Marisa's Top Surgery Fund

WHY I'M RAISING MONEY:
I have to get some things off my chest! (Pun intended). As my 30th birthday nears and my surgery date gets closer and closer, I have decided that instead of gifts, I would like to ask folks to contribute to my top surgery fund. 

I'm scheduled to have top surgery on September 21, 2018 in San Francisco.  This procedure requires me to stay close to my surgeon for a full week post-surgery to ensure healthy recovery.  This is where I need your help!  At this point I'm not sure what my insurance will cover, and on top of any medical expenses the biggest need I have is covering food, lodging, and travel for the week that I'll be staying in San Francisco.    Any amount will help tremendously, and I will keep this fundraiser open until a week before my surgery.  Big thank you in advance to anyone who can contribute!   

HERE'S MY STORY:
For the last 15 years, I’ve done everything I can to try and hide my body. Oversized clothing. Hoodies and jackets (in the Summer). Because having hips and breast don’t exactly make me feel attractive, sexy or confident. Matter of fact, it’s the complete opposite. I am completely debilitated by it. I opt not to go places because I don’t want to be seen. And if I have to, I try to cover up as much as possible.

I’ve always struggled with body image issues. For a number of reasons. From the age of 5, I knew I didn’t fit. I was convinced I was a boy. But that isn’t possible, how could it be? When my body reads “FEMALE”. But that didn’t fit either. I struggled with this in between. I still do.

At one point in my life, I wore four bras. YES, FOUR (4). To try to flatten out my chest. Apparently, there’s a term for that. It’s called binding. Which I didn’t discover until two years ago. I have been binding for almost fifteen years. And unsuccessfully at that. It is uncomfortable. At times painful. Frustrating. Especially when binders don’t seem to do the trick for your DDDs.

Shopping is a NIGHTMARE. When I look in the mirror I see everything wrong with my body. As much as I love men’s fashion, it NEVER looks the way I want it to or the way I envision it. I find myself constantly comparing myself to those lucky enough to be blessed with no hips and small/almost non-existent breast. AND to men, which is simply an IMPOSSIBLE comparison because I’ll never be that.

Learning to accept my body and embrace my curves and love my body has proven to be so much deeper than “body image” issues. What I suffer from is full blown gender dysphoria. Meaning my body doesn’t match my gender. Self-love is IMPOSSIBLE, when what you see doesn’t align with what you feel internally.

Until recently, I didn’t have the language. I just knew it didn’t feel right. It didn’t look right.

I have NEVER identified with my breasts. They are simply there, in my way. Something that by default is a part of me, but I have ZERO connection to, causing me feelings of sadness, anxiety and depression. 

The only time I can remember truly feeling free was when (I was about 4 or 5) my dad let me go swimming in a pair of red shorts without a shirt (because I “didn’t have anything” and he told me it would be fine).

I’m tired of hiding. It’s exhausting having to pretend that I’m okay with this body simply because I was born into it. I’m still learning and trying to wrap my mind around gender being fluid. I still find myself trying to put a label on it. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I identify with both genders and none of them at the same time. And that’s okay. I’m just ready to accept myself for who I truly am.

So here’s to embracing the non binary. The gender nonconforming. My gender fluidity. My gender queerness. My gender fuckery!

I am counting down the days until I can experience freedom. I will be sharing my journey. As I’m ready to be happy, free and SHIRTLESS!

#HELLO30s #BYEBYEBOOBIES #surgerydateset #thisisthefarewelltour#butchpecsinthemaking #freethenipple #cannotwait #DrSatterwhite#booblesslesbian #sheherpronouns #MOC #QPOC

NOTE: I also want to give a shout out to my friends and allies for being so open and willing to share with me. Thank you for taking time to educate me and offer up support. Because of you I was able to find the best resources. So thank you! And another special shout out to my wife, for always being so supportive on every journey I sign up for. Thank you Candy. You truly are the best.