Ken from CHAD: A Fallout 76 Podcast Medical Debt

This is not a video I’d ever thought I’d record, or something I ever thought I'd need to write. It’s embarrassing to even talk about this, much less ask for help, but I’ve exhausted all other options and avenues and I don’t know what else I can do that I’m not doing already…but we’re drowning under medical debt that began with Travis’ medical expenses 7 years ago related to mental health.

7 years ago, in the middle of the night after years of uncharacteristic outbursts, personality changes and behaviors, my husband Travis woke me up screaming, trapped in what started as a nightmare that had turned into what we later learned was a dissociated episode. He was reliving a horrifying experience, one that had been suppressed for a long time. He didn’t know where he was, who I was, and it took me a bit to get him to come back. That night everything changed and a pattern of uncontrollable crying, mood swings, self-harm, and every day having to physically restrain him at the same time in the morning to prevent him from hurting himself became something we just had to do.

For me, it was overwhelming…his regular doctor was useless, prescribed experimental drugs that weren’t even covered by insurance that cost a lot of money and they were pressuring me to have him put somewhere for his safety. I would not, could not, would never, do that to him. When I took a vow 15 years ago when we were married, I meant it. Putting him someplace for inpatient services would’ve broken him, as it would me or anyone. Working from home meant that I could take up the role of caregiver to try and keep him safe and stable. That was the start of a very, very long journey of discovering how broken the healthcare system is in terms of offering meaningful support, especially as it relates to mental health. The last three years alone it has cost us $50,000 out of pocket between prescriptions, programs and therapies that finally have made a major difference in his life and at last a proper diagnosis of C-PTSD with some co-occurring conditions. Similar to PTSD (which stems often from a singular event) C-PTSD is most commonly developed in childhood from deep and sustained trauma. We knew where it comes from, but it's not for me to tell Travis’ story and in the end the why doesn’t matter with the current situation we’re in. But the thing with C-PTSD is that it’s patient…like a mental bomb waiting to go off. For him, it was three decades before it did and now everything has changed. It's a cruel and unfair irony considering what he endured at a young age and yet spent 20 years in healthcare and hospice care trying to help other people that he's been cursed by something he never deserved done to him.

I’ve been working 14-hour days in marketing and social media management for the past several years to try and keep up, the Pandemic taking its toll on our business and income as it did many people. While that’s mostly behind us, it seems every time I try and get us in front of this debt something else happens. Our furnace went in the middle of winter and that was $13,000 in unplanned expenses as well as roof damage with water coming in still in a bedroom we’ve had to empty because we can’t yet afford the cost of the roof repair needed. So, I empty a cement trough when it rains now upstairs. Eventually, I’m going to need to redo the entire ceiling.

We’re stuck in a car we can't trade out of, and I canceled my health insurance 6 years ago to prioritize Travis' needs. We are stuck in this house…and can’t refinance to pay down the medical debt…I’ve tried that already…tried every avenue I could think of. We haven’t taken so much as a vacation in 8 years and exhausted our savings when this began years ago. Maybe it’s personality, upbringing or generational, but all of these struggles behind the scenes have been my private struggle until recently as Travis’ caregiver, but also as being the sole earner as Travis can't work. Additionally he wouldn't qualify for disability because of me. I’ve sold off antiques, books, furniture and collectibles to try and help but it’s just not enough. I haven’t felt comfortable talking about it, even to close friends.

I can’t tell you how much I hate asking for help. This is a kind of "out in the open" vulnerability I'm not used to or comfortable with. The reason I started writing again which led to the CHAD: A Fallout 76 Story Podcast was initially as an outlet during some of our hardest years in Travis’ journey. That led to unexpected avenues as far as helping others that are very important to me and honestly are my motivation to keep going even while struggling with depression and anxiety myself. I also apologize for editing/writing the podcast to take as long as it does (sometimes a month in between episodes), but with 14-hour days that pretty much leaves me weekends. So, everyone’s patience while I’ve been juggling all of this has meant the world to me. This community, my writing, the podcast, and the charity work we all have done together are really important to me and the only life raft I’ve been clinging to through all of this. I say that because I don’t want anyone to ever think I feel entitled or owed in any way, shape or form and am all of a sudden looking for a handout. It is my honor and privilege to volunteer and help raise awareness for the causes we believe in.

I’m not looking for a handout, just a little help. The goal I’m setting on GoFundMe is something I’ve carefully looked at to simply help us regain our footing with the accumulated medical debt I can’t get us in front of. I’m not about to ask for help without giving something in return, so to try and raise awareness of my medical debt issue and the GoFundMe I’ve set up I’m going to be streaming weekly on Twitch on Friday and Sunday nights to at least offer some entertainment and maybe laughs in return. While bits and subs are always appreciated normally, for this, direct GoFundMe donations are much more needed right now.

Do not, do not, help if you can’t afford to. I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to that could take anything from you, your loved ones, children or your family so you go without in some fashion. I have enough guilt already just asking for help in the first place, so taking something from someone in worse shape than we are, I’d lose sleep over. But if you can, only if you can, help would be appreciated.

I don’t know what else to do. After confiding all of this in some people, they urged me to be willing to share our story and let people help if they want to. So, I am. Thank you for reading and listening.

Below is some information about C-PTSD and I'd like to raise more awareness of it as in our case, it is commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar II or even ADHD (in youth).