Deep breath... I don't ask for help often, it's a huge challenge for me. Because I am the helper. I help everyone I can, I have given to everyone in my presence my whole life. I have made space, made waves and created communities where safety, security, mental health and belonging were at the forefront of my intentions. Now I need someone to do that for me. I need financial support while I take a dual therapist and doctor-recommended leave of absence from work. I need to take FMLA.

On 3/14/2023 I had an anxiety-induced panic attack that was so violent I believed that I was having a heart attack. I finally broke, and my body would no longer allow me to abuse myself. They said my heart rate was over 130 beats per minute. My body told me what my mind has been saying for months. I am not well. I have depleted myself in a way that is forcing me to finally listen to my doctor, my therapist and my body, I have to rest.

The last 5 months of my life have been extremely damaging to both my physical and mental health. The amount of anxiety and stress that I have secretly endured has finally manifested in a way that I wasn't able to ignore. Transparently, I have known I wasn't well for some time but I have tried to focus on the good that has been happening in my life and believe me there have been GREAT moments. My dreams have been coming true but those moments aren't strong enough to combat my real-life anxiety, bipolar disorder and depression /those are a constant. I tried to pray, smile, be grateful, laugh, rationalize the irrational and tell myself this too shall pass. But last night as I shook violently with purple lips as I lay rendered speechless, I truly thought I was the "it" that was about to pass.

I thought I was going to die. I've never felt my heart beat all over my chest before, it felt like it was going to split in two and I said to God, please don't do this, I have dreams. I have dreams. I just need rest. I finally have to listen, as I type this my left side is still numb, my back tense with knots, and my heart still feels overworked. I can't believe I am even typing this because I thought I was strong enough to endure anything, alone. I thought because I still smile and enjoy concerts and show up for others, it couldn't be that bad, I was functioning. Now I know, I am not immune to a breakdown and FMLA is a resource for a reason but it comes at a cost.

For those unfamiliar, to take FMLA, you forgo your salary for the time that you are utilizing FMLA. I am eligible for up to 12 weeks, which would result in a loss of $24,000. My financial stability has been a major factor in my not asking to take this time off. I let my salary become more important than me and my health. I've done this my whole career because scarcity made me forget myself, to be able to "provide for myself", foolish and I can't live like that anymore. I need to take my FMLA. I need this time off, I have this exact number available in my savings because I prepared for this, assuming I'd make it to another number to take this time and not feel the strain of it. I didn't make it. So if you can't donate, I will be covered, but I can't lie, the stress of not having anything after this time away will not make me feel financially secure or safe while trying to work on my mental health.

Very long way to say, please help.