Emergency Repatriation

I am now over 50 years old and It is with great shame and desperation that I am asking for help from strangers after trying to get out of Central America by my own means since 2010.

I have written this text at least 10 times because the few times I have opened up I have immediately regretted it. I can see how powerless and uncomfortable people who care feel while others tell me it's my choice and to deal with it. Neither is helpful and I feel even worse each time. I am now staying away from people because I cannot lie and pretend anymore. I have run out of ideas on how to survive and nowhere to be.

I arrived in Central America to work on a wildlife rehabilitation project in which I invested most of my savings and energy for a year. By the end of the year I was traumatised by the sight of all the abuse the animals suffered and had a huge mental breakdown. I moved from Guatemala down to Honduras where I became a diving instructor. The plan was to get into a routine of working for 6 months saving money and to spend that money on a project the other 6 months and repeat. I took the first year living like a regular person and at 30 years old I had a job I loved and was motivated by the thought of continuing to volunteer on projects using my earnings to help fund said projects. I had a dive incident and left without enough savings to buy a plane ticket out and started to work as a waitress earning minimal wages. After a couple of years, I realised that no matter how much I worked I would not save enough money for a plane ticket out and the realisation that I could not go back to do the things I am meant to be doing on Earth brought frustration and guilt.. Living just to live is not a motivation to me and is not acceptable. The idea of these projects is what motivated me to hold on as a kid and I cannot forget about all the bad things happening all around the world. I cannot imagine not doing anything to make it better. To me, if I cannot do anything for anyone then my life is not worth living. I became obsessed with ending my life. I plotted and took action by getting rid of everything I owned so no one would have to clean up after myself.

. After my failed attempt (long story) I adopted a dog in Honduras thinking that since I had a life I didn’t want it made sense to give it to a dog destined to a miserable future. From that moment, I dedicated my days to provide the best life for her and that was motivation enough to force me to get up in the morning and move my butt to get my life back together and work.

My depression and the non desire to live didn’t end but everyday I had to keep my promise and would get up and find ways to earn a living to provide for the both of us.

I cannot afford to lay down for days and dwell on my guilt and frustration as I need to make money.

My goal was to go back to my home country where I could work and earn real money.

I worked every single day that I wasn’t in the recovery process and forced myself to behave like other people by interacting. I taught myself a lot of new skills such as sewing or jewellery making and selling through Facebook and walking on the street and beaches.

I always had the hope to make enough to save and get out to straighten out my administrative situation and be able to do real work again.

I held on until my dog died 13 years after adopting her and was free to choose between ending it or believing again that I could get back to being self-sufficient enough and get back to work for charities or rescue projects.

I know many people won’t be able to understand how I get to be in this situation and think my embassy /consulate will help repatriate me but it is not that simple.

* Fact : my consulate told me that even if they helped me get a plane ticket I was still the one who had to come up with the money for it and because they would be the ones taking care of booking etc..I would be charged anything between 7000 and 8000 euros….a ticket costs around 900 Euros…I told them my situation and said they couldn’t help me because I have not lived in my Country for over 15 years and have not registered income since I left in 1996. I will save you the details but basically I lost the right to any type of help and would need to work in my Country for 3 months in order to re-enter the system and apply for some benefits. The good side is that I do not intend on receiving benefits as I can get online work.

Covid lockdown forced me out of my shack and I started living in a tent selling all my work material to eat, and did odd jobs when possible. One person gave me food, another let me keep the money from selling their Ipad. Every little bit helped keep me alive.

I was lucky and sold most of my material and budgeted my food ration. I was very lucky to find a housesit for the 6 months of the heavy rainy season. I somewhat managed the basic food. During that year I worked on my writing and digitized 5 years of journals that I also used as reference for a couple of novels. Books about travels, working your dreams and how to do great things with a sensitive mind.

The past 3 years have been especially hard but kept trying hard and working in the hope of getting out.

I have no choice but to hustle by harassing people on their vacation for them to purchase something from me. I am a loner by nature and being forced to approach people is not only draining but it can take hours for me to prepare for the exposure. Every day I just hope to make enough for food and a bed. The level of stress is so high that I cannot sleep more than 4 hours per night as my brain is trying to figure out ways to make money.

This past 12 months, I had to move 44 times between pet sittings, camping, dormitories, and rooms. My financial situation is such that I have to choose between food and basic hygiene products such as soap, shampoo and women’s pads. I am wearing other people’s clothes that are not my size or make me feel uncomfortable.

All my life I have mastered keeping myself away from triggering situations in order to function and provide for myself. In the past years, my financial situation got so bad that I cannot afford to rent a permanent place for me to hide and take a break throughout the day to recover from the outside world and regain control of my brain to continue working. Living in hostel dorms and having people in my personal space all day long and being forced to be exposed to people chit chat, cell phones that seem to be on speaker all the time is keeping me unnerved and on edge. I want to shout and tell them to shut up or to keep their music to themselves, I want to smash their phones in their faces …but I don't because that would make me an abuser so I restrain myself and my whole body breaks on the inside as I am keeping a straight face. I am in a constant state of fragility and my meltdowns are more frequent and more debilitating than ever before. I have reached the point where I am losing hope as I am mentally becoming weaker and weaker and less capable of approaching people to sell.

