I really don't know where to start with this. I knew I was bi-sexual since I was seven years old. I remember telling my dad, and crying, because I felt attracted to Mr. Brady on "The Brady Bunch". He told me that men get those reactions, but to ignore them. That's exactly what I did. I ignored those feelings for 15 years. I pushed them way down, and hated myself in the process. I prayed every night and asked God to take away all of these feelings. All of these things that I couldn't control. I absolutely hated myself. I continued to ask, "Why am I this way? Why can't I make any of this go away?".
Last semester, I hit the worst few months of my life. My self-hate had hit an all time high, and I was negative in every situation I put myself in. My physical health was deteriorating, and I was losing friends left and right. My mom and brother told me at Christmas, "Wow, Frank. You have so much hate in your heart." I thought that hate was for all the people who had wronged me in life, but it turns out...I hated myself. I hated the fact that I wasn't happy and was closed off to who I really was.
In January, I met a man who made me feel comfortable with myself. He gave me the confidence to realize I could love myself because I was perfect the way God made me. He made me see that I didn't need to change, and I could live fully if I just stopped hiding who I was.
So...I came out. To a few friends, which blossomed into me telling all of my friends. I wanted to shout it from the rooftop because I finally loved myself. It felt like I was free, and I could do whatever I wanted now, without all of the negativity weighing me down. I don't think I'd ever been that happy. The only thing I had to do was tell my parents, which I knew would have to be years from now. They saw things differently than I did, and I knew I needed to find time to explain everything.
I didn't get that time. My parents found out by putting together some small details I hadn't done a good job of hiding. To say they were unhappy would be an understatement. I waited to talk to them for a week, in hopes that I could find the right words to explain exactly what was going on.
The conversation I ended up having with my father did not go how I thought it would. He believes that because I have made this decision, there must be "consequences". He is asking for everything I have borrowed from them, back. He wants me to pay off my car, get my own phone line, he wants to be taken off as a cosigner on my apartment lease, and to pay him back the roughly $7000 I borrowed from them. I have had all intentions to pay these things to my parents, because I love them, but I just needed time. I have been struggling with work and being a full-time student, and am already working two jobs. I barely make enough to make rent, and the bills that come with it. My father has given me till graduation to come up with all of this money, which is only two weeks away.
I will be the first person to graduate from a university, from my family. I've always strived to make my parents proud, and I now realize that a lot of my decisons in life have been to make them happy.
I love my parents with all of my heart. I, in no way, am bashing them or spreading hate towards them. They are confused and need time to see that I am still the Frank I've always been. But, I'm making a decison for myself this time. I'm deciding that I'm not going to hide who I am, anymore. I'm deciding that I'm gonna love myself and the person I've always been. My parents will come around, one day, but I'm not gonna wait till then.
I'm asking for help in this situation, as humbly as I can, to pay back the money that I owe my parents. I don't want to have finances be something that keeps me from living as myself. I don't want to hate myself again. It was a very dark time, and I dont want to go back to it. I greatly appreciate any efforts you may have. I promise to continue spreading love as far as I can, because no one should feel that they are a mistake, in any way.