I was SEXUAL ABUSED AND VIOLATED by two Roman Catholic religious order priests, that psychological traumatized me for life, I was in a major car accident accident in December of of 2019, and another in 2011, both times I was hit by young drivers speeding or on their IPhones. In January of 2021, I experienced two ischemic
strokes that effected the vision center of my brain. I have lived a life of self blame and enough shame to have made me spend most of my life in seclusion hiding in shame and a lack of self worth, recovered from addictions, while continually blaming myself for allowing my self to be sexually abused by two religious priests , as they inflicted life long lasting damage to my my mind, heart, soul and body. They used their priesthood as weapons and as tools to garner my trust then betrayed the most sacred parts of my being.
I have spent a lifetime hating myself for JUST BEING BORN, especially after each sexual abuse was discovered. My Catholic Church instead of embracing me and reaching out to me, only scorned me, as I was treated as an enemy for just reporting the crimes committed against me by their priests, as the Bishop of my Diocese , as well as superiors of two religious orders known as provincials did the same. Also well known and high ranking members of the Archdiocese of NY injured me, when I reported a cover up as a major pedaphile Rev. Edward Pipala was harbored from the Goshen NYS police, at Trinity Retreat House where the Archdiocese sent me to speak with Rev. Benedict J Groeschel. I was told two years ago by Rev. Richard Welch, JDL, ED., that Cardinal Timothy Dolan was going to be the judge in an official canonical inquiry at the Archdiocesan Tribunal. After Rev. Welch told me he had to recuse himself as he questioned my character after speaking with Rev Gene Fulton whom I had reported to the Archdiocese for colluding with Rev. Groeschel and the Archdiocese of NY, to hide an active medically castrated monster in the disguise of what society use to believe was holiness, the priesthood. But as usual, many of the US Bishops dropped the ball, again and were only exposed from the Mcarrick scandal and PA Report. Most have continually chosen mammon, prestige, office, legacy, the abusing priest, their reputation and Diocese. Failing to do what is right and good by loving us as Clergy Sexual Abuse Victims, but instead sent their guard dogs after us, the wealthy attorneys from wealthy law firms on us, such is their love for Christ hidden in the poorest of the poor so weak, instead of storing up treasure in Heaven and recognizing that it was Christ in the guise of the shamed victim whom they turned him away over and over again.
Your kindness by donating a few dollars to my fundraiser can allow me to live out the remaining years of my life with some sense of security, as well as knowing that there are GOOD PEOPLE out there who care about wounded people like myself. Who desired to work and live a full life, but because of severe mental and emotional illness, along with the deep seated wounds that sexual assault leaves on your mind and emotions, as the fear of possible betrayal is always present in you, even as I worked part time jobs which I could never sustain for long periods of time. My longest employment to date was with the state of New York, but as is my m/o, I end up experiencing nervous breakdowns as the core of my being was never healed enough to maintain a sense of self, and who I was as a person.
I know that I am called as a follower of Jesus Christ from my Baptism, to know, love, worship and serve Him in this life and the next. DESPITE MY CLERGY SEXUAL ABUSE TRAUMAS, I BELIEVE I AM CALLED BY GOD, TO HELP HIM CLEANSE HIS CHURCH, FROM THE DISEASE RIDDEN PUSS OF ADAM, KNOWN AS ACTIVE PREDATORY HOMOSEXUAL EPHEBOPHILIA. I believe the priesthood to be one the greatest gifts given to all mankind behind the Holy Trinity. I am part of a Royal priesthood, a Holy Nation, and a people set apart by God. This is my Church as much as it is any Cardinal, Bishop or Provincials. I will continue to act as my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and cleanse the temple from those who would defile it. “Jesus was so filled with anger at the desecration of the holy place that he took some cords and wove them into a small whip. He ran about, knocking over the tables of the money changers, spilling coins on the ground. He drove the exchangers out of the area, along with the men selling pigeons and cattle. He also prevented people from using the court as a shortcut. As he cleansed the Temple of greed and profit, Jesus quoted from Isaiah 56:7: "MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER, BUT YOU MAKE IT A DEN OF THIEVES " (Matthew 21:13, ESV)
I BELIEVE JESUS MAY HAVE EVEN GRABBED THE MEN BY THE FRONT OF THEIR GARMENTS AND SHOOK THEM. HE IS LORD AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST TO SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO THEM. HE WAS’NT A NAMBY PAMBY INDECISIVE EFFEMINATE MAN. HE WAS TRUE GOD AND PERFECT MAN, WITH ALL OF THE QUALITIES THAT HEALTHY MANHOOD DISPLAYS WITH ALL OF THE GOOD ATTRIBUTES OF MANLINESS. NOT MACHO, WHICH IS A DISTORTION OF MASCULINITY. BUT ONE WHO WAS STRONG AND SENSITIVES ENOUGH TO WEEP OVER JERUSALEM, AND PICK UP A HUNDRED POUND CROSS AFTER BEING TORCHERE’D,
