for your time, and patience. Back to the neurologist that I was seeing. The final option for chiari is surgery, cutting a chunk of skull open, putting in a shunt, then rocking a helmet for awhile. My surgeon doesn't want to do that yet, it might not even help the issues I'm having. She dug her heels in and wants surgery, I trust the surgeon more than her, for him it's money and he gets to cut, why would he say no... know what I mean? So now I'm here, vision all screwed up because of the intense pain in my head (I don't think the screen is helping, but giving you the info felt important)

The last time I checked, neurologist 500 bucks for an appointment, im hoping they can use the scans from last year, but they'll probably want to see what's changed, so that's 800, hops medicine runs around 350 a month, my advil habit rivals the budgets of small countries. I really just want to go to the doctor, figure out a plan of what we need to do, medication, pool floaty plug to drain the excess spinal fluid in my head, something. The had found shadowing in my brain, typically in people with high blood pressure, but mines stupid low, im actually healthy for all the stuff wrong with me lol. There was something about not enough oxygen getting to my brain, which would explain a lot, but we need to fix that.

OK, I gave you 5 days of reading lol, if anyone has questions, please feel free to message me. I'll answer anything as honestly as I can. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has already donated and/or reached out. I love you guys and wish everyone the best possible day, only to be overshadowed by the awesomeness that tomorrow brings.

2/19- My head was feeling sore and tired yesterday. I slept ok, which was a nice change. Actually left the house with Joe for an hour, my head started hurting again, sun was incredibly bright, but something weird happened, colors don't look right. Red is the worse, like stop signs look like a berry color. Red car drove by and the red looked almost fake, then the pain over my eyes got worse. I'm feeling pathetic right now, I want to do stuff, but the pain got so bad throwing wash in that I got dizzy. Buggies is sleeping a lot, which is good, I guess. I woke him up to "go be nosey" lol, hold him outside so he can check out what's going on. He really is such a good boy, im lucky to have the opportunity to have him in my life, bites and all.

2/16- I know everyone is having a rough go of it these days. I just wanted to say thank you again to all those that were able to help out. I cannot express my gratitude enough. I got lucky yesterday, my head was just pressure, but by early evening I got, what felt like an ice pick, between my eyes. I couldn't see for a few seconds, and everything was insanely bright (shut the lights off). Doodles has been off all day, seems exhausted, looks to be acting drunk from time to time. He's asleep now, I too will be heading to bed. In positive news, I got out of the house today, not very long, but I managed to stay calm. We talked about it, it's frustrating having the feelings I do, my mind knows that whatever could happen, save a car wreck, would happen at home regardless. I'm going to stay positive, keep giving my boy all the love and pets I can, and fingers crossed - no power saving mode. The fear of hitting my head again is really eating at me. I hope everyone had an amazing day :)

2/10- the pain in my head is constant, my vision is a bit off, seeing floaters, and a bit dizzy. I currently have an overly medicated dog in my arms (he had a bad morning, he's finally calm or comatose, whichever). I really don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I can't help him, outside of what I'm doing, I've gotten to the point that going outside is causing me to panic. I need to do the ptsd counseling, neurologist, something so I can get back to living. I wish everyone the absolute best and hope what's causing you stress, resolves. Life is too short to feel any negative way for too long. We're all going to be OK, no matter what happens.

2/8- Sorry it's been a few days, my head has been an absolute mess. I haven't had pain like this since I called out from Lowes, the anxiety has gotten worse, I keep thinking that just a few weeks after l had pain like this is when I passed out and hit my head. There's been so much going on (noise wise) since the pipe burst, hops has been on edge, he's been ok-ish since the bad night, til today. We're trying to get him to calm down, he's all twitchy, I'm sneezing my face off, which is making the shooting pain in the back of my head more consistent. I'm still looking for a work from home position, I don't know what to do anymore. I just really wish things were different, having to ask for help makes me feel more useless. I appreciate all of you guys and I'm grateful for waking up today and I'm going to keep looking forward and thinking about what good tomorrow is going to bring (instead of what fresh hell lol)

