Money needed to bribe US motorsport officials

Last year a small group of idiots flew from the UK to the US to complete in the 24 hours of Lemons endurance race event at New Hampshire motor speedway in a slightly buggered MX-5. You can read about it on the MotorPunk website, in Alternative Cars magazine and in Classic Retro Modern magazine and elsewhere, if you like. Anyway, 24 hours of Lemons is an endurance race series, a parody of the fancy French race with a similar name, but with far, far shonkier cars. Long story short - we went last year, won 'Judges choice' and carried home a prized trophy made from spray-painted plywood with googly eyes glued on. And now, in italics because this is important, we need your help!

Lemons is the only race series in the world where the officials can be openly and 'legally' bribed. Fellow competitors might bake them a nice cake, for example, or gift them a silly hat, in the hope of them turning a blind eye to some lairy driving, or a wonky car, or some other motorsport misdemeanour. Lemons penalties are famously arcane - miscreants are pulled from the track, as their competitors rack up valuable laps, and obliged to take a selfie with a dog, or sent on some other worthless errand as punishment, before they're allowed to continue racing. It's very funny. And so keeping the race officials, judges, groupies and Lemons organisers happy is key to winning this stupid race. So we need your money to bribe these evil overlords, please, and give our team the best chance of a win this October when we aim to return and retain our trophy as team sLotus. Our team is headed by a Colin Chapman lookalike (me), backed by a team of Lotus racers of yesteryear.

Most, if not all, money raised will be converted into cold, hard, American cash dollars, delivered in a briefcase by 'Colin Chapman' and dumped on the event organisers desk during scrutineering as an open bribe. There will be pictures of this chicanery just in case it all turns to crap later. What you get in return for your money is highly questionable, but I promise to write your name into any resultant article I can, I'll write your name on the car, heck I'll even send you a video message live from the event if you cough a quid for this utterly ridiculous cause. Bribes may even be tax-deductible in your country, the benefits of participating in this nonsense are endless. Perhaps.

So - give us a quid, we'll use it to bribe judges, I'll say something nice about you somewhere as a thank you, and we get to retain this trophy. Thank you kindly.

Smallprint: Any funds raised over £1 Million will be spent on hallucinogens, Lamborghinis and divorce lawyers. Any funds over £2 million will go to the RSPCA or poorly kittens or something. Thanks. GoFundMe has a minimum donation of $5, sorry to say. If you have old Deutchmark notes, or an ashtray full of obsolete coins from a cheap holiday in Eastern Europe, then drop me a line (richvonduisberg - at - geeeeemail .com) and I'll love to put those in the briefcase of bribes, too.

Smallerprint: You can read our race report from 2022 online here . Pls send us a quid now, ta x