My tabby and white cat Bertie is a medical miracle. He has diprosopus, a vanishingly rare condition where DNA replicates itself, leading to double features. It's only been documented a handful of times in cats, and most of those sadly didn't make it.

Bert, meanwhile, turns 4 next month. He was found wandering alone by a canal as a tiny kitten, which is terrifying to think about because alongside his two mini-noses and front-facing whiskers, he has no eyes.

One of his eyelids has always been sealed (there's nothing underneath, we scanned it) and the other one hangs open with an empty socket behind. The socket is a constant infection risk because it's wide open and anything could get in there, from grass seeds to bacteria. But it also causes him social problems, because he looks like he's staring at other cats, which in cat language is very threatening.

Other cats pick on Bertie because they think he's being aggressive when he walks straight towards them, unblinking. They don't realise he can't see, and also can't look away to show he's not a threat. He only wants to be friends.

A year to live – three years ago

We run a rescue for disabled and difficult cat cases, and a few extra-special ones that need ongoing care move in with us permanently at Moggy Manor. Bert is one of these – but he's stayed a lot longer than we dared to hope.

When we brought him home in November 2022, we were told he would be lucky to live even a year – one of the many complications of his condition is that he has a large, inoperable hole in his heart (called a ventricular septal defect). This will eventually kill him, but somehow, 3.5 years on from being found squeaking for help on the canal bank, he's still going strong.

He's also a bit of a genius – no one ever believes he's blind when they meet him. If you open a cupboard, he's straight in it. Build furniture, he's climbing on it to "help." This cat – who again, HAS NO EYES – gets the zoomies around our catproofed back garden, never crashes into anything, and frequently catches flies out of mid-air. The only thing he can't do is play with a laser pointer, because it doesn't make noise or disturb the air, so he doesn't realise it's there.

Our miracle boy has now lived long enough to get some pretty advanced tooth decay, which is amazing but also concerning! It's very dangerous to put him under anaesthetic because of his heart: his neutering had to be done by special cardiologist vets at Dick White Referrals in Cambridge (we live 100 miles away) and cost £1500 (usual cost is around £110).

Bert's mouth is a bit of a mess in general thanks to some extra teeth (you guessed it, diprosopus!), but he's got some bigger ones towards the back that are now rotten and painful and need to come out. Since we're going to have to risk putting him under for this anyway, we'd like to finally close up his eye socket and put an end to the infection and social problems it causes him at the same time.

When is an eye not an eye?

However, to do this, the vets need to surgically remove all the structures in the eye socket, otherwise it will quickly fill up with discharge (eye goo) and burst the stitches.

Technically, this means he needs enucleation (eye removal) surgery, even though he doesn't actually have any eyes!

As you can imagine, having dental and optical surgery supervised by cardiologists at a specialist vet hospital is EXPENSIVE. Our estimate from Dick White is £2500 for the eye removal, and between £1500 and £3000 for the dental, depending on what he needs when they get in there (they haven't been able to examine him as it's such a long way, so we've only been able to send photos).

This means we're looking at a bill of up to £5,500 to relieve Bertie's pain and stop other cats attacking him.

And just to make it extra stressful, the only slot the hospital has with the ophthalmologist, dentist and cardiologist vets all together anytime soon is… this friday.

We love Bertles to bits and would do literally anything to make him happier, so we will be taking him no matter what we have to do to pay for it. But I'm really hoping some kind humans out there might be touched by his story, or have seen him being a genius on our social pages for the last 3 years – this blind cat catches flies in mid air! – and chip in for the future no one thought he'd get.

You can't spell incentive without eyes

I know this is a massive ask, so to sweeten the deal for you, in addition to adorable Bertles updates I will be singing one of the stupid songs I wrote / plagiarised for my cats for every £500 we raise. Titles include:

If you would like to pay to make me stop singing, that is also an option.

Thank you for taking the time to read about Bertles – he is the most perfect little man and I hope he lives forever.