I-was diagnosed by a clinical psychologist as suffering the following effects, some from the molestations for over thirty five years, and
others accidental or hereditary in nature. Major Depression called Bipolar ll with Suicidal thoughts, a personality disorder, loss of any and all ability to maintain friendships, deep despair, several attempts at suicide, severe Self Blame for allowing myself to be so vulnerable to allow myself to be raped which was too much for me and I imagine anyone to accept. I lived with constant anxiety and fear of people and the outdoors, and of any and all authority figures. The depths of loneliness and pain that comes with watching my childhood friends grow up and get married, have children and be able to enter into careers and live out their lives with some sense of the ordinary brings with it it’s own lament and sorrow. I was left stuck emotionally from early childhood feeling as if my feet we’re in A block of cement and I was unable to move. I still experience panic and anger attacks today. Many attempts at trying to date, befriend, or just feel as if I belonged some where, anywhere, until this past year we’re never successful. In the end I lived with a hatred for just being Born, that has plagued me most of my life and is finally starting to change, after meeting a long lost love, after losing track of one another for over past thirty years. We plan on marrying sometime in the not to distant future.
The last ten years have been of my life have been filled with several set backs on top of the already present trauma from the Clergy
Sexual abuses, which caused a nervous breakdown in November of 2018 after the revelations of the discussed Mr. McCarrick Case. Injuries from a major car accident in December of 2019, left me with Post Concussive Syndrome, and a brain injury that has caused me to no longer remember certain portions of my life and constant short term memory loss. This all turned upside down this past January, as I experienced two ischemic strokes in the Vision center of my brain. Causing damage to my peripheral vision, slurred speech, memory impairment, balance issues and damage to my brain. Just being me now took on new meaning, as I no longer new who I was, and experienced much confusion as parts of your mind try to repair itself.
All of this on top of the early childhood trauma suffered as a toddler, then the rape and molestation by the two active predatory
homosexual ephebophiles, who took advantage of my vulnerable mental state, and robbed me of my innocence scarring me for my life.
This is my first attempt at raising funds for myself, which I was helped with my Prof. Janet Smith. If I could work I would gladly do so. But the betrayal of trust was so great, along with my disability, doing so remains impossible, as bipolar ll leaves you fragmented, unstable, and often fluctuating between the highs and lows of an emotional roller coaster.
IF you had a choice between losing a limb or being psychologically traumatized your whole life, which would you choose?” By “psychologically traumatized,” I mean suffering debilitating lifetime depression and anxiety, having difficulty holding onto a job, not being able to enter into satisfying personal and intimate relationships, unshakeable (and unwarranted) self-blame and even being rejected by family who don’t understand consequent behavior. ITS NOT A HARD CHOICE, IS IT? A PROSTHESIS CAN GO A LONG WAY TO REPLACING A LIMB, BUT WHAT CAN MAKE UP
FOR LOSSES ACCOMPANYING PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA?
Statement of Support for Stephen Hayner
I encourage those of you who have the resources to donate to Steve Hayner’s GoFundMe account. I wrote a
column a few months ago based upon his trials, a column that bemoaned how little support the Church gives to
victims (Catholic Church Sex Abuse: What Is Suitable Compensation for a Life of Trauma?). He has a very deep,
generous soul, and a beautiful spirit and is much in need of help to live as normal a life as possible. He has never been able to have normal life -- a steady job, a wife, a family because of the trauma he experienced as a result of priestly sexual abuse. Recently he was in a terrible car accident wherein he suffered some brain damage and has had a stroke, but he soldiers on.
I hope other victims will also open GoFundMe pages. I would like to see members of parishes in which abuse has happened to raise funds for their members who have been abused.
Since the institutional Church refuses even to listen to Steve’s pleas for help, I believe it is incumbent upon the faithful to take this work of mercy on ourselves. What we might have given to the Diocesan fund raising appeal or to Peter’s Pence or to the many appeals from the USCCB, we should give to victims, IMHO. Why support paying high priced lawyers who work against victims? Support victims instead!
Please help Stephen achieve his dream of attending to his physical and psychological health and to pursuing the possibility of marriage. And please share his request.
