Help me live in safety, independently and keep surviving

Hi, my name is Peta, I’m a 43 year old female and I am desperately seeking help to avoid homelessness or sleeping in my car. Your kindness could change everything for me right now. I’m reaching out to share my journey and the struggle I face daily. I’ve battled through the pain of a traumatic past, leading to severe mental health challenges that have impacted my ability to live safely and independently.

(Trigger warning - SA)

I am a sexual abuse survivor of childhood and adult trauma. I have complex PTSD with dissociation, treatment resistant Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and ADHD. I did not ask for this life, it was forced upon me by predators. I have suffered severe SA by many people, my father, friends and a group of strangers, from before 5 years old to 18, that I remember. Then, when I first developed symptoms of cPTSD I saw my first psychiatrist at 16. She was 36. I trusted her. She groomed me and abused me when my brain was still developing and I was suffering serious mental health issues. I was brainwashed. She was a narcissist and was told not to use the title Dr or practice psychiatry (quietly to save the reputation of other psychiatrists who were complicit) and when I attempted to take my life 8 years later due to the suffering she caused, I did not have the capacity to try to get compensation, as she threatened to release my clinical notes (detailing my childhood SA) to the media if we “went after her”, so ended up with nothing. I was barely alive.

But I rebuilt my life, because I’m smart, passionate and didn’t want to give up - I completed 2 university degrees, and worked over 10 years in the corporate sector with my mental health under control through hard work and determination (and dissociative amnesia).

However, a few years ago, something triggered my cPTSD. I tried to kill myself again to escape the memories. I took 2 years off work to recover but unfortunately I was never well enough to return to work, and am now on the disability pension, which does not cover my medical expenses let alone rent. I had to move home with my mum and sister, but this environment is not psychologically safe for me. I spend my life in a state of hypervigilance, fight and flight and fear, always at risk of self harm or suicide. My body holds the score. My beautiful, sassy niece keeps me pushing. 2 weeks ago, I tried to unalive myself, because the pain became unbearable, my living situation was toxic, triggering and psychologically unsafe, and I felt the world was better without me in it. I have been an inpatient ever since and working hard to develop coping skills and have a safe place to recover.

But I want to live, so very much. I don’t want to let them win. I want to see my niece change the world. I want to cuddle my puppy. And I want to live a meaningful values-led life of kindness and compassion. I’ve enrolled in a psychology degree to help others like me, but I need a stable living situation to recover first.

Currently, I'm at a point where without support, I risk homelessness, which would be devastating given my history as an SA survivor and loving Aunty. I’m seeking funds to cover rent for a small unit where I can find peace and safety. Your contribution, no matter how small, could provide the support I desperately need to reclaim my life.

I know there are so many people who need help at the moment, I’m just one of many, but it would mean so much, and perhaps keep me living long enough to get on my feet, live my dream of helping those suffering, and keep me safe. I’m hoping to raise enough to cover about 6-9 months or so of rent and bond, as well as help to pay my psychologist fees of $259/week. Thank you for considering this. Your compassion means more than you can imagine.