Hi. I was a housewife for fifteen years. My husband was my first love as a teenager. 25 years later I found him. We married. He was in industrial construction and I was very proud of him. We have been married for 15 years. He had a child and I had two girls. He never thought of my girls as step children and their children were his grandchildren. We had been saving to by a home. In 2019, I was 53. One of the rare times my husband was home. I had a stroke. He picked me up and rushed me 30 miles to hospital. He saved my life. Because of stroke, they found two brain aneurysms,one being 10mm. Doctor said the stroke saved my life. The large aneurysm would of popped in six mths. They coiled both aneurysms and put a mesh tube in a main artery that had no blood flow.In June I had a tumor,cancer pop up on my leg. All taken care of, a week and a half with leg elevated.

My husband was having problems swallowing. He came home for Christmas 2019. Already a full year of my issues. Our doctor sent him for CT scan. He didn't see any black masses. We were happy. Sent him to have endoscope down his throat. Doctor took a lot of biopsies. Talked to us after, we didn't think it was cancer. She did. then on Jan first 2020 they called us. It was esophageal cancer. The beginning of the end. My husband thrived when he worked. That was over. We had savings for house to live on. My oldest daughter,her two children and my other granddaughter all lived with us. He did radiation five days a week for five weeks. Chemo three times a week. We thought maybe 2,4 years. We were wrong. I watched my childhood sweetheart die a little every day until beginning of Dec 2020. It closed his esophagus in the first two mths. Surgery to put feeding tube in upper intestines. A nurse to come by twice a week to make sure I knew how to hook up feed bag,water,flush it out and so on. He had about a mth up time, his esophagus opened up, he ate for about a mth. Had a little more energy. Then he started throwing up blood, almost 48 hrs. Hospital kept him for a week. After that, It was in his bones, spots on his liver. He was now really slowing down. I did anything I could. It was Soo hard, I felt so helpless in helping him. He just kept telling me how glad he was that I was there for him. The idea of not growing old with him. Was unbearable. In Sept 2020 my pulmonary doctor did a CT scan and found a 5 cm mass on my kidney. I didn't care. I just cared about him. He didn't get to go to his son's wedding, he was best man. He was so sad after we watched on FaceTime. That was middle of Nov. Now it was all painful. His bones,his intestines,his liver, he was in pain. By last week of Nov we had hospice at the house everyday. They were a Godsend. His family came to see him. The first cpl days of Dec. Came the morning it was all different. My daughter had to help me with everything, he was so tired and in so much pain. I came in around 6pm. Smiled and said say my name, I never get to hear it. He opened his eyes bright and smiled and said my name. He put his thumb to his chest and pointed his finger at me. I smiled and said I know, you love me, he put his fist in his heart. I said I love you tons! They put him on oxygen that day. He kept gulping air. I thought he lost his bowels, I know it sounds bad. I cut away the sheet holding his legs with other hand. Cut sheet away,put plastic and another soft sheet down. I did this twice. I only had a small night light on. He hadn't had any nutrients for two weeks, I didn't understand how this could be happening. About 11 I told him I'm going to lay down with him. He stayed in our bed,no hospital bed. He had his eyes open for a while, I didn't know why, he was gulping air from the oxygen. I never said it before,but I did this night. I laid my head on his chest, told him what a great husband,dad, grandfather and friend he is. Then I told him, honey take a rest, it's okay. You are tired and I know it hurts. It's okay. Sleep will help you feel better and it's okay. I was three inches from his face. And then the gulp stopped, I looked up at him. Next, a shallow breath, and another. I was scared. And then a shallow in and it stopped. I wanted to scream, Breath! I whispered in it. I kissed him, took the hose out if his nose, turned that machine off. Went around and pushed my ear against him, hoping I was wrong. All of a sudden the man I loved since I was 14, he was gone and I was all alone in the world without him. Thank goodness my grandchildren were asleep. I told my daughter, she came and laid in bed with him crying,telling him what a great dad he is and great grandpa. I called hospice. Thank goodness the kids didn't wake until morning and I hated it because I gave my daughter the awful job of telling them. All three are special needs kids. Her kids did a bit better than our other granddaughter. We raised her a lot, it is still hard for her. Found out when I got the death certificate that the cause of death was his lower intestines gave way and he