Love you, nova.

My valiant, perfect, innocent novaleigh passed away on April 29th after a brave battle with necrotizing pancreatitis.

I am in a state of shock writing this to you all. I am shaking uncontrollably. Joseph and I have had our world flipped upside down in an instant.

We really thought she was going to make it. We always thought she was going to make it, and she always did throughout the health challenges she faced in her life. But this one was too strong, and our baby is gone. She left this world with each of us speaking into one of her ears, and each of us holding one of her hands, and my heart is absolutely broken.

I have always questioned whether or not I would have it in me to continue being on earth if my nova left me. She was my purpose, caring for her was the only place I ever felt like I belonged. Now that we are living this nightmare, I know that I have to at least try. I think I have to try to keep going.

The last 12.5 years of my life since my nova was born, I have worked 20 hours a day to keep her happy and healthy- at a minimum. Because of novaleighs needs, I often stay awake for three, four, six days and nights at a time running myself into the ground and gladly putting my health to the side to give her what she deserved. It was my absolute honor and the reason I was born.

I watched her daddy carry her every step of the way through life, her precious little feet never walking a single step because she couldn’t. All we ever wanted was to have our little slice of life, together, the three of us. It has been the most beautiful experience I could have ever asked for. Now, our entire world has been ripped out from under us.

We only moved to Colorado for nova- leaving everything we ever knew behind to get her here. Now, we find ourselves in this state with zero purpose or reason. This is not our home without nova. This was all for her.

I need help.

After doing this for nearly thirteen years and putting all of our eggs in one basket for our baby (exactly what she deserved) we are being forced to start over without her here, and it’s a horrible dynamic when you add in that we only live here in Colorado for her, being her caregiver was my job, and I never imagined I’d be planning with a funeral home for her final arrangements so suddenly.

We have to start over completely from the ground up if we want to keep going. It’s going to be a lot. We can’t do this by ourselves.

I don’t know anything right now other than I need to pick out an urn for my baby, I want to have some of her ashes made into a couple of those glass heart keepsakes for her father and I, we are going to need to break our lease and get out of here, and I have no idea where we will land or where we are planning on going or what we are planning on doing, I don’t know anything about how life will look moving forward other than taking it one second at a time.

One of the last things I promised nova was that me and daddy would take good care of each other. I intend on trying to be strong and fulfilling that promise to her because that is what she would want, even though my only wish tonight is that if I manage to fall asleep I will just go be with her and never wake up. I need to try with everything I have left in me to keep going.

All funds donated will be used for my baby’s final arrangements, any fees associated with breaking our lease so that we can leave the state, and the time we are going to need to spend off for the next few months until We get a job while we grieve our baby. I’ve been at it for such a long time, we are going to take a pause to properly grieve and find the strength to continue moving forward. Everything We have ever known since I had nova at a young age, has just been taken from from us. I have been doing this since I was a child and I’m scared, I’m shock, and I don’t know what to do.

You all have helped so tremendously over the years and I am so thankful for you. I don’t get the chance to thank many of you personally or respond to every single message and comment, and I won’t pretend I will be any better at it now considering the circumstances. But whether or not you make a contribution or just took the time to read these words I want you to know that the support love and generosity you have shown the three of us over the years has shocked me in the best possible way. Thank you all for everything you have done from the bottom of my heart.

For most of you reading this, it will be the last time you hear from me. I don’t intend on posting more on novaleighs page after this, and I want to leave it as is, a time capsule from when she was a small baby to an eternal 12 year old.

I love you all so much, and please wish us luck as we are going to desperately need it. The light in our world flickered out slowly and then all at once, at 3:55 am in a cold hospital room and we will never be the same. She fought to her last faint heartbeat. I don’t know what life will look like from here on, but I’m going to try and see.

I love you all fiercely, and thank you from the depths of my soul for all of it.

Sincerely,

Novaleighs mommy and daddy, forever