Help me recover from liver failure

Dear friends,

This feels incredibly vulnerable to be sharing. Thank you so much for reading. Your inclination to help is beautiful and precious, no matter who it’s for.

In September 2023, I suffered acute liver failure. I was hospitalized for six days with some of the highest liver enzyme counts the doctors had ever seen. For the first three days, we were unsure if I was going to live, die, or be applying for a long-shot organ transplant. Luckily, things turned around. But the recovery has been intense.

It's been six months of debilitating fatigue, mouth ulcers, burning joint pain, cognitive decline, migraines, brain zaps, visual and aural hallucinations, diverticulitis, and UTIs. It all comes and goes at random. Sometimes the symptoms last as little as a week before tapering off, but my last bout lasted a full month. There are days when I can’t get out of bed because it’s like I have full body arthritis and every bone burns.

It turns out that the word “liver” is literal. Your liver makes all your live-ing possible. “Liver injury” means pretty much everything about you is injured. The reality is, my condition does put me at risk for a whole host of cancers, further organ failures, and other life-threatening situations as well.

There have also been the effects of the traumatic hospital experience, mostly in the form of panic attacks and depression. Exacerbating this is losing the ability to exercise and take medications and supplements which were key to my mental health.

Despite all of this, I have maintained my commitment to my work. I generally serve 100-200 trauma survivors per week though sessions and classes. I honestly don’t know if I’d still be sane if not for my work. Holding space for others to heal helps me so, so much.

Yet, I cannot show up to hold space for trauma work when the symptoms intensify. I presently have students, clients, and doctors all telling me I should be pulling back even more than I have. But I can no longer afford to pull back at all.

I’ve lost eight full weeks of work with no pay and am staring down $35k in medical bills. With my savings now completely depleted, I was forced to put part of my rent on a credit card this month.

I’m reaching out to you now because of the ongoing medical bills—but also because I'm still quite sick and further time off of work will be an absolute necessity at some point soon. I'm just not going to make it without help. Further time off will jeopardize my ability to keep the basics of my life going, what to speak of keeping up with bills.

Something else that has gotten me through this time has been community, which has frankly been magical at times. One example: when I was hospitalized my meditation teacher trainees organized a circle to meditate for me every day. The day I found out this was happening was the same day my symptoms started to turn around in the hospital. Correlation or coincidence? I do not know! I do know that every single note of support, letter, and gift that has come my way throughout this time have kept me going in ways I can’t describe. Thank you for this.

All of it contributes to my sense of invisible support surrounding me, which is a huge contribution to my recovery and by extension a contribution to the lives of the trauma survivors I hold space for. All is truly connected.

Thus, I thank you again for reading and for even considering offering anything here. Do whatever feels good and right to your own heart. And please know that it is not just a contribution to me fiscally surviving this, but to physically and psychologically surviving this—which then also helps the people I hold space for week after week. Hopefully it helps you, too! Generosity has a funny way of inducing happiness and satisfaction.

May all beings happy, healthy, safe, and free.

Big love,

Ralph