My very own mountain bike

Hello, my name is Sean, aka Hanshan. I am trying to raise funds for a good quality mountain bike. For most of my life I have lived with chronic pain and the addiction and suffering that accompanies that. For the past 3 years I have been working towards the possibility of a life free of the pain, trauma and suffering, towards a life of healing and wholeness.

For years, I used alcohol to cover up my pain and trauma, Avery IPA being my choice of bandaid. A little over 3 years ago, I decided to stop drinking cold turkey. All of my neuroses from years of avoiding my pain and suffering came full force to the front. I was angry a lot and had some very distorted views of myself and reality. As a part of my journey to reacquaint with myself, I started exercising (mainly running, hiking, pull ups and push ups). But my pain both physical and psychological were too overwhelming and I kept periodically injuring myself. I was having trouble understanding why I couldn't do what I wanted to do without being in constant pain.

After about a year of this, I realized that I had to stop smoking cigarettes to make any true progress. So, I looked up at the full moon with a cigarette in my hand held high above my head and I said "with you as my witness, this cigarette is going to be my last one". Now things started to get interesting. Just around this time I started to go through all sorts of cleansing reactions, sweating a lot, trouble sleeping, digestive problems among others. And the pain got so bad at first, I thought to myself "what have you gotten yourself into? you can't do this, you are not strong enough". But through all the healing arts I have studied in the past, I held out hope that this would not last forever.

I began studying qigong more intensively (after many years of only practicing sporadically, if at all) in a teacher training program that I began 24 years earlier. Combining qigong with somatic experiencing techniques I was able to feel my way through my pain in order to release it. This trauma informed qigong is helping me become a more whole human being. This process continues to deepen on a daily basis.

Earlier this year after what I thought was enough of the pain being gone to try exercising again, I began to interact with the Phoenix organization. Through the Phoenix I met Soha and Sentwali, and their organization Freedom 2 Fly, whose connections with various businesses in the community helped me borrow bikes to ride most weekends throughout most of the summer. They showed me the fundamentals of the sport and compassionately encouraged me to keep with it and push myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. I immediately fell in love with the sheer joy of being out in the mountains on a modern mountain bike. Learning with others who are just starting out, and those who have been riding for a long time has been immensely rewarding. Struggling up the mountain and the amazing feeling of the descent shared in community, what more do we need?

As my strength increased, I realized that the benefits of mountain biking began to trickle out into the rest of my life. For every time I found the courage to overcome my fears and navigate a technical section on my bike a comparable fear was overcome in my interpersonal relationships. Not only that it is helping me to reenter the world after living in isolation for a very long time. The mountain and the bike are teaching me to be a better person.

Through the generosity of many people I have been able to advance my skills in mountain biking in a very short time (since the spring of this year). But since I don't yet own a bike, I am unable to get out there as much as I would like to.

At the moment, I work full time at Community Table Kitchen which is a nonprofit devoted to helping those who were previously homeless or recently incarcerated to get back on their feet. This job does not pay a lot, which is why I am reaching out for some help. I greatly appreciate any support you can give me on my path of healing through biking and community.,

Thanks for reading this and Blessed Be!