Lost2Many - Now Just Trying To Live

Hi- my name is Linda and I'm sadly doing something I never imagined myself having to do and that is ask for financial help and then too, to do so on a site that has so so many great causes -that it embarrasses me to think I may have some hope to my situation. However- I have no where else to turn & I'm getting buried alive. You see, my husband of 17 years (almost 18) at the time, died unexpectedly on August 30th, 2017... James death not only took my sense of safety but I feel my future real happiness and a home we had dreamed of building and were about to decide that next weekend which property we were going to buy. James death has sent my depression spiraling because he was my rock, the one that helped me get through life and fought life and its struggles for the both of us (since my fight seemed to die with my son)and did so with an upbeat positive attitude. The attitude I seemed to have lost when I lost my son Eric-(I'll explain in a minite)Oh I've learned to put on "my mask" of happiness - when I'm around or talk to people. But it's just a mask that I'm finding harder n harder to put on - especially now that I'm struggling so bad. I'm on social security disability from back issues & one is where my spinal cord is being compressed upon 24/7 & I'm in constant pain and getting worse since I'm trying to do everything I did before but now trying to do everything James did too. It's not working out too well and to be honest - it's kinda out of control and extremely overwhelming...Too I have clinical depression from the loss of my 28 year old son at the time of his death - now 7 years ago in 2012 from a tragic accident.. 2012 is the year my life as I once knew n loved - changed forever and took so much of me with it and Eric's death just shattered me and my heart... So the loss of my husband, then my father in law last September and basically it seems the majority of my husbands family- only not from their death- it's just after losing my father in law -only 2 of the 3 stepsons are all that keep in touch out of the family- no one else. I have one awesome son left and a beautiful 12 year old granddaughter fom my son Eric- and 2 sisters on my side of the family-that all live in different states..I've already lost both my parents - a sister- and sadly I'm going to lose another sister - I don't know when but her doing her bucket list and going to support group meetings because theres nothing left to do- scares me to say the least.. I never imagined as a little girl dreaming of my future -thought that by the time I hit my "golden years" of turning 50 that my life would start on a downward spiral and by age 56 (I'll be 57 in October) that I'd be sooo alone, so scared, so broke, so not understanding it all.. I've struggled, here and there, throughout my entire life - but I always found a way to make it through with a happy, upbeat positive attitude. The fact that for 28+ years I was a flight attendant for a major airline helped-that when financial issues occured - I'd just work my butt off. I had a 401k set up from the beginning- life insurance- health insurance all of it - met my second husband, James, in December of 1999 and married him in February of 2000- and we made it through so many obstacles that life threw our way. I thought my life was blessed. I had my family, minus my mom, dad and sister (that died 2 weeks before I married James on a ski trip, where he proposed saying-"I know we've only known each other a couple months but I know you are the one(he was never married to the 2 mother's of his children) -I'll marry you now, a year from now, 5 years from now, I just want to know you'll be my wife" - Lol we were married 2 days later on a cliff overlooking Lake Tahoe- A very very happy day and ski trip I will always cherish.. Sorry I got off point- which was before - I was able to work and help myself make it through anything life threw my way.. Nor did I have depression from losing so many just in my immediate family, not counting other friends or family members..Now- I'm on disability- I live in a little tiny coastal town I can't afford the rent anymore. I make too much money to get financial aid since they go off your gross income instead of what you actually get to pay bills with- yet I dont make enough to pay my bills. Which is why I have gone through the little bit of insurance money I received when I lost my husband. (We used my 401k money when we moved and my husband wasnt working- because he was 5 years younger then me and said "no worries baby, you know I'm going to work until I'm 80, I will totally take care of us from here on out" ....Yeah that didn't work out so well.... I was and am trying to sell anything and everything I possibly can - however - it's crazy how many vultures dressed in friend clothing there are that can't wait to take advantage of a widow, on fixed income, alone in the state I live, whose so depressed n vulnerable they jumped on the moment to rob me of almost everything worth value. I've now waited way too long to ask for help. I'm behind on everything. My cable, internet and landline home phone has been shut off for weeks now..My cell and only line of communication is next, then because I'm behind on everything I'm sure my electricity will be shut off too.. I'm just spiraling..My wedding ring is in pawn - I just got paid on the 12th and it was gone in the 1st two days..My rent is $500- less then what I make - I have to move and then I should be fine - but how can I? I have no money.. I have a dog and a cat that will and do always eat before I do because - they don't understand why they have no food - they just think I'm holding out on them. I'm losing weight to the point my skinny clothes are becoming too big...I don't get paid for another month and I seriously don't know what to do anymore.. I can't keep asking my son for help- it kills me when I do.. PLEASE- IF YOU CAN HELP ME GET ON MY FEET- I will be able to start trying to live life again - since for whatever reason I'm still here. I just cant do "this" anymore.... Thank you so so much from every bit of my already broken heart