Loretta's Cancer Retirement

I have recently been diagnosed with an extremely aggressive stage four cancer of unknown origin that's metastasized into my bones, bone marrow, lymph nodes, breasts and liver. The amazing oncologists I've been working with the past month are flabbergasted and baffled - they say I've had two years of cancer growth in thirty days. You know me, I gotta go big or not do it at all!

It was very sudden - 40 days ago I was happily at work, talking to friends, making plans with my wonderful 34 year old boyfriend to spend the weekend gambling and doing karaoke in Blackhawk with a drink in my hand.  Today I'm in a hospital, with multiple tubes stuck in me delivering chemotherapy, medication, and pain relief, having just recovered from an emergency surgery due to unexpectedly breaking my hip, which was exacerbated by the cancer increasing the brittleness of my bones. My prognosis is dire. It's terminal. 

I started working at Grandpa's Burger Haven at 11 years old. I've been a paralegal for 36 years - 24 of them with the wonderful, amazing, Hinds family, to whom I could not be more grateful.

I am an extremely proud woman. I've strived to never ask for help, to pay back all debts, to make it on my own, despite any obstacle. I've made this self-sufficiency an important part of my identity. Being in this situation is, in all honesty, devastating.

I thought I would have more time.

While I have some benefits, there are still a great many medical costs mounting out of pocket. I am unable to work for the first time in my life, leaving basic necessities - like housing - in jeopardy.  My son, Tim, will be taking time away from work to care for me, and I very much wish to spend as much free time as possible with him, for as long as I have left. I want us to eat and live and laugh and smile for as long as we can. I want him to have a little time when I'm gone to grieve and process before he has to jump back into his grind. 

There is a buddhist saying - Death comes swiftly and without warning. Appreciate all you have, be mindful, hold your loved ones close. Life is a chaotic, complex ride and everything and everyone in any situation will inevitably know joy again. 

Find joy. Eat heartily. Be a loyal friend. Live life. Take stock. Be kind. 

Above all else, be kind.

I truly appreciate any and all help you can possibly provide. Please feel free to comment any memories you have of me, of us, of our time together, especially if you feel I've touched your life in any way.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my broken heart.