Hi everyone.....This is Kat and from my heart I appreciate all the prayers and positive energy everyone has expressed these last few months....Honestly I could not have made without the loving messages on Facebook from you....Starting this GoFundMe was extremely difficult for me, asking for help Is not easy because I know so many of you have endured such hardship over these last few years ...But honestly I am so scared and afraid right now of becoming homeless and I know I can not make it without some financial help to get me through the next few months....I am trying to get enough to have some time to sort out what is possible for me after Eric's Death....
***On Dec 12th. my husband Eric Nepp had a medical emgerency, it presented like a stroke...Because we now live in Big Bear Lake, a mountain community he had to be airlifted by helicopter to an Emergency room...I was not able to follow him because I don't drive (due to panic attacks & anxiety)....Eric never returned home....The next few months were so heartbreaking as we spent the Holidays alone....Eric was alone in the hospital, me alone on the mountain...This was the first time in 16 years that we were apart....Everyday I felt like my soul was being ripped to pieces as he faced endless tests and surgeries alone....He suffered with social anxiety from Aspergers his entire life and in a hospital setting it was even more challenging for him to express his feelings & body discomfort...He never complained or wanted to be a bother....and all the nurses said he was so incredibly sweet.....But it was killing me that he was alone and suffering...It became clear that this medical emgerency was not a stroke but something far worse.....I did as much as could over the phone, coordinating medical records from point A to Point B...I had been his caregiver and advocate for over 16 years after he had a Liver Transplant in 2006...His Transplant had many complications which were Life Changing....So we were used to hospital stays, broken bones, infections and additional surgeries...broken hip... ileostomy....but this was the worst medical situation since his Transplant....When we moved to the mountains we hoped that the local hospital could support medical emergencies but it does not...We were already dealing with chronic illness and struggling financially was just our life.....We dealt with and juggled endless medical co-pays and medications for many years.....So when this emergency hit there wasn't money for uber rides or motels rooms near the hospital....We had both burned through our 401ks & savings years ago...One of the main reasons we moved to the mountains after we lost our home was to a have less expensive rent (we own a manufactured home but pay monthly rent on the land's space) ....My Etsy shop was doing good the first few years on the Mountain but once Covid hit my numbers were low...Etsy gave me the flexibility to help Eric during the day and then create art or jewelry at night or around whatever Eric needed...I hoped to have my business get healthy again once Covid was over....I have no regrets being his caregiver because it was an experience and expression of love...but I am broke.
***Normally I would have been with Eric everyday of the hospital stay, keeping him company and keeping him moble with range of motion exercises and walking in the hospital hallways...but this time Eric faced the crisis alone....My heart feels the full weight of how alone he was through the Holidays and these last 2 months....The first month I was able to speak to him twice daily over the phone but after his symptoms (no movement in his right arm) it indicated something neurological ...He was subjected to 3 brain procedures that left him unable to communicate or express his feelings or thoughts...MRIs showed multi abcesses....After his Craniotomy he was labeled uncogntive....Biopsy wouldn't grow cultures...it wasn't a virus...it wasn't bacterial...The medical team suspected a fungal infection and they started IV treatments of heavy duty antibiotics...He was NOT able to eat...his Liver Function numbers were crashing....They discovered esophageal fistulas...put in feeding tubes...stents in bile ducts....He was wasting away in a bed unable to communicate.... I wanted to bring him home for Hospice so he could see Zoey (his emotional support animal) ...I felt this was too much suffering to endure.....Then at one point it seemed like maybe the weeks of antibiotics were working and his mind was clearly a bit...The choices we faced at this point were heavy...to keep treating & fight the abscesses even though he was bed bound or come home to die.....It was a painful Limbo of not knowing and endless days of waiting...Honestly I cried every day because I just wanted him home...All this time medical bills are piling up.....Eric was then transferred to a Skilled Nursing Facility to continue another month of treatment but he didn't last....On Feb. 19th. his blood pressure dropped extremely low, he struggled to breathe and died....
***There are no words to fully quantify my grief and pain....My heart feels so dead and hollow, like the love and joy has been drained out...I can see I am broken and I feel like I am dead ....It's an insanity that is surreal where my mind will feel him near...I swear he is still here but simply in another room...Especially in the morning as I am waking up, there are those first moments were I don't remember he is gone and then it hits me...all over again that he is gone and the grief washes over me again, in painful waves...He is gone....BUT I can't have my feelings or remember the good days....I can't take a moment and grieve, there isn't any money...Bills need to be paid...death certificates need to be bought...I need to keep a roof overhead.....I have to pick up and keep going.
***I just need time...I can sell his car in the future for a bit of money...have a super SALE in my Etsy shop...I can put a new life plan together...Get my buisness going again....Start looking for local work now that I am no longer a caregiver but SOMEHOW I have to survive the next few months...I desperately need help for food, phone, rent and other bills...
***The last 4 years here on the mountain have been beautiful....Eric & myself didn't need much because of the beauty that surrounded us.....Eric took long walks every day with our pup Zoey...We enjoyed hiking & sunsets....I created art and jewelry for my Etsy shop...Eric loved working on house and playing computer games.. .It was a simple life that we both loved...
***Eric will always be my hero because his life was extremely hard...full of physical pain from chronic illness and torment from being misunderstood due to his Aspergers...but he never dwelled or complained about life...He never held a grudge...He had a natural gift of living Mindfulness where he didn't dwell on the loss or pain of the past...nor did he worry about the future....He was always in the moment....I was grateful for this because I am the opposite, he could always bring me to the safety of the moment...YESTERDAY no longer exists and who knows what tomorrow holds.....Eric was extremely funny, a smartass...and truly sweet.....unbelievably authentic in how he lived life....In his youth he traveled the world with his family that he loved dearly....He worked at Knott's Berry Farm in the Entertainment Dept as a Tech and later production & carpentry for 35+ plus years. I meet him at Knott's when I was 28 years old and he was 30. It was so fun working with him and experiencing that together. We both loved Halloween Haunt and creating...When he lost his job it was the only time I saw him truly broken....but once he got Zoey, our Shiba Inu I saw him pick himself up, reinvent himself to face this new phase of life..When we lost our Condo and were homeless for awhile he treated the entire experience like a vacation..When we found the mountain community of Big Bear Lake he embraced it and became my Mountain Man...He loved the tall trees...the lake...the snow....And these last four years were the best years of my life...More than anything I am grateful how he accepted me and supported me as an artist....He knew all the ugly pieces of me and accepted me. He always believed in me and helped me with every art project or vision....He never doubted that I could do anything....I miss him so much and with everything in me I try to stay in this moment like he would and feel the safety of his gentle strength....
***Thank You for letting me share this....and thank you for being here with me as I grieve and try to figure out what my life will be without him.
Blessed Be
KAT
Kathryn White
