No One Sees Me...Can You?

I started to write a book about my life of Trauma but some of the pain and memories have been so hard that it's been difficult to write, nevertheless, I slowly continue to write in hopes of helping others that suffer too. I'm running out of time so here I am sharing the secrets of my life with the world in the shortest version possible to not only hopefully help my current situation but to ensure that some way, somehow my voice is heard. In my cover photo is a few snaps of my life's journey: the little girl is me at about 3...it's the youngest I've ever seen a picture of myself, the one with my Sister placing a "Shave for the Brave" hat on my head is one of my many fundraising ventures (little did I know at that time I too would experience a cancer journey), the other is me ringing the bell on the last day of radiation at the cancer clinic and the picture of the man is my oldest deceased brother, Master Warrant Officer Ronald John Lacey and his 2 deceased dogs that he wanted to be buried with at his favorite place, his cabin in Cappahayden (after 2.5 years of trying to grant that for him, his remains have not been returned to his family because of greed...further details below).

My name is Kathryn Nichol (Lacey) and I'm a survivor...here's my story. I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and, in any situation, whether it be school or work and particularly family. I always felt misunderstood and when Mental Illness wasn’t a “thing” I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me or how to fix me so I buried most of my life deep within my soul and moved on like it just never happened. Mental illness is not a choice and because it's so invisible many don't see or understand it. I appreciate the growth it has given me and the resilience I developed from it, but I would have preferred to live a normal, happy, uneventful life. No one would choose this pain and difficulty, especially when it results in people categorizing you as crazy, nuts, or the famous one in Newfoundland dialogue “Go on, b’y, something wrong with you, you need help”. I do need help! I just thought I'd never have to ask for it for myself and certainly not publicly. I was the giver, the people pleaser, if help was needed and I could do it, I did. Growing up feeling unloved, unwanted, worthless, disconnected and a failure has chased me through my life. The hurt and pain followed me and the child inside of me I just wanted to forget her but no matter how hard I tried to make everything good in my life there was no escaping what happened or how it affected me.

I don’t remember anything before about 3 years old but the vivid memories I have has stolen not only my childhood and now my life, but it has stricken me with mental health. Children need love, patience, understanding, nurturing…I didn’t know what that felt like, I became the nurturer, and I had to grow up fast. My entire childhood purpose in life was to take care of my Grandmother from the age of 3 until 12 (she was 71 and I was 1.5 years old when I was given to her by my father). My childhood was stolen, and I wouldn’t come to understand her physical & mental abuse for a very long time; to me, this all seemed normal. I just knew that throughout that time I wanted to go home with my Dad and 4 siblings...I was simply a sad little girl who never just wanted to say Mommy and Daddy every day but never would, I wanted to be loved.

I was sexually abused from age 4-8 years, and at the age of 12 I was drugged and raped and I had no one in my life with whom I felt safe enough to tell. At age 13-14 I finally got to go home with my Dad and the abuse changed to severe mental and physical abuse from my dad (I never knew what they endured until adulthood). Nonetheless, I loved my dad with all my heart, I forgave him and I just wanted him to love and accept me. I was so skilled at taking care of people (I'd been doing it since I was 3) I became a caregiver to my Dad for 2.5 years at every level after he suffered a stroke...I didn't abandon him as he did me.

My mental health has been affected since I was a young child I can at least date it back to the age of 7 when I started self-harming. Mental Health has been a part of my life, but one doesn’t go through what I have been through unscathed. Despite my dysfunctional life, I learned to become strong and resilient. I have 5 college diplomas, 3 of which I graduated with honors. I raised a family. I was successful in all my jobs and have never been dismissed from any of them. I proudly work at our province’s only Pediatric Hospital with the last few years being extremely difficult and stressful at every level due to COVID.

Two years ago, I lost my brother during COVID, he served his country for 32 years with multiple exercises in war-torn countries. I was devastated over the loss and crushed over never being able to bury him. A family member and an estranged "girlfriend" ganged up on our damaged family and interfered wrongly and illegally to gain access to my brother's estate and after they removed him from life support without contacting any of his immediate family, with each of them lying and telling different stories of how they disposed of his ashes with the "girlfriend" stating she threw them out in the garden where her dogs pee and poop…there was no closure. Again, I picked up the pieces and moved them forward and again I sought professional help to assist me with the grieving process of my brother. I continued to work and be a contributing member of society with no signs or symptoms of anything unordinary except severe grief and anger from people I thought I could always trust.

Jumping forward to June 2022…I was surgically treated for Breast Cancer. I tried to stay optimistic and after a week of recovery, I returned to my job awaiting the biopsy of my tumor and the next course of treatment (20 rounds of radiation). I was determined to keep strong and jump back into my life and returning to my job would give me the focus I needed to not dwell on a life-changing experience. Unfortunately, I started waking up multiple times at night not being able to breathe…I’d never experienced this before but soon learned I was having panic attacks. As the weeks went onward those panic attacks worsened and realistic nightmares of horrible events in my life began along with an inability to control my emotions which in turn affected my focus daily which is extremely important to be able to perform my job. My unfamiliar symptoms continued to worsen to complete exhaustion and on August 12th, 2022, I could no longer work in that condition. My job is part of my identity and coming to terms with having to take leave was not an easy one, but I knew I needed a different kind of help this time and needed the time to get that help.

I’ve tried to understand what changed in me since my Cancer Surgery and why I couldn’t continue to be the strong and resilient woman I’ve worked so hard to be. After much self-reflection, I have realized that I couldn’t control my cancer as I had my life. Cancer changes you, it changed everything for me. Every day I look in the mirror and the scars are a reminder of this terrifying diagnosis. After all, I had been through and conquered, I couldn’t change this path. I worried and continued to worry, as I’m sure many cancer patients do, whether they got it all and what if I have it somewhere else…it consumed me.

I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder in September 2022. I have not previously experienced the symptoms of PTSD, I have not received treatment or a diagnosis of PTSD before this date and yet my Long Term Disability with Canada Life denied my claim as a pre-existing condition and the disability coverage for my Hyundai car payment with Cumis also declined my claim as a pre-existing condition even with the support of my healthcare team confirming that PTSD was not a pre-existing condition, I was denied because of my past history of trauma. Trauma is not a condition it's an event...we all experience trauma in our life at some point...some worse than others but not every person will develop PTSD from that Trauma.

My husband (also with a disability) and I have worked hard all of our life. Eight years ago we were finally able to purchase our first home, a fixer-upper, and we put our heart and soul over the years into renovating it and making it our forever home, one that I never had. We have been almost 2 months without an income and because my husband had a bad year in the seasonal fishery his EI income is less than $600 bi-weekly and I now have nothing to contribute.

The last 2 months of survival mode have deteriorated my mental health considerably. Today, January 20, 2023, I was not only denied my long-term disability but I was told by a financial advisor that without a viable income and because of the arrears I have incurred over this past couple of months that my only option is to foreclose which means I will have to be out of my home in 30 days once foreclosure happens and any day now my car will be taken too.

It's never easy to ask for help and it's even harder to do it while sharing your life's journey. I'm great at fighting any and every cause but my own. Today as my body shook from fear and exhaustion and I was just feeling defeated and ready to give up and just throw in the towel on life and accept my destiny but then realized that I've never been a quitter and I deserve to be here and I deserve to be heard and seen. Despite the events of my life and how I have been treated, I am a good person. I am the Newfoundlander who would give her last slice of bread, I am the person that is kind, loving, and caring and even though I've had to humble myself to ask for help and may never receive it, I will know that I continued to fight for my life, I didn't quit and I have a voice through sharing my story with the world.

So here I am standing in the rubble of my broken life asking for help to give us some time to figure things out...I am simply just not well enough physically or mentally to go through losing my home and possibly losing my family of pets: 2 dogs, 2 cats, an African grey and a Senegal parrot...all rescues that mean the absolute world to me, they comfort me. Rental properties that allow pets aren't easy to find. I know there are so many people in the world that are in need but I just need time to figure things out...30 days is just too short to pick up my life and move it at my age and in our health condition. Many thanks for reading my story and seeing me.