I always knew the call would come someday, that said my father’s dead. But, I never thought I’d be tasked with deciding how and when his life ends, and what happens after… I’m leaving for California tomorrow, to let my dad off the hook. As I type this message machines are supporting his organs, and I get the sense that he’s madder than a pissed on chicken.

This financial burden was unforeseen, and I never once considered that I’d ever be in charge of arranging the end of my fathers life. If you’re able to give toward costs, anything is accepted with so much appreciation. I understand that many will not be able to, and that is ok. I thank you for the love and support. I am grateful for the help regardless of its form.

Venmo:@Rhiannon-Mills-1

https://gofund.me/6bdc364c

As some of you may know, my father and I have had a tumultuously troubled relationship. He has dealt with numerous addictions, demons, and the like. He has not been kind to me, but I’ve been told he pushes away the ones he loved the most. I have always dreamed of having a solid relationship with my dad, but I could never figure out what it should feel or look like. (Everything in the movies is way too fucking cheesy)

Now, as I’m faced with this decision, when and how he will die, I reflect back on my 32 years of dysfunction with him.

My dad, like so many of us, didn’t have his needs met when he was growing up. He was dealt a shit hand and carried that burden with him his entire life. He feared rejection so fiercely that he often brought it upon himself, always his own worst enemy. A scared child, in need of acceptance and compassion, instead receiving only shame and criticism.

A quote sticks with me tonight, as I prepare to fly to California.

“While I thought I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”

-Leonardo DaVinci

The idea of death terrifies me. I avoid thinking about it if I can. This quote puts my dads life into a new perspective for me, focus I didn’t have before. Despite our unpleasant history, I want to be there for my dad when he dies. I plan to hold his hand and tell him that I never stopped caring. We both deserve that closure.

Thank you ❤️