I hope this will be one of many GoFundMe pages for victims of sexual abuse.
Janet E. Smith, retired moral theologian, former F. Michael J. McGivney Chair of Life Ethics at Sacred Major Seminary, Detroit MI.
I have tried to work and attend college but the severe depression has caused an inability to hold onto a job for very long. I have been
receiving Social Security Disability since 1990, as well have receiving SSI in the late 1980’s. I
have spent the bulk of my life taking care of and helping my parents Howard and Elaine the best I could. My dad died in 2012 from
complications from Parkinson’s disease and dementia. I still care for my mom who now 92. I BELIEVE THAT CARING FOR MY PARENTS
HAS BEEN MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT IN LIFE, AND THE THING THAT HAS BROUGHT ME THE MOST SATISFACTION
IN MY LIFE DESPITE MY MANY SET BACKS.
Triggered by McCarrick
In 2018 I experienced a triggering of the Clergy Sexual Abuse Trauma as the McCarrick case surfaced, so did the
TRAUMA from the sexual abuse by the two predatory priests, as well as the religious orders and Catholic
Diocese that were involved. I must sadly admit that the Catholic Church of my youth that I viewed as all good and
holy, especially after returning to it in 1982 after a conversion experience, has deeply let me down as they have treated me as an enemy
and a villain for just reporting the actions of their priests which were crimes as well. I reported my Clergy Sexual Abuse to the bishops Reporting Service “Conversant”, in June of 2020. As there were cover ups by Bishops and Cardinals that I was privy to while working at the retreat house in NY. No one from the service, nor a metropolitan Bishop, has ever responded to me. It is going on close to a year since my
The Bishops say an investigation should be resolved in 90 days. But again I have been ignored, as all of those involved with my abuse in positions of authority have now gone silent for close to two years.
I received small settlements in the past, and charitable responses from the two religious orders, over the last 30 years, which sadly never measured the damage done to me and a life of despair and suffering that I didn’t have to experience. It wasn’t Gods plan that I be destroyed psychologically and emotionally by two Catholic priests who were known to their orders and the Diocese as Active Predatory
Homosexual Ephebophiles without a doubt. The culture existed especially here in my home Diocese, that even allowed the
recruitment of men known to be active homosexuals. But sadly the Church and religious orders always send in the powerful attorney from wealthy law firms who treated me with aggression, harshness, and indifference. Too date I have been offered 6 months of monitored therapy reimbursement by the Bishop, for 35 years of self doubt, self blame, and the self destructive behaviors that one experiences when living a life full of deep sorrow and long lasting unrelenting psychological pain.
Email from My Psychologist to Priests and Bishops
The email below was sent on my behalf by my advocate who is a clinical psychologist.
Dear Priests and Bishops
I am writing to advocate for Stephen Hayner, again.
There is an ongoing impact of silence that continues to be wounding, and continues to erode fragile and already
fractured trust in the church, especially in clergy. The message received is, “I am not important enough for you to
listen to me. My care is not your concern. You are solely focused on protecting your fellow priests and on the
financial viability of your institution. ”Silence in response to letters that continue to express the consequences of clergy
abuse and continue to ask for care, financial support and genuine compassion, only reinforces, “I am no one to
you”. Or, “You view me as an adversary. I am not-worth caring for.”
Do you understand that sexual abuse by a priest, being used by a priest for his sexual pleasure in the context of a
sacramental encounter, confession, Holy Communion, pastoral counseling, has life-long injuring impact. Have you
listened to a victim speak of the impact so that you can feel it, imagine it?
Thirdly I have listened to the rational that says that only monies for therapeutic treatment can be considered, that only psychological treatment has lasting value. I beg to differ. This is a relational injury, not just with the specific
priest that committed the crime, but with the church that sold itself as good and safe and holding the medicines of healing and salvation. Practical financial help for everyday life, as an offering of care and compensation given from a heart that is wounded with remorse because one of the members has been harmed by one given the responsibility to be safe and healing, is healing. The message could be, “We are going to sacrifice financially in order to compensate real grievances, not because we are forced to by the courts but because we are repentant
and stand in for those who have wounded you, and we take responsibility on their behalf.”
Please respond. Correct my views, if and where I am off base. Enlarge my understanding from your side. But please listen. Know the damage that silence does and perpetuates.
Blessings to you,
Douglas Schoeninger, PhD
None of the several Bishops, a Cardinal, whom I contacted, nor the two provincials of the religious orders ever responded to this clinical impression of how the silence hurts victims sometimes more than the actual abuse.
