My husband Jon and I had a whirlwind romance. We met in the summer of 2014 at a group lunch with some church folks. I responded in discussion with "ten points to Gryffindor" and it was love at first phrase!  Jon asked me out and that next week we went on a coffee date that soon continued into a lunch date,  that finished with a slice of pizza for dinner -- with never a lull in conversation. That was the single best date I had every been on and by the end I knew I had found my soulmate. We knew if we would continue, there would be backlash... Jon was twice my age, the church we went to was very critical of us spending alone time together (especially given our desire to be with one another as much as free time would allow), and there was concern I was wasting my time on a dying man.


You see, shortly before meeting, Jon got sick. He retained almost 80 pounds in fluid, and only at the point when it filled his lungs and made him feel like he was drowning when he laid flat did my stubborn man decide to go to the hospital. It was then that doctors discovered he had an enlarged heart and he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and was given four years to live. His condition didn't allow him the extra stress of working and his medications didn't afford him the ability to safely drive, so he had to fill his time with limited activities around the house and be driven to church and any other functions, while trying to entertain his brilliant mind with reading scholarly articles, theological, psychological, political and economic journals and books of all sorts.

This is a man that spent his entire life being independent, serving his country in the 82nd Airborne and 173rd Airborne divisions, playing rugby, working hard everyday since he was a young boy. Understandably, he was going stir crazy and he had some life adjustments to make. And given that he could no longer work, he changed his attitude about money. Jon was seriously one of the most money conscious people I've ever met, and he lived in a way that less was more and to only have things in his life that he found to be functional or beautiful. He was a very complicated man and there's still much I don't know about his past... the Jon I know and love I could talk about forever, but I will spare you from that novel.

I entered the picture shortly after his diagnosis. He was my first true love, and we both knew we wanted to be married about two months into our relationship. About a year after we started dating, we left one church to join another that appealed more to Jon's traditional sentiments and our theological beliefs. There we met wonderful, loving, Christ following people that became our family and loved us as we were. There we met the wonderful man who married us on September 25, 2016.  Jon and I's life together was off to an amazing start!



There were moments of frustration, as there are with every couple, but ours were mostly focused on the battle with his body betraying him on a nearly daily basis. His joints would swell and hurt beyond reason and the pain would seemingly last forever. There were a couple times his knees would hurt so badly he couldn't walk and he wanted to die - from the pain, self disgust, frustration and anger. His shoulder hurt so badly that it was impossible for him to lift his arm for over a month. He went back to the hospital twice during our marriage from fluid retention and chest pain. At one point he had to wear a defibrulator vest every day for nearly 6 months, just in case. Plans cancelled when he had flare ups, he had days of depression and anxiety that - paired with his PTSD - made it a real struggle for him to remember and to feel that he was loved. He hated his body and hated his lack of independence, that it prevented him from doing the things he thought I needed and that he wanted to provide. Even so, he always loved God and trusted Him.

All that being said, he loved me to the moon and back and did everything in his power to make sure that I was happy and that I knew he thought I was the most beautiful person in the world to him... body, mind and soul. Through all of our troubles, our love soared and we enjoyed days working on improving the house when he was able, watching game shows, mystery movies, paranormal shows, and home shows - dreaming about owning our own bookstore, or ceramic studio, or furniture and jewellery business.. designing our small home in paradise, and listening to lots of new and classic music from Jon's punk days in the 80s. And eating.. Jon loved to cook for other people and trying out new recipes! When we did go out, we enjoyed going to estate sales, getting coffee and looking at reading material at bookstores, and eating at our favorite Asian cuisine spots.

In the Christmas season of 2017, we announced that we were pregnant! It was a dream come true for us. Jon had given up on the dream of fatherhood at that point in his life. So it was a frightening, yet indescribably beautiful surprise.  In June of 2018, I was 7 months pregnant and we were looking to adopt a fur baby that our child could grow with and that would keep Jon company while I was working. In keeping with his love for the misunderstood and in his innate "againstness", we adopted a beautiful pitbull we named Astrid. She is the sweetest, most gentle tank we've ever known!