Gofundme is my last chance to get out and have a chance to take care of myself and get my life back together so I can go back to being the driven person that I am, to go back to do the things I believe in.

For me to be able to get work I need to re enter the system.

With the evolution of technology and my many years of being in my world I have lost all the administrative requirements necessary to apply for real jobs even online.

* I do not have a way to be paid. I do not have a bank account nor can I open one where I am because I do not have the legal requirements for it

* The paypal account I had set up with a friend's bank number is about to be terminated because all personal information is from different countries (bank is not my name and USA, paypal account created in Nicaragua, french nationality,, address and phone number in Costa Rica) all this found suspicious by Paypal standards.

* I do not have a social security number

* I do not have a tax number

* I do not have an address

* I am overstayed on my visa and illegal because I cannot afford the etra cost of the PCR test (cost $90)necessary to renew.

I am asking for your help so I can go back to France and start working to be self-sufficient again and my great hope is to go back to fund projects that protect victims of abuse whether they are humans or animals.

I also need to take care of my physical health as I haven't been able to afford treatments for arising issues. My eyesight is so terrible that I cannot read anymore. I have a dying tooth that creates migraines and paralyses half my face, bringing me to tears for days, I use clove as a natural anaesthesia but it is just not strong enough anymore and that tooth needs to go. A couple of years ago I had an accident while teaching surfing and my calf got strangled by the leash leaving me with a massive clot that I have managed to reduce but still can bring me to tears if I stay up or sit for over an hour.

I just cannot continue this way and need to take care of all this.

I have been drowning for years and feel that I am on my last breath.

My dog taught me that one smile was worth my life. Maybe I cannot save the world like I was planning to but I can help someone have a good life, one life at a time.

The problem is that it has been too many years now that I cannot do any of that.

After so many years volunteering and spending my money for projects, I find myself on the other side…

I Am the one in need of help.

I presently owe $900 that people lent me to pay for food and camping space during the rainy months when there are no tourists. This month I have a room and working to give back that money and in 10 days I will have to go back to my tent.

I feel ashamed, guilty and useless.

I have never been good at living for myself. I always had a reason to live and that was always being able to help others.

After all these years I have finally accepted that alone I cannot make it out but I cannot accept knowing all the things I know and having all the desires I have to do good and not being able to be who I am.

I feel that my soul is being trapped by my physical stagnation.

I have a plan:

* Plane ticket to France

* Rent a room in a town where I can register my name into the system.

* Once I have an address and a phone, I can open a bank account.

* I can go to the office in person and get a tax number as well as a social security number

* With all the above administrative registration I can finally publish my books and notebooks on Amazon to sell.

* With all these above numbers I can go back online and start my work as a translator again.

* I can launch my website where I sell print on demand items from my own wild photography. For this, I need to create a micro-enterprise to register legally. Need tax number, bank etc

* In the past years I have spent a lot of hours preparing myself for work. I have everything set up in detail. All I need is to exist in a system and register for all my online work and shops to start selling.

* I have a whole project about fear and faith that includes books, podcasts, videos and support merchandise. All ready to be launched.

* I have 2 novels and 4 diaries already edited and formatted ready to sell.

* I have a list of websites to get micro-jobs.

* After the conversation with a French admin, I figured I could settle everything in 3 months, going from office to office.

* There are so many projects I can help flourish. I have so many ideas to help fund projects I have found on the way. People who do not have the time to both physically care and get fundings. I can teach people so many skills to start a business- I know its ironic because I am not doing it myself, but remember I don’t have administrative history. There are so many things I can do and will do as soon as I legally exist.

I am asking 5000 because I think that I can start with that. I figure it would take 1000 people donating $5.

I will use this money for:

* Transfer to my country -Plane ticket- buses-taxis-suitcase-

* Clothes suitable for travel to cold weather and one pair of shoes ( except for one top all I have is hand me down and not my size and just shorts and small tops, no shoes)

* Rent a room -deposit plus month rent- for the first 2 months of arrival while I run from office to office to register my existence

* Emergency dentist and clot treatment..

* Food until I am registered and able to apply for work

It probably won't be enough but I Am hoping to be legal within 2 months and get a job (as well as selling jewellery online ) and hopefully be able to provide for myself from there.

I would love to give back all the money sent to me as soon as I can provide for myself.

I assume that some of you will want to know more about how I got into this situation and will want to know if I am real or not. I have written a whole post on my current website to complement the information given here.

I am hoping to be able to hold on and get out by the end of March or April at the latest. If I know There is an end to this I can motivate myself to struggle for a couple more months.

Thank you so much in advance for your trust and support. I promise that I will do every single thing I mention….and I am definitely adopting another dog as soon as I can.

PS : I fully trust the person setting up this account for me and know that she will get me the funds whenever available to her.

Thank you