Another Letter from My former clinical psychologist Psychologist
In the 1990s, I treated Stephen Hayner for childhood emotional trauma and the trauma of clergy sexual abuse.
I have kept in touch with him and at times pray with him by phone. Recently as the extent of clergy sexual abuse in the church has come forward and been exposed and victims have gained their voices, Stephen has made me aware that the wounds he suffered have surfaced within him with force and requiring expression and attempts to seek a healing accountability from the orders and dioceses that housed the priests who injured him.
From today’s perspective, and his ongoing suffering, previous responses were hurtful and inadequate. Also at times during his attempts to recover and heal and as he was pursuing accountability, he was put in harms way by those in authority with priests who were or had been accused of sexual abuse From my experience walking through his
attempts to seek redress in the 1990s with him, I concur.
As Stephen is seeking financial consideration for his temporal needs and treatment for the ongoing impact of the sexual abuses he suffered, I have offered to help him update his original therapy plan. My suggestion follows based on the treatment that I anticipated would be needed for him in the 1990s and which makes sense now given the ongoing impact of the abuses he suffered and our contemporary understanding of the long-term impact of clergy sexual abuse.
Douglas W Schoeninger, PhD, Psychologist,
My Faith Remains
Despite all that has happened to me. My faith in a Loving and merciful God has never been stronger. I have been helped in my spiritual life by a wonderful and saintly priest who is now 92 yrs. old. An incredibly intelligent and vigilant warrior for the catholic faith, and a moral theologian, Prof. Janet Smith. A Bishop who fights for God Texas style with a deep and burning love for the most vulnerable in our society, especially the innocent unborn, as he is a champion of all life, Bishop Joseph Strickland of Tyler Texas. A extremely dedicated healer, and my former clinical psychologist without whose help and forbearance I would not be here today, Douglas Schoeninger, PhD. As well as my newest supporter, best friend, prayer warrior and my beautiful girlfriend whom I hope will marry me one day, after we met in expectantly again seven months ago, after dating back in the 1990’s.
I still have moments of deep sorrow as well as a new joy that my God loves me and all people with an everlasting Love. That “to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
A Hope for Marriage
I have also been blessed to meet a woman whom I hope one day will be my wife. We dated thirty years ago and met by chance eight months ago. She has been through my strokes, emotional breakdowns, and now possibly Covid. As well as being triggered in my clergy sexual abuse trauma, while I’ve participated in an interview for CRISIS MAGAZINE. Which should come out today or tomorrow.
My hope is to use the money for medical, dental, therapeutic, and all my daily needs. I also hope is to own my own small home, and be able
to purchase a Service Dog to help me as well. Since I have a special place in my heart for any and all victims of sexual abuse, especially
within the Catholic Church, so if God allows It I would like to start a ministry to help my brothers, sisters and their families who have been
treated so callously by my Church Hierarchy, that makes me ashamed to call myself a Catholic at times. But this is my Church as well, and I won’t let anyone steal it from me no matter who or what level of authority that they posses.
Help from Bishop Strickland
The only Bishop to offer any type of assistance or concern to me has been Bishop Joseph Strickland of Tyler Texas. He is the only one who welcomed me when many others have treated me as garbage, not worth recognizing. He wrote me a very supportive email below.
Yes you have permission to mention me. As far as I’m concerned you and other victims should get Platinum Level Treatment as VIP’s. You have been through a lot and at the very least the Church should be ready to respond and assist you in every way possible. It is sad that one scandal seems to get piled on top of another. The scandal of abuse and then the scandal of neglect by the Church after the abuse and then the scandal of so-called solutions that really don’t offer any help at all. I understand why people become disgusted with the Church and I am impressed and pleased that the scandalous behavior of members of the Church has not caused you to forget whose Church it
I continue to pray for you and all those who have been harmed.
God bless, +Joseph”
Request for Prayers
Please above all, I ask is that you remember me in your prayers, as well as my brother and sister clergy sexual abuse victims. We must use
our prayers for these poor corrupt men in positions of authority who have allowed this
scourge. These bishops and Cardinals are loved and it grieves God that one of them, or any of His children are lost. Jesus is our only answer as forgiveness is the only way forward.
I promise to remember and pray for anyone of you read my story or who support me in any way. I will offer my
prayer for you at the Hour of Mercy when Jesus Christ died on the cross for all of us. His promise to answer our
prayers at that hour is unshakable and His word will not come back void ever.
God bless you!
Sincerely in Christ the GOOD Shepherd