I want to live.

I do not just want to beat cancer.

I want to live!

I want to grow old with Amy and be the cute elderly couple that walks together and rocks together and holds hands and laughs and looks forward to our kids and grandkids filling the house at Christmas. I want to see the young oak and poplar and elm trees on our land become magnificent. I want to move into the phase of life when my children become my friends. I want to be the grandfather who takes three generations of family on cool vacations because why wait until you die to give it away? I want to have the time to continue recovering my emotional self and becoming more fully the human I am created to be. I want to grow in my capacity to love and to delight.

I want to live.

This clarity, along with deep gratitude for simple and great blessings, is a gift in the midst of cancer. And it has become clear to me and Amy that to live, I cannot keep doing things the way I have been. I do not believe cancer is just an unlucky roll of life’s dice. I am convinced that diet, stress, and trauma are primary contributors to disease in our bodies, so I cannot eat the ways I have always eaten. I cannot burn the candle at both ends the way I have been formed to and celebrated for. I cannot any longer avoid doing the hard work of healing from past trauma. I must change, and I can change, because I want to live.

With this driving desire, Amy and I are researching like crazy, and have decided to make several significant changes, as well as several critical investments toward what we believe is my/our best possibility of getting to live. I have quit drinking alcohol (which, I am not going to lie, makes me sad); I am shifting toward a whole food, plant-based diet (the data on the positive and global health impacts of which are so compelling!). I’ve begun a relationship with a therapist, with whom I will invest several hours a month in a sustained effort toward healing some of the deeper wounds of my soul. Along with the medical oncology team that will administer my chemo (which I dread, but then… who likes knowingly putting poison in their body?), we are working with a team of naturopathic oncologists who will guide us in alternative, natural, health -promoting therapies such as vitamin infusions, heat and cold therapies, detoxification regimens, mindfulness and breathing techniques, the healing use of essential oils, the cultivation of a healthy gut microbiome, and the strategic employment of vitamin and herbal supplements. While the diet and alcohol changes are long-term life shifts, the investments in medical and naturopathic oncology, as well as psycho- emotional therapy are likely to be a 1-2 year push.

These changes and investments are rooted in the hopeful belief that we are all, as one of ancient Israel’s great song/prayer writers declared, “fearfully and wonderfully made.” We are part of a magnificent creation, and our bodies have phenomenal capacity to heal themselves. We have agency, we have power, we have a sacred calling, all of us, to join our creator in tending, stewarding, cultivating, and delighting in this creation, which, of course, includes our bodies. So, yet another gift in the midst of cancer, is this opportunity to further discover and take more seriously the beauty of creation, and in deeper ways to participate with God in its flourishing.

So, this is our path. This is our journey towards healing, towards living. And we need help. The medical bills, the alternative therapies, the therapist, and the whole foods… all amount to thousands of dollars a month more than our family income can sustain. It is uncomfortable to ask for help, but we need help. So, if contributing financially towards our goals is something you are able to do and would feel good about doing, please do so.

I hope it goes without saying, but it is so important to me and Amy that all of you know we do not have any expectations of contributions. That is why we are putting the funding goal at the lowest amount allowed by GoFundMe. We feel incredibly loved and supported in so many ways, so if this is not your way, please don’t think twice about it.

In terms of specific expenses, we are looking at:

$6000 in out of pocket medical expenses (thank goodness for decent insurance!)

$500-$1000 / week in naturopathic treatment (out of pocket)

$175 per session with my therapist (out of pocket)

Substantially increased grocery budget (amount to be discovered)

The greatest gift in the midst of cancer is that Amy and I feel so loved, so seen, so held by our community of family, friends, and neighbors. Thank you for all of the ways each of you have already contributed toward that good, good gift.