Its really horrible to be writing this. What do you do when you suddenly loose a loved one? When he takes his own life and there is no will or life insurance? When you are struggling to make ends meet in the first place and then this happens.

You ask for help. That is, if you are me, Becky, John Zank’s Sister.

As soon as we found out about John on Monday, Oct 24th, we packed our bags and left at midnight to drive the 1000miles from Texas to Wisconsin. We maxed out our only credit card on the way up. It took us 3 days to get there in my tiny cramped car. 

As soon as we got to his town in Wisconsin, we went directly to the police station to pick up his keys and cell phone. 

I didn’t believe it was him. It must be some mistake. Someone must have stolen his wallet. 

But when I talked to the detective, they said that the police had already IDd him by his drivers license. That you could clearly see his face. 

I couldn’t breathe. But I pushed on because there were things only I could do. Now was not the time to fall apart. 

I talked to the Medical Examiner and found out that I couldn’t see him now. I need to have him embalmed and cleaned up before we could view his body. And that wouldn’t happen until we found a funeral home. It wasn’t like tv where u could go in and identify him right away. 

I wouldn’t believe that it was him until I saw him. 

I had just talked with him. We were planning a trip to California in December. We were going to all be together for the first time in forever. I don’t understand. 

We got a funeral parlor set up. And they went and got him from the ME. They got him all cleaned up so we could see him on Thursday morning. 

My sister and dad arrived the same day we did. Wednesday. It was now the 3rd day. We waited until the 4th day to go into his apartment with my sister and dad. 

We had to find his social security card ASAP that morning. It was the only thing I didn’t know in the questions that the funeral guy wanted. 

The apartment complex is really nice. Expensive. John’s 1 bedroom apartment was really nice and quite organized. Everything had a place. There was a few dishes in the sink and the bathroom had hair around the sink from when he had last shaved. 

Some parts of the apartment looked like a tornado had gone through it though. There were magic cards scattered across the floor at the entrance. Drawers pulled out and broken. Stuff scattered like someone had been looking for something in a hurry. 

But his closet was immaculate and very organized. And many things labeled and put up in their place. It was really confusing. 

I thought that maybe the police had been looking for stuff and made a mess. But we found out later that the police hadn’t touched anything when they went in. They we’re just looking for his dog, which wasn’t in the apartment and is still missing at this point. 

He had a 4 month old German short haired pointer puppy. He must have given it away to someone is all I can think. He wasn’t cruel. 

In fact the police said that he took a backpack with him to hold the gun in so he could walk through his apartment complex without scaring anyone. He didn’t do it at home where no one would have found him for weeks and his dog might have starved. He had planned everything to be easier on us, I think. 

He was found in a wooded area less than 1/2 a mile from his apartment. Across a cornfield with no corn stalks on it. 

It was remote and hidden. Only by the grace of God was he found within hours of his death by someone who was walking his dog in that same area. The dog found him. Without that he might have been missing for who knows how long. 

After the looking through the apartment we finally made it to the viewing. I went first…  It was John…   He looked like he was just asleep. Like he could wake up at any minute. But his body was cold and empty. 

As my dad said “my son isn’t there anymore, he’s gone to heaven”

The rest of the time in Wisconsin was a blur of activity. Getting the apartment separated out. Packed up. Deciding what to keep and what to donate. We couldn’t take any of the furniture back to Texas. There wasn’t room in the truck. 

We got some of his friends to help us. We gave them stuff we didn’t have room for. 

Miraculously the cremation was done just in time for my sister Liz to take him on the plane to California. They were only there for 2 full days. 

Finally, everything was finished and packed on Saturday. It seems crazy to me that a life can be dismantled and packed away so quickly. Liz said that she wished that we could come back in a few weeks to go through everything. But we’re both from out of state and if we didn’t do it like that it wouldn’t have gotten done. 

In the end we realized that we wouldn’t have enough money to get home. We had to borrow money from friends and family. 

I even asked for money from friends I would never ask and family I barely talk to to make it back to Texas. 

John had asked me to be the executor of his estate a while back, so it’s up to me to ensure that everything is taken care of. He had some money, but I’m not sure it’ll be enough once everything is said and done. 

The only reason I’m setting this up is multiple people have asked about this, to help us during this loss. We will use these funds to pay for the multiple expenses from a trip like this. The costs from the embalming and cremation that my sister paid for and all the other expenses that have popped up. It’s insane the costs involved. 

My advice, create a Will and get life insurance ASAP. Don’t leave your family twisting in the wind after you pass away. It’s twice as devastating to worry about money. 

If you feel like donating, we would greatly appreciate it. $5 is $5 more than we have. My family has been poor for a long time. These expenses would set us back years without the generosity of others. Thank you so much for your kindness, generosity and for loving my brother. 

Another option, if you feel like it: Please think about donating to NAMI. The National Alliance on Mental Illness is a national nonprofit that works to help people with mental illness, their friends, families and communities. Please go to NAMI.org to find specific resources in your area. 

We have been volunteering with them for years now. And even though John lost his battle with depression, maybe knowing that there is help out there will encourage someone else to reach out for help.  

John knew about dialing 988, the new Nation wide mental health crisis line. It is like 911 for mental health. It is run by trained crisis counselors who connect you to help and resources that you need in your community. 

You can also txt NAMI and to 741741 to talk to someone via txt. 

Or dial 1800-950-NAMI(6264) to get information from the NAMI Help line 

You can also txt “helpline” to 62640.

I don’t know why he didn’t reach out to any of these resources, the VA or the people who love him. 

Sometimes when you are in such a dark place, it’s impossible to think rationally and see a way out. 

We all loved John. He was a generous, funny guy who tried to make difficult times lighter with laughter. There were times in our childhood when the 3 of us “the 3 amigos” clung to each other and only survived through the laughter that John would bring. 

He never opened up to us until recently. He kept things close to the vest, and never asked for help when he needed it. He didn’t want to be a burden. And no amount of reassurance from us helped him think otherwise. 

If you are hurting, please, reach out. Your life is precious and important. Even though you may not feel it. 

Please pray for all of his family and friends during this difficult time. We’re in desperate need of community. 

Keep in touch. Do Not Isolate. Isolation leads to this kind of tragedy. Remember you are #notalone

Gratefully yours, 

Becky Hightower 

Wichita Falls Texas