I work very hard to practice earnestness and vulnerability, both in my real life and on the socials, but this is definitely the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever publicly written. I have a really hard time asking for help with certain things. Asking to borrow a large vehicle to transport a Christmas tree? No problem. Asking for help with something that reveals that I have emotional needs like a normal human being? Hard nope. A childhood and young adulthood of being neglected, abused, and let down by the people that are supposed to be there for you the most has lead me to be self-sufficient to a fault. I have decided the only way I can ask for help is if I attach this request to my birthday, so I’m gritting my teeth and asking my village for help.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mom. When I was a kid, if a stack of magazines was provided for an art project at school, I’d be digging through it looking for any issues of Today’s Parent so I could read the articles. At the turn of the millennium, I was ten, and Canada Post was issuing a special edition postmark, so I wrote and mailed myself a letter to be opened in ten years as a time capsule. My whole letter was about my dreams to have a family when I grew up. As I got older and it became more and more apparent to me how much the adults in my life had failed me through abuse and neglect, it became more and more important to me to create my own version of the family that I had been denied.

And yet, I’m about to turn 34 on February 13th, and this family I’ve long dreamed of creating has yet to appear. While I have so much respect and admiration for the incredible human beings that embark on solo parenting journeys by using donors, that is definitely not the path for me, and I have yet to find my other half, so I am embarking on freezing my eggs to ensure I still have a chance of raising a family in the future. I had a consult with the fertility clinic at Mount Sinai Hospital in July and was informed that egg freezing is most successful in women under 35, so it is recommended that I complete the procedure this year. I also learned that this procedure is very invasive, emotionally draining, and costs approximately $8000. I hung up the Zoom call with the extremely friendly nurse and sobbed. Not just about the cost - I was semi-prepared for that - but about the overwhelming amount of information, the invasive medical appointments, and the embarking on this journey all by myself. I posted a little bit about this on Facebook back then, and a few very kind souls suggested that when the time comes, I reach out and let my community support me. So here I am.

I’m not struggling to pay my bills, so I’m struggling emotionally with asking for people’s money. But, my 16-year-old car is on its last legs, my dog requires 21 expensive pills a day to function and is likely to be around for many more years, and my lovely house is in the most horrible neighbourhood in Peterborough that regularly takes a toll on my mental health, so I need to move. My near future is filled with ongoing and large expenses. I don’t have any benefits. No one can hold my hand through every step of this overwhelming egg freezing process, but the financial support of my village would be an immeasurable help during the process.

After the initial sob, I reconnected with the fertility clinic at Mount Sinai in Toronto and we decided it would make more sense for me to connect with a clinic closer to Peterborough. I have an appointment with a clinic in Whitby in March and am trying to look forward to this next appointment with renewed hope and courage.

If you’ve read this far - please know that this was absolutely terrifying to write, but I am so grateful you are part of my village ❤️