2/2- Last night was rough, Hops had a bad night, he woke me up by attacking my hand. It happens, when he's not doing well, his eyes get a white haze to them and he can't see that well, along with his brain not processing that he loves us. I got up and sat in the living room for a couple hours. I myself am not doing so well either, my vision is funky, been a bit light headed and unsteady. I cried for about an hour, got a bit of sleep, now I feel like I have pins being stabbed in my temple. It's fine, everything is fine. I wanted to thank everyone who has donated, you guys are amazing and I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I really hope I can get into a neurologist, I still need to go for PTSD counseling (I've been instructed to do so by the ER doctors, Primary, nurses, apparently your body shutting off is a traumatic event and the past few years have taken a toll, which makes sense as far as the not driving, the anxiety of being alone, etc). I really wish I would have pushed harder when I was younger regarding the headaches, but for whatever reason I was "just being dramatic". Weird that there's scans out there that prove what I was saying. Ok, im starting to tear up, thank you guys again for taking the time to read my ramblings. Have an amazing day, and I hope the week is kind to all of you.

1/29 update - hops (bugs, doodle, borkious von arf face lol) is running low on one of his meds, I ordered them from the vet, 120.00. As soon as the weather breaks we'll be doing another yard sale, I'm hoping that helps. Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read this, I appreciate you guys and I truly hate asking for help, but I've once again reached the point of no choice. Things are going to get better, they have to :)

We passed the year anniversary of the "accident", I don't even know what to call it. I will be eternally grateful to everyone that helped out, it means the absolute world to me. In the past year, several doctors appointments, we reached an impass between my neurologist and neurosurgeon. Surgeon wanted to explore other options prior to cutting open my skull, doctor dug her heels in. Money ran out, I had stopped paying everything just to cover COBRA (which I gave up on when no one would budge) and mortgage. I did sell my home, after paying back mutual debts, splitting the "profit", I played "let's make a deal" with creditors, I was able to settle with some, thankfully, and work out plans with others. I did make an appointment with a GP (guy that scared the bejesus out of me lol) to see if there's anything we can do to help the random, blinding pains in my head, and address the brain not braining like it's supposed to. The conclusion was getting back to work, getting insurance. Cool, I can do that. I got a job, couldn't count, basic math, and was having panic attack after panic attack, I was honest the whole time with the manager and we parted ways after I almost passed out in the office. He has said that I am more than welcome to come back whenever (which I will). After I was hired, we took hops (most of you know the seizures had been getting worse over the summer) to the vet for vaccinations, a 5 minute visit turned in to hours, and us almost losing him. He had to be intubated and sedated, he's on 3 medications now to try and keep the seizures frequency down. He gets meds every 6 hours, and needs to be kept as calm as possible. The next step is a neurologist, I checked out pricing and it's around 7k to diagnose. In this time I struggle to drive, the 4 minute drive to my moms results in shaking and crying. Most of you who know me, actually know me, not the version of me that some people like to share, know that I was so independent. I wouldn't think a thing of jumping in the car and driving to Virginia to visit family after work, or driving in the middle of the night to help someone that was stuck/needed a ride, never feared standing up for people that were being mistreated in any way. Now? I cry, feel useless, and lost. I have spoken with a woman that also suffered from a TBI, the pains are the brain healing, and forgetting things? It'll come back, im still working on staying positive and moving forward, but it's proving to be more of a challenge than I can handle on my own. My hope is to be able to find another neurologist and go over everything to come up with a plan of attack, I'm not ok with being a rutabaga or a burden to those I love. I did just complete a clinical study with stonybrook, and am looking into the details of another one. The cost of specialists is insane, but unfortunately I need them. I do apologize for the length of this, and I thank you for taking the time to read it. I am sorry to ask for help again, I pray that this all ends happily and I can get back to living life and helping those that I can.

Photos: me and buggies, bugs at the vet, the spot I hit my head a year later - a few baby hairs and scar