My Journey to Becoming Myself

My name is Ian. I was born in 1987, and I have known something about myself since I was just 8 years old.

For as long as I can remember, I felt different. I didn't understand why I felt the way I did, and for many years I desperately tried to hide it. I spent years changing the way I dressed, stood, walked and carried myself, trying to make the world believe I was a man.

I didn't realise at the time just how much that was hurting me.

For most of my life, being transgender was a secret that I carried completely on my own. I hated the feelings I had and, for a long time, I hated myself for having them. There were periods where I was angry at the world and couldn't understand why simply being myself felt so impossible.

It wasn't until around 2018/2019 that I finally began accepting that this wasn't something I could simply wish away. This was me.

Even then, I kept it hidden from my family until 2023.

January 2023 was one of the darkest points of my life. I reached a point where I acted on the suicidal thoughts that had followed me for much of my life.

But somehow, I am still here.

Since then, I have spent a huge amount of time working on myself and my mental health. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I have come a very long way. Today, I genuinely want to live. I want a peaceful life, surrounded by people who make me feel safe, accepted and loved.

One of the biggest reasons I am here today is my partner, Claire.

Claire has been incredible. Before we became a couple, I had reached a point where I was planning an ending rather than imagining a future. I no longer have those plans. Instead, I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Claire truly has been the best person I could ever have asked for.

Her family has also welcomed and supported me in ways I never expected. Some people who have barely known me have shown me more acceptance and kindness than people I have known my entire life. That has been incredibly emotional, but it has also shown me how important it is to surround myself with people who allow me to be myself.

Now I want to take the next step.

I was referred to Ireland's National Gender Service (NGS) in 2023. The waiting time is so long that I still face years of waiting before I can access treatment through the public system. I have also discovered that Wales is no longer accepting referrals from Ireland, removing another potential route to care.

Even starting hormone replacement therapy has become a complicated process of referrals, waiting lists, appointments and red tape.

I recently found out that even laser hair removal, something I had hoped would be one of the first practical steps in my transition, may not currently be possible because of the combination of my beard hair colour and skin tone.

It can feel like every time I manage to take one step forward, another barrier appears.

That is why I am asking for help.

I want to raise money to help me access the treatment and care I need while I navigate a system that makes transitioning incredibly difficult. This will help towards things such as private medical appointments, hormone therapy, hair removal and other transition-related costs that I would otherwise struggle to afford.

For me, transitioning isn't simply about clothes or appearance.

When I dress as a woman, I don't feel like I am pretending to be someone else. I feel like I am reconnecting with a part of myself that I have spent decades hiding.

I have spent years training my muscle memory through art — learning movements, techniques and ways of working until they became natural. In the same way, there are things about femininity that feel strangely familiar to me. When I allow myself to dress and present as a woman, there is a feeling of recognition that is incredibly difficult to explain.

It's not about becoming somebody new.

It's about finally allowing myself to become the person I have always been.

I know that everyone has their own struggles and that money is difficult for many people. I don't expect anyone to donate. If you can help, even a small amount would mean more to me than I can put into words.

And if you can't donate, simply sharing my story would mean the world to me.

For the first time in my life, I am not planning an ending.

I am planning a future.

A future with Claire. A future where I can wake up, look in the mirror and finally recognise the person looking back at me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. ❤️

Where the €20,000 will go

I want to be completely transparent about why I'm setting my goal at €20,000. Transitioning involves much more than simply starting HRT, and because accessing care through the public system in Ireland can involve extremely long waiting times, I may need to use private healthcare and travel for treatment.

My estimated costs are:

Top Surgery (Augmentation): €5,000 to €11,000 locally or in Europe/UK

Bottom Surgery (Vaginoplasty): €15,000+ depending on the specific multi-stage procedures.

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) & Labs: €40 to €150 per month.

Total goal: €20,000

These are estimates rather than fixed prices, and the exact costs will depend on what treatment I am able to access and what my doctors recommend.

Any money raised will go towards helping me overcome the financial barriers standing between me and the transition I have waited so many years to begin.

DISCLAIMER

Any money not used after everything will be donated to someone else who is going through the same.

Every donation, no matter how small, brings me one step closer to finally being comfortable in my own skin. ❤️