I have worked too hard to keep my flame lit, and then to stoke the flames, to let anyone extinguish it.

Some of you know my story. For brevity's sake, my childhood is one of abuse, fear, and control, and I did something that scared me more than anything to put a stop to it. I turned in my dad, my abuser, to some people who were able to get charges brought against him. The healing from those events has taken a personal investment and commitment. I got sober and embraced recovery 3+ years ago and have embraced a spiritual path as well as continued therapy each week. Along the way, I found someone who appeared to be a partner in this world. He seemed to offer things I longed for, like safety, stability, consistency, and a love I could trust. The past year that we've lived together has been challenging, and I have tried with all my heart to work through the things that have come up, looking deeply at myself and what I could change to be a better partner. What I finally realized a couple of days ago is that it would never be enough, and doing so has allowed him to chip away at my confidence and self-worth until I had internalized the identity of the person he made me out to be. I've made excuses for him and filled in the blanks for him where accountability should exist. A friend witnessed how he has been treating me and brought light to a fear I already had. She said, "Sarah, that's abuse," and recommended a book, "Why Does He Do That?" For any person who is wondering if they are experiencing abuse, this will provide clarity. What started with little things here and there has progressed to a feeling of being on eggshells, of feeling uncertain of my reality... and two nights ago, as I was trying to leave to escape the continued manipulation and verbal attacks, and he told me I could not exit the house in a raised voice... I knew I had to leave... but fear filled me, and I worried he was going to hurt me as I tried to walk out the door. He didn't, but followed me and wouldn't let me step away from him... what keeps women in this is "he didn't hit me," but even what he did was an act of violence, creating intimidation and fear in someone who he is supposed to respect and love. I was being painted as being emotionally unstable... and this all started because he wanted me to come to bed and I asked for 10 more minutes to finish the job application I was working on. And I tried to stand up for myself and was belittled and made to feel crazy, gaslit into questioning my own thoughts about why that was ridiculous. I see it progressing... with my job search, now there is financial control and oversight that has left me feeling hopeless to be able to leave. I have been reaching out to friends and family and making a plan. I need help. I need to get a new phone since it's tied to him, and pay a deposit on a room I found. People ask why women don't leave... it's because they feel trapped, finances often prevent it... and asking for help is shameful because you ask yourself how you could have fallen for this. I understand why I did, and I also understand I can get out.

I kept questioning whether this was abuse. But they say the strongest predictor of violence in a relationship is a felt sense from the woman, an intuition. And I am choosing not to ignore it.