Making Peace With My Body

On September 11, 2023, I posted a “life update” on FaceBook because stomach and back discomfort prompted my doctor to order an ultra sound of my abdomen, which showed a mass in my pancreas, which led to an MRI, then an oncology referral, a biopsy, and a final diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer, with a life expectancy of 4-6 months. It can be treated (but not cured) with chemo to potentially add some months (4-6) to my life. After consulting with friends and family, I have chosen the other option, which is to enter Hospice, a choice to forego chemo for palliative support and other services for comfort and ease. Since the initial pain that brought me to the doctor around Labor Day has increased, I’ve had to steadily increase the potency of pain meds. At this point, I can still function somewhat independently, but soon I will need more help.

I am choosing to enjoy however many months I have left in the belief that palliative care, pain meds, various types of alternative care, creativity, and enjoying my friends, may also extend my life just as many months as chemo (without the debilitating side effects). On September 26th, a few weeks into this journey, as I was processing these shocks by reading and writing poetry, I wrote this poem:

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BOTH WAYS

home is wherever the grief washes off your hands with the most ease

~Hanif Abdurraqib, Vintage Sadness

Pain is the decider / when I am defenseless against it. / Boring a hole into my body & out again without permission / because rogue cells host a rave / in clueless organs just doing their jobs, assuming no malice of intent / letting the party go on & on / dawn bringing a new twisted day, unexpected.

Can hope be the decider / changing the metaphor from war to peace? / She fought the disease / put up a good fight / lost the battle / or / making peace with her body / grief washed away easily / breathing deeply / in surrender / open arms allowing love to flow / both ways.

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There have been many experiences so far on this journey that balance out the pain and sadness but now it is time to get to the point of this request:

My monthly living expenses are modest and most have been covered by Social Security and a few odd jobs. Since this new journey started, there have been many additional expenses: medical co-pays, a will drawn and health care directive, cremation expenses, much of which I have put on a credit card. I anticipate many other needs will arise as I become less able to care for myself. I have a wonderful tribe of friends here in Spokane helping me plan and organize this new phase of my life. Because I don’t know how quickly things will change or what financial needs will arise, I am currently trying to raise $25,000, with the hope that your generosity will smooth out the speed bumps on this journey. Any donation you can make will help me concentrate on life as I face this, rather than the stress of expenses, and will help me make medical and care choices based on what I want rather than whether I can pay for them.

Asking for help has never been easy, especially financial help, but this experience has revealed to me that I have been fortunate in my life to encounter so many kind, loving and authentic people, who each offer different kinds of support. I’m more grateful than ever for thses relationships.