6 years ago I fought what I thought was the biggest battle of my life; having twins. My body has a condition that was rejecting the babies. It was a traumatic pregnancy with 9 hospitals stays and a hospital bed in our living room when I couldn’t walk anymore. Thankfully my boys made it through after 10 days in the NICU. 

I was not ok, mentally or physically. I had postpartum depression for months. My body is still suffering from the drugs given to me during the pregnancy. The massive steroid injections alone have given me arthritis and osteoporosis. I have a herniated disc in my back that can be excruciating most days. The psychical therapy has helped some but mostly I continue to suffer as my weight increases from the medications I am on. 

I have developed hypothyroidism which is wreaking havoc on my body. My hair is falling out in clumps. I have uncontrollable full body tremors. Complete memory loss. Lethargy. And more appointments and medications. 

6 months ago I had a psychotic break. I checked myself into the hospital. A new psychiatrist determined that I had been misdiagnosed and was on the wrong meds. I was put on new meds and released. 3 days later I slit my wrists and spent over 3 weeks in the Psych ward. I do not remember about 80% of it. 

Everything has changed. I continue to see my therapist and psychiatrist. Regularly. I am on 8 different medications. And we are still waiting to see what works and what doesn’t. The side effects are unbearable at times. 

I have suffered mostly in silence for some time now and I am exhausted. How do you explain to the world that you cannot trust your own mind anymore. Even when you have what appears to be a beautiful life.

Surviving this battle has been lifelong. My first attempted suicide was at 13. The next was 21. And finally, 6 months ago. Staying alive has become a job. 

What I have is a disease. An expensive one. The stigma and shame the world puts out is probably the main reason that the suffering are rendered unable to ask for help. So they sink into their disease and debt and never really live a full life. 

I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to live in debt forever, especially as we watch it continually grow with late fees and interest. We need help. I don't want my husband and children suffering because of my sickness. But we are sinking. Our total debt right now, including medical and school, is well over 100,000. You have no idea how hard it is to put that number down. I have been sick for too long.

I am unable to work in my current condition. And my husband works a full time job and has taken on multiple time consuming side jobs just to make ends meet. And he never complains. Even when he is exhausted beyond belief. 

We believe in a God that provides and delivers. We have so thankfully received all the meals and prayers that family and friends have offered. We use the food shelf for groceries when needed. We have lived in financial faithfulness. We live small but give big. But now we find ourselves on the side of need. So please, if you feel so lead, help us heal. Help us get above the waterline so that we can breath. 


Any amount is appreciated. 


I have written part of my story for my blog that you can access here. 

http://sarahkallies.com/the-inkwell/2019/2/2/the-night-i-walked-off-the-planet