Help mom leave abuser and start over.

(name/identifying information has been changed for safety reasons)

Hi.

I am a mother to a young child and have made the decision to leave my abusive husband. I need your help.

As I sit down to type this, I have just walked away from one of his verbal attacks whereby he was mocking me, calling me names, threatening to kick me out, threatening to call my family and ask where they went wrong and why I turned out the way I did. I kept asking him to stop but as always, he has no respect for my personal boundaries and safety, so I was the one to walk away. Sometimes he follows me and continues. Other times, like tonight, he didn’t. He is erratic and unpredictable and can go from happy and loving to raging and cruel. I never know when he will “go off”.

This type of behavior has been going on for so long, for so many years, I no longer stop to think what I did wrong in his eyes that provokes him to talk to me that way. It doesn’t matter though. Any attempt to have a healthy, rational conversation with him is futile. He dodges questions, interrupts, walks away when I'm still talking. In the end, it will always come back to all the things he does for me and all the ways in which I wrong him.

During our years together, he has spoken to me this way. I’ve been chronically gaslit, threatened financially and sexually, threatened with my housing security, threatened to be kicked out of the car, been called a plethora of names, physically blocked from leaving a room or space, accused of lying, accused of giving too much attention to our child or my work, and even accused of over-reacting to his abuse. He pokes and knows how to push buttons and finds a sense of power and twisted enjoyment out of it.

I already had a mild issue with anxiety when we met. Those issues were only amplified because of his toxic behavior. His opinion is I should just “get over it” and use more mental focus, so it is an issue I rarely talk about. In fact, I rarely talk about myself. It’s easier that way. Narcissists want the attention to be on them. Living this way is like walking around glass. I’m in an ongoing state of fight/flight/freeze. For me, I usually freeze. I endure. He has worn me out long enough. I. AM. DONE.

Only one thing stops me from leaving: money. In fact, I have come to see how many women stay in toxic, abusive relationships due to money. Many are moms, like me, who have been home with their children and as such, are at a disadvantage economically. And for many, me included, after years of abuse, I am unable to be “normal” out in the world. My nervous system is compromised and highly dysregulated. My brain is often scanning the environment when he’s around making sure I haven’t done something wrong or left a mess somewhere – anything he may notice and find fault with and use that as a means to verbally attack me. When he’s out of the house working, it’s peaceful and I can relax. However, once I see him come up the driveway at the end of the day, I tense up, preparing myself for the worst. He has exhausted me for so long with his ongoing demands, his over-the-top expectations, and his rages, which can go on for hours. I see a counselor who has not only validated my experience and my struggle with complex PTSD, but who also agrees that for me to fully heal, I must leave.

All of this said, I am also a very strong, highly intelligent, resilient, sensitive, compassionate, creative woman who can usually think/do my way out of any challenge, including this one. I may have been mistreated for far too long, but my Light is still there. I am focused on my inner resolve and strength to get out of this relationship for good. I want to show my daughter what love is. I want to show her that no woman ever deserves to be treated this way. I want to be the best ME I can be – for her. And for myself. Once I am out and get the healing I need, my goal is to implement a vision I have had for several years now – a Healing Sanctuary for women and children. A place that provides housing and real healing for both the women and children from experts/healers skilled in treating PTSD and victims of domestic abuse – for as long as the woman needs. A place where she is seen and heard and supported in creating the life she wants for herself and her children. The systems in place do not go nearly far enough in giving women what they need. My goal is to educate society as to how chronic, long-term abuse effects the mind and body and to totally reform the way we as a society help women in these situations. Money should never be a barrier to escape abuse. For now, the focus remains on myself and my daughter and getting out.

I have a modest income, but it isn’t enough to support myself and my daughter. My goal is to raise enough money to provide me 1-2 years of rent plus a used car. I need that time to regroup and truly heal and rebuild my life, for myself, for my daughter. Please help me with whatever you can give and make sure to share with your friends and family as well. As I like to say: many people giving even a small amount adds up.

Thank you so very much.

Here is what some of my friends wanted to say:

"(name redacted) is my friend. I have seen firsthand his behavior. I have found him to be impolite, he interrupts conversations loudly and boldly. He has no respect for boundaries, lacks accountability and responsibility for his behavior and plays the victim card." (KR)

"I have known (name redacted) for several years. What I know for sure is that she is courageous in every way: in speaking her truth to withstanding the unthinkable abuse she has been subject to, to being a mama bear when it comes to protecting and supporting her young daughter. She is stronger than she knows, rising again and again, like the phoenix from the fire. In my opinion, she deserves immense support to aid her in leaving an untenable, destructive marriage and in establishing a safe, loving home for herself and for her daughter.” (DG)

In the 7 years I’ve known (name redacted), I have found her to be a caring friend, a loving mother and a tenacious spiritual warrior. I have heard her husband abruptly yelling (through the phone) over what should have been trivial matters. His tone is loud and jarring. (name redacted) has requested prayers and funds for me when I was in need, as I know she has for others. If you can pay it forward, I know it would be a huge blessing for her and her daughter.” (LH)

(Name redacted) has shared with me the treatment from her husband that she has endured for many years, and no one should have had to put up with being treated like that and having to walk on eggshells because of not knowing what will set him off. I have found (name redacted) to be genuine and honest and I'm honored to have her as a friend and to be communicating with her. Please help support (name redacted) and her daughter so they can be able to leave and live a normal life free of stress and ridicule and the abuse.

(PL)