Help Annabel get the life-saving support she needs
Donation protected
I have just been through a 5 month trauma anniversary of intense symptoms. I was unable to make clear headed, rational decisions. I was re-living a past trauma. I have recently been diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia (sharp, shooting nerve pain in my head), as a result of excess fight or flight energy. I now have to try to heal myself from this, as well as stabilise my nervous system by the end of the year in order to avoid another breakdown. And that is going to be EXTREMELY CHALLENGING without the specialised support Khiron Clinics offers.
As some of you know, I battled addiction in my 20s. It got worse and worse and had many disastrous consequences. Thankfully, after multiple rehab stints, I found a power greater than myself and I have not picked up a drink since 3.08.21. Post rehab, I was recommened to move to Bristol and went to live in a sober living house with other people in recovery. Unfortunately, these experiences did not enhance my wellbeing. They actually fuelled my declining mental state. Most people I know, in recovery, would say that getting sober saved their life. And getting sober did save my life, undoubtedly.
However, like many of us, I had other demons... demons that I didn’t conciously know about or understand at the time, but which eventually manifested into a severe nervous breakdown in January 2023. In fact, over the course of the last 9 years I’ve experienced multiple breakdowns.
Desperate with seemingly nowhere to turn to, I rang my previous rehab and they recommended Khiron Clinics to me; a specialist trauma treatment centre that skilfully helps people recover from breakdowns, trauma & burnout. Founded by psychotherapist and author Benjamin Fry in 2012, Khiron Clinics was created to offer other people the groundbreaking trauma therapies that once saved his life. Since then, Khiron Clinics has become globally recognised as a leading centre in the treatment of trauma. Their clinicians are informed, trained and supervised by some of the world's top trauma experts including Dr Bessel van der Kolk, Dr Janina Fisher, Dr Stephen Porges, Dr Dick Schwartz, Deb Dana, Licia Sky and Linda Thai.
I had my first assessment with them in October 2023, and for the first time, I felt validated, understood and heard in my struggle. Their clinical lead recommended that I come to “Khiron Clinic, which is a 24-7 residential unit on their site for those residents who suffer from more severe trauma-related symptoms for 4-6 months in the first instance, with the prospect of extending my stay."
The clinical lead goes on to say her "initial impression is that Annabel suffers distress in her current daily life to the point of near constant overwhelm. It is becoming progressively harder for her to manage her dysregulation, anxiety and depression. It is likely that her brain’s executive functioning and prefrontal cortex have not been consistently functioning, and she will need a lot of resources to help bring these parts of her brain back to normal functioning. It was apparent that from suffering adverse experiences, she has become highly anxious and depressed. These are common ways in which an overwhelmed nervous system attempts to survive."
For the first time, in a VERY long time, I felt a glimmer of hope. But this soon vanished when the NHS refused to fund my treatment.
I then spiralled into another nervous breakdown, that lasted for 6 months, which was a highly traumatic experience for me, and continues to impact my current quality of life, which I would describe as extremely poor. I have been mostly housebound for over 3 and half years, going in and out of breakdowns, which have left me feeling terrified and on edge.
My then therapist said I no longer ‘qualified’ to work with her and told me I should revisit an application to Khiron. I picked up with an old therapist, who could see I needed help and encouraged me to take the very scary step of going into hospital. Despite being suicidal, having continuous daily panic attacks, and experiencing severe nerve pain in my head, I was turned away, saying that ’suicidality is a part of life’ and that admission was only for those who were ‘severely mentally ill’. It took so much courage to go into hospital and ask for help - only to be dismissed and my needs completely invalidated.
Back in September/October 2024, I decided to apply for funding again. I had the support of 2 psychiatrists, my GP, three highly trained trauma therapists - all recommending that Khiron was the best option for me.
A part of me really wanted to raise the money then and to share my story, I wanted to speak out about the unjustice and be a voice for others. But then another voice said ’No-one will believe you’, ’no-one will believe you’re that bad or worthy of this kind of treatment’, which is just SO sad, because I have been so unwell for so long. This time, I don’t care what people think of me, this time, this is about me - it’s about telling the truth of what’s happened to me and getting the right support I have desperately needed for years.
Lindsey Lockett, a renowned traumatologist who supported my second application wrote: “When [Annabel] told me last year that she was applying to Khiron, I was ecstatic. We hoped together that she would be accepted, and we were both devastated when her application for Exceptional Funding was denied. Since the summer of 2023, Annabel has committed to nervous system regulation, mindfulness practice, and nourishing herself with rest and healthy foods … [yet] her self-care combined with the online work we did together was not enough to avoid another mental health crisis. Annabel went to A&E on two separate occasions to admit herself to an in-patient psychiatric hospital. Despite saying that she had been ideating suicide, she was turned away from in-patient care both times. Throughout all of this, I have witnessed Ms. Large bravely fight for her mental health and advocate for herself like a champion. Due to the severity of her nervous system dysregulation, she has been unable to work for 4 years. She has little to no in-person support or community, and she needs the support, expertise, and co-regulation that Khiron is known for. I hope you will reconsider her application and admit her to your program. You will find someone who is determined, committed, and self-aware — someone who truly desires to heal so she can thrive in her life. After knowing and working with Annabel for a year, I can confidently say that your resources and support are exactly what she needs.”
I really needed this application to be successful. But, yet again, my funding was declined. I was beyond devastated... I was absolutely heartbroken.
So, here I am - out of both sheer desperation and a firm belief in the goodness of the people of this world - that maybe, just maybe - with your help, I will be able to raise enough money so that I can receive this life saving treatment. The last five years of my life have been so tremendously challenging and I honestly do not know how I have survived. I would never wish what I have endured on anybody.
There is NO service on the NHS like this. In fact, conventional medicine and psychiatry can often make things worse, because they do not put the nervous system at the centre of the recovery paradigm. Unfortunately, at the moment, Khiron is solely funded by clients. But there are SO many people who would benefit from this treatment and who desperately need it. And I hope when I’m better, I can help raise awareness of how important a place like Khiron is.
The quote “God put that dream in your heart for a reason” rings true for me each and everyday - and I truly believe He is the reason I have kept going.
If I have just one purpose in this life, it’s to heal, not just for myself, but even more importantly, so I can be a guiding light for others. I have been through SO much throughout my journey - and I truly believe that it has put me in a unique position to really make an impact in the future.
Isn’t it ironic, that there are thousands of drug and alcohol services across the UK and America - but only ONE polyvagal certified, trauma informed rehabiliation centre? This needs to change. The whole world would be a better place. Where more people could heal and then go on to help others do the same.
By donating, however small, to my fundraising campaign, you will undoubtedly be helping future generations to come, because I promise you that when I am better, I will be advocating for change; promoting trauma awareness and crisis prevention within the NHS, through social media, speaking at universities, and addiction rehabs across the UK. I want to not only help towards de-stigmatising addiction but help people to understand the true cause of it. Because it is only just coming into the public light and there is so much opportunity for us to collectively, as a nation, give better treatment to vulnerable people, instead of causing more harm and perpetuating the revolving door cycle of addiction & mental health crises.
I know I am not alone in having the shared experience of a lack of support in the sober living communities I have been a part of. They have caused me and many others severe harm. I have witnessed multiple overdoses, two near death experience’s, and sadly, a death of a partner.
Looking back now, I should have been in Khiron when I went into rehab for the final time. I was having horrific panic attacks and was unknowingly in a freeze response. I have been in and out of this chronic freeze state for most of my recovery and probably most of my 20s.
People in the recovery circle told me not to engage in trauma therapy too early - and I just remember being so confused and alone in what I was facing. I know I can’t be the only person who goes to rehab and needs intense trauma rehabilitation. But the word ‘trauma’ was not even mentioned in any drug/alcohol facility I went into - and I went to a few. Looking back now it seems absolutely absurd.
I recall getting into recovery and that I seemed to be struggling more than the people around me. And my thought was always ‘there is something wrong with me’, ‘it’s my fault’ and ‘I’ve got to fix this on my own’ - I felt SO much shame but I didn’t know what to do or what was wrong. People told me to persist with AA, and that my problems were due to the fact I had not completed all the steps. But I knew it lay deeper than the 12 Step Program. I knew there was a much deeper problem I was facing but I had no idea what it was - and I felt extremely alone in that. I really did not know who to turn to.
There is a significant lack of personalised support in these dry houses, no real guidance or direction. No word of trauma or self-regulation. And from what I have observed - it is those who have been through the worst, who end up in these sober living spaces - and desperately need trauma informed care.
I really do believe that this is the missing piece that is preventing people from really getting well, and is sadly causing so many mental health crises and addiction related deaths. It could all be SO different if there was trauma informed care from the beginning. I sure as hell wouldn’t be where I am today if there was - suicidal, overwhelmed and extremely stuck in my own body.
I want to make three things very clear. Firstly, that I have no plan or intent to take my own life - quite the opposite. Secondly, AA did save my life - it got me sober. And for anybody who thinks they have a drink or drug problem, please head to your nearest meeting as soon as you can. You will be welcomed with open arms, a lot of biscuits and a cup of tea! I am also not blaming the sober living environments I was a part of, I just know that they could be immensely improved, which would ultimately save lives.
Nobody has really understood what I have been or am going through (other than Khiron), which has left me feeling extremely isolated and misunderstood. And one cannot heal trauma in isolation. If people cannot understand your experience - how can they truly help?
Andrea, a Khiron Clinic & House Resident said: “It is the first time I have honestly felt truly understood. I have previously spent time in psychiatric hospitals (both NHS and private) which all ultimately caused more harm than good. Unlike previous experiences, the therapists at Khiron honestly saved my life. They were there to hold my hand and help me to help myself. All of the members of the therapeutic team have a genuine understanding of trauma and how to treat it.”
This is where I need YOUR help. I can’t raise this amount of money on my own. Unfortunately, I can't run a marathon or do the Coast2Coast cycle ride, like I have done in the past. I honestly would run an ultramarathon if I could! I am housebound, lonely and extremely scared of never getting better. I know it is a huge amount of money to try to raise. It might look like an impossible feat - but if I can get 15,000 people to donate simply £10 I will reach my target. So please do like and share this post to friends, family, co-workers and anybody you know who may be able to help me. Even if you can only donate £1 - PLEASE DO! You really will be contributing to giving me a shot at life.
A friend, trying to get back into recovery recently told me I inspired him, and reminded me that the ripple effect IS real. Helping someone heal from trauma can have a huge impact that extends well beyond the individual, positively affecting the community, and far beyond if that’s the road they choose to travel. And this is the road I choose to travel, or perhaps, more aptly, this road has chosen me.
I haven’t made this decision lightly; there has been a huge amount of pain, rejection and tears. I cannot stress how many times I have picked myself up. I have honestly tried so hard to heal, but having just turned 30 - and losing all of my 20s to addiction & Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - I have come to see clearly that Khiron Clinics is EXACTLY what I need to help my nervous system slowly come out of survival mode.
I deserve to heal, and I deserve to have a life, as do so many others out there suffering in the same way.
As Peter Levine famously said: “Traumatised people don't need judgement, they need compassion and support …. We must create a culture of trauma-informed care, where healing is prioritized and supported in every aspect of society.”
If you’ve got this far, thank you for hearing me. Please spread the word and share my fundraising campaign.
Below you will find a list of links about Khiron Clinics. In particular, Benjamin Fry’s story from breakdown to recovery, who once had found the right treatment pathway for his breakdown, founded Khiron Clinics to help others with these ground breaking treatments.
I am currently housebound and ’normal' life is impossible - I can’t even remember what a ’normal’ life feels like. I have completely withdrawn from the world and am still suffering with debilitating symptoms - suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, emotional overwhelm, anxiety, fatigue, fibromyalgia, dissociation and much more. Therefore, I would kindly ask if you could refrain from sending me any private messages, but instead post any words of encouragement on my ‘GoFundMe’ page. If I am slow to respond or say thank you, it is because I am resting and trying my best to heal.
From the bottom of my heart, I deeply appreciate every donation and message I receive. Thank you and God bless
The Story of Benjamin Fry - from Breakdown to Recovery - https://youtu.be/CrAEw5st_As?si=TkB4Yi9JKEb7CJuX
How Khiron Clinics is different - https://khironclinics.com/blog/mental-hospitals-how-khiron-clinics-is-different/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=Khiron+House+Mailing+List&utm_campaign=f9897ac70f-General+Newsletter+April_COPY_01&utm_term=0_19b7c1a130-f9897ac70f-387576990
Organizer
Annabel Large
Organizer
England