bled out. That's what I was cleaning up so much of. I felt so bad for him. Then there was Christmas, then our anniversary is in Dec and new years. I have had a hard time with it all. You don't know how to be a widow. I couldn't get past it. His coworkers all called, told me stories,sent me pictures. I had my kidney taken out in March. I hated him not being there. I had one granddaughter in therapy once a week, she needed it for other reasons too. He made me promise I would make sure she was okay. I didn't expect it but her mother came and got her in June. She is now back living with me. My oldest daughter and her kids went to live with ex-husband in Indiana. I couldn't keep paying the bills to take care of everyone in house. My daughter took care of groceries. I couldn't find a place to live, it's a seller's market. My family wanted me to move back south. My husband wanted to retire here in Tennessee and it is home for me too. By October everyone was gone. I could grieve and scream and not worry about anyone here. I paid for six mths on my lease. Started to figure out how to go back to work after 15 years. I had worked for big box warehouse for 14 years. Then my daughter needed my granddaughter to come back to live with me right after Thanksgiving. That made things different. My husband has a jeep, I have a solstice. I don't want to get rid of jeep, having granddaughter here. But I have jeep payments and car ins. The clutch on my car went out, it is parked in garage, I can't get it fixed yet. I haven't been able to get snap. My granddaughter is on my ins. That comes out of my husband's pension which means I get 200+ a mth after ins is taken out. I'm trying to get us both in Tenn care. So I can get money back on pension. I'm not getting any help for granddaughters doctor copays or prescriptions. I got a job at temp agency. My third day I had to call out for two days, all schools were closed because of weather. I lost the job. My granddaughter has behavioral issues. I went for a job interview and really want it. It's being a care giver for seniors. My granddaughter got in trouble at school. She threatened another student. Until the psychiatrist says she is okay to go to school she could be out for over a mth . I can't send her back to my daughter. I promised my husband and she doesn't want to lose me. I raised two girls in south Florida. We were poor,but it was okay, we made it. Sometimes my mom might help. I have never had government assistance. I'm trying now, but it's not as easy as it seems .Im not sure how I'm going to pay the electric bill,the water, car ins. I'm going to see if finance company with car will put a payment at end of loan. My credit is so bad I can't refinance it in my name. I'm not sure how I'll be able to move my stuff and Tennessee is home to me. I have family down south,but I also have my granddaughter with me. My doctor caring for brain aneurysms is here. This is the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do it how to do it. I have never been so scared except when my husband was in so much pain. I would be soo grateful for anything anyone can give to help me get through the next two mths, I have to be out by end of Feb and I'm not sure where I'm going or how I'm going to. I think bring a care giver to seniors would be great and I can be trained to be a CNA. I need to get my granddaughter back in school. Her appt isn't until the 19th of this mth. I don't have money for a sitter, I can't find one. I have very little for food or gas. Any little bit would help. I would be so grateful. I'm ashamed of the situation I have gotten myself into. My grief has been hard. I eat but I have lost a lot of weight, my doc thinks it is grief. I'm 5'1 and weigh 96lbs. I can't lose much more. I am hoping there is someone out there that can help, even just a little would be, I would be so grateful. I miss him Soo much and I am, scared. I have cataracts and am suppose to have surgery very soon. My granddaughter has tremors in her legs. Her pediatrician is trying to find a neurologist that may be able to help her. I promise I will pay it forward. I will acknowledge any person who is okay with me doing so or I won't say a word but let you know how grateful I am. I would be glad to keep you posted on how things are going. If I get to be a senior care giver, a CNA. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I don't have money to finish the next two weeks. I need a place to live, I don't want to send my granddaughter away. I never thought I would be here. My husband worked hard. He took care of my Mom if she needed it. He told the kids they always had a home .I would be so grateful for any little that you might be able to give. I just wish he was here. He was a Great man, a Great Husband, a great Father, a Great Son, a Great Grandfather, a Great Friend, Loved his co-workers and his job. He was my best friend.

For anyone who can help, even a little, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!