I may not have the right to even ask for help, but ive learned it'd okay to do so when needed. I am a recovering addict. Out of the past 17 years, I have only been clean for around 5-6 years, bouncing in and out of addiction. Wether it be alcohol, cocaine, weed or my d.o.c opoids. Ive spent my entire life afraid of the outside world, I've always thought I was just lazy or a leech. But I'm kind and caring and a hard worker. I just didnt know who else to blame but myself. Im currently 75 days clean and in a sober house. I moved from Massachusetts to California, and was granted the honor of a scholarship into an aamazing rehab. While out here I learned that a lot of my issues stem from childhood. My extremely poor memory of my life is due to disassociating. I can't give you more then a handful of memories before 9 years old. My mother was a great mother, but my father was a monster in my eyes. I have nothing but fear and disgust that stem from my memories of him. Even the memories I have now are but images tied to a feeling. Ive struggled my whole life to figure out who I am, why I feel so different, why I was always awkward around peers. Why all my relationships failed even though I cared greatly or loved them. Why I always kept my mouth shut and took abuse from relationships, friends, co-workers, strangers. I've always been too scared to speak up for myself, for what's right, for people who should have been defended. I don't want to be afraid anymore, I want to live, I want to love, I want a life of purpose. So, I came here with a goal. A chance of a lifetime for someone like me. I'm working the program to the best of my ability and several people have noticed a drastic change since my first days at the rehab. I myself have noticed a change in how I view things. Change doesn't happen in a day. It's progress not perfection. Today I start my day with positive affirmations (contrary to everything I've ever known) and the serenity prayer. God, give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am more self aware of my actions, emotions, and decisions then I have ever been. I take self inventory as much as I can. If I stray from my current path, I am course correcting until I eventually just stay on the path desired. Helpful as always to my peers but better than ever before. My goal as always, is to be of service to others, but in a more meaningful way. I want to make a difference in people's lives. Im not sure where exactly I belong just yet but working within the rehab community seems like a healthy and noble direction. So many of us don't get this chance at a second life and the ones that do deserve people with heart. I am fortunate to be one of those people who is surrounded by kind, caring , knowledgeable people. Because of it, I now believe I still belong here and have a purpose, that I matter. That one day at a time, I can take this life by the horns and succeed. I don't want to go back home. When I left it felt permanent and I think that was for a reason. California is expensive. Im currently looking for work. I had an interview yesterday working with children with autism, hopefully I get the job. I've had a few other interviews/hits and will keep looking until I find a decent job I can do with the restrictions I currently have. I'm not asking anyone to pay my rent, just help maybe getting a bed, some furniture, appliances. Only the things I need to survive and live decently. Do I deserve it, that I don't know but I'm hoping you do. I don't know if I can answers questions but I'd be happy to do so if possible. Even if you don't donate, thank you for taking the time to read this. The pictures you see are from the progeam I am in. Be safe and take care of yourself.