"I'm not okay. 3 words they never prepare you for. I can't do this. 4 words that are the most difficult to muster up. I'm done. 2 words that I frequently feel but fear feeling the most. Okay. 1 word I want to be, sometimes am, and want more of."
-Excerpt from my Notes, March 13th at 3:23 am.

I am a survivor. I am living, breathing, moving through trauma at any time of the day. I am coping with the skills that I know work most effectively for me, but often it feels like I'm drowning. Physically, I could tread water for hours if put to the test. The feeling in my chest parallels the moment when your body can no longer tread. Survival mode is exhausting and I can feel my self slipping beneath the wave, taken under, surrendering but not knowing when the next gasp for air might be. I am tired of gasping. I want to float. I want to feel the sand beneath my toes. And knowing I'm on the ground, not in water, makes it less peaceful to experience what I experience daily.

This is why I'm seeking long-term treatment for my mental health, as well as physical. Following 2 hospitalizations, over 10 in my lifetime, I'm putting in the work to remain sober, treat my multiple disorders, PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder proving to be the most difficult. I never thought I would say that, considering my first diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1 must sound worst to most. I am a fighter. But, I am ready to ask for help in continuing care to insure that I don't live a life of being in and out of the hospital.

My hospital bills from this year amount to $5,000. Therapy once a week and monthly psychiatry appointments are costly, as well. I also want to receive acupuncture and Reiki, along with physical therapy. This includes Asian Bodywork Therapy methods such as cupping, Gua Sha and Tuina.

I am also in massive amounts of physical pain from a traumatizing and life-threatening car wreck I was in last year. When my car was wrecked, I summoned the funds to pay for a new car with my Financial Aid, but the car has been in the shop for extremely expensive repairs. It costs $1,500 to get my car out of the shop. It has been sitting there for a month and a half, and might be impounded soon if I do not retrieve it. In order to get the care I need, as well as work extra on the side as a delivery driver, I need a working vehicle. This is why I have included that cost as part of my $10,000 goal.

Any and all support is welcomed. Whether it be boosting and sharing, or giving even just $5, a little goes a long way. I am a giver in heart and I trust that this will be received with compassion and empathy. I have always been fearful of asking for help, but I know it's time.

Additionally, participating in mutual aid has been one of the most empowering and authentic forms of being an ally for me, so I will include some GoFundMe Fundraisers that I would donate to if I could (and will when I can). I recognize that the time will come where I am liberated from the frequent pain I live in and will find stability in everyday work, but to find peace, I must pause.

Thank you for your kindness and generosity.

Very best,
Louisa