Trying to figure all of this out.

Shaina passed this morning at 8am. 

You never die.

I'm not even sure how to begin. I'm not one to ask for help of any kind unless I absolutely need it.... On August 20 I was put in the hospital with Covid 19 where I stayed for 2 weeks... The day after I was taken to the hospital my wife started getting sick. Her covid test also came back positive. On August 24th she was transported to the hospital after becoming unresponsive at home with my mother. Goshen hospital had her transfered to Parkview in Fort Wayne after Scans of her brain showed she had suffered from multiple strokes and brain bleeds on both lobes of her brain and a more severe one deeper in her brain. Shes only 41 had her covid vaccine this isn't supposed to be happening to someone her age. Her brain was extremely swollen. They placed a drain tube to take off some of the pressure and kept her sadated for comfort and in a coma... I can't say enough for not only the staff at Elkhart General or the staff at Parkview regional they worked together to keep me informed during my stay at Elkhart General. She's been my support and my family's only source of income while I have been fighting for disability and kept encouraging me to keep appealing and to never give up. She some how kept the bills paid. Shes been amazing and how she did it is beyond me. But now not having her hear to answer questions I'm finding myself going blindly into trying to pay the bills. Electric,Gas, Phone, Car insurance and so on. She had a system.. what it was she never told me.. Even when I would ask her response was I got this because she knew I would be worried about it... And now those bills are starting to come due and I'm lost without her.... and definitely starting to worry. We had just taken our youngest son to college at the beginning of August and as soon as he found out about his mom he wanted to come home. But I encouraged him to stay for the time being. After completing his first final and passing there was no stopping him he wanted to be with us during this time... From the August 24 until September 9 there was no real change she wasn't getting worse and she wasn't getting any better. Slowly they brought her off the sedation removed the drain tube did a tracheostomy and was able to remove the ventilator tube. She's now on a  mask breathing on her own some times  and vitals have been holding steady. She's still not responding to verbal commands or able to open her eyes. I was able to go see her with our son's this last Saturday. It was very hard to see her and not have her respond or smile at me.... While I was with her I called our 4 year old foster daughter thinking if anyone could get a response out of her it's our Angel..... As soon as Miss Abbys voice filled the room with Hello Aunt Shaina I Love You! Shaina turned her head a little and moved her jaw.. The nurse said it was most likely involuntary movement but I want to believe she heard that little ones voice and wanted to say I love you back..... When the doctor came in she asked Shaina if she wanted to see me so while she was checking her pupil dilation she held open her eyes long enough for me to do another test... Shaina loves my beard and has threatened me with divorce if I ever shaved it off.... I was wearing a mask so you couldn't see my beard so I jokingly told her I had shaved my beard off hoping to get a response. Her eyes started to water and a tear fell from her right eye onto her cheek.... There was no eye movement but  I'd like to think she was crying and upset as bad as it sounds once again hoping for a response of any kind.... Before the doctor closed her eyes I did pull my mask down showing her that everything was still there took her hand and put it on my beard so she could feel it.... I told her I loved her and would see her soon. Kissed her on her forehead and left the room. She's not out of the woods yet. They don't know how much damage was done to the brain from the stokes and bleeds.... Her body is absorbing the blood and her last scan didn't look as bad as the first. So there is still hope... But for now we wait we wait for anything.... If and when she wakes up and gets out we will be looking at long term care at another facility and rehab so it's gonna be a long road...... As for me I'm still on oxygen but pushing myself to get stronger..... As soon as I'm able I will be applying for any job I can get.... Not having any work experience for the last 6 years and being on large amounts of opiate medications and having a spinel cord implant to help with lower back and leg pain is going to limit me to what I can do.... But at this point I don't care if I'm washing dishes some place if it keeps the lights, phones  and gas turned on along with food on the table.... This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to type and put out there.. I'm a very private person but an open book if asked..... I've never had anything to hide from anyone and have no problem telling my story or even Shainas knowing at the end of the day I could look at myself in the mirror knowing that I've done all that I could do. And for now all I can do is give her time to heal and keep our heads afloat any way I can while she's healing...

As of 9/18 there has been no new improvements. After doing a EEG scan they said there was little to No activity in the part of the brain that effects consciousness or the ability to wake up. I've been told that even if she did wake up she would be severely disabled and live in a nursing home for the rest of her life. And that's the best case scenario. The amount of damage that was done to the brain is normally seen in victims of a car accident or motorcycle accident after severe head trauma. They've been talking about palliative care long-term in a nursing home and or calling in hospice. The last thing that my wife would want to do is be hooked up to machines that made her breathe made her heart beat and basically made her love she would be extremely miserable living like this. I've been asked to make a decision that no spouse wants to make especially when