Then, the day came! I was induced on August 22, 2018 and at 3:00a.m. on the 24th we had a perfect, healthy and beautiful baby boy! We named him Tennyson after the author of Jon's favorite poem "Charge of the Light Brigade." I went back to work after a maternity leave that was all too short, and Jon became a stay at home Dad. It was hard on his body and emotions, but he was so happy and loved Tennyson with all of his heart. Jon loved his laugh, his smile, and watching him grow and change everyday! Everytime I came home, there was a new story to tell!

With Tennyson's arrival came new challenges.. many of them financial. We have been so blessed to get help from our church family and my parents, but there's still a ways to go until we reach stability. In spite of it all, we were happy! God always found a way to keep our heads above water, and provide. Unfortunately, things did have a habit of falling through the cracks. We couldn't always afford Jon's medications, which of course he never brought attention too, and we had to sell some things and cash in other things to help cover my unpaid leave. But we were still ok! We had our faith in God, our support system and we had each other. Everything was wonderful!

Friday, March 22, 2019 started as a great day. I went to orientation for my new position as a boutique store manager that morning. When I got home, Jon was dressed and ready to go to run a few errands with me and to visit my old work and show off baby boy. He commented that he was feeling alright, but was tired. We got some groceries and picked up some new clothes and toys for Tenny. Our last stop was at my old work place. While there, Jon sat upstairs with a coffee and shut his eyes as he waited for me to finish chatting. When we got home, we changed and started watching our go-to paranormal show and I was rubbing his shoulders and neck.. he complained they we're painfully tight. After a few minutes, he said he needed a break and sat up on the edge of the bed while I laid back down and watched the TV. Baby boy was blissfully sleeping, Astrid was laying at the edge of the bed.. just another  normal evening.  That was when my world came tumbling down. 

Suddenly Jon fell heavily backwards on top of my lap. He was gasping, face and lips turning purple, eyes bloodshot and buldging.. his body shook and his legs shot out stiff and then he collapsed entirely. His breathing altogether stopped except for the occasional harsh gasp of an inhale and loud almost snore of an exhale. After his initial fall, I held him and told him to stop joking, that it wasn't funny. I commanded him to breathe and stroked his face.. I crawled out and scurried to call 911 in the chaos of our crying son and Astrid running around trying to figure out what was wrong with her Daddy. The rest of the night was a flurry of people.. EMTs, police officers, firefighters.. some were talking to me in the kitchen with baby boy, but everyone else was filtering in and out of the bedroom. I remember calling my parents and my Dad saying "we're on our way" the instant he heard my voice.

They arrived in time to see them bring Jon out of our room and put him in the ambulance. We drove to the hospital and waited. The hospital was a blur. Some doctors were hopeful, others were more reserved in their assessments... The nurses were amazing, talking Jon through everything they did and being so compassionate. It was Tuesday the 26th when we discovered that he definitively was gone. His body was funtioning, but because it took over a half an hour for Jon's heartbeat to somewhat stabilize and start supplying consistent oxygen  again, his brain was turned to mush. So many cells had been destroyed that he had no hope of ever having meaningful life again.

This man that just a few days ago was talking with me about our dreams of living by the beach in Hawaii and about how excited he was to see how close Tennyson was to crawling, and how proud he was of me and how excited he was for my new job. He was gone. My love, my darling, my beautiful husband and father of our son was gone. No longer would I talk to him to and from work, no longer would we talk about our future dreams of where we'd live and how we'd raise our son, and our dreams of taking our son to school and embarrassing him, what kind of man he'd turn out to be. I had to unplug him and let his body go. I know that he truly left to be at peace with God that Friday night.

March 22 changed the course of our lives forever. I'm now a single, widowed mother of a seven month old infant.  I did expect it to happen at some point given Jon's condition, I knew it was going to happen.. but when Tennyson was grown and knew and loved his father, and they had a chance to play catch, to play board games, for Jon to read him his favorite book before bedtime, to talk about girlfriends, to talk about colleges or trade schools.. just.. later. Not now when Tennyson won't remember him except through my memories. But Death had other plans. 



After the dust settled, I've gone through the bills.. hospital bills from Jon and from Tenny's birth, credit card debt, student loans, car payments, everything.. it seems so overwhelming and impossible to cover on my meager retail salary. Bills and expenses now outweigh my income substantially. God had done so much for Jon and I during our short two years of marriage, that I know he'll come through again one way or another. I am trying to do my part and ask for help. May God bless you and keep you. 

Thank you for reading and thank you for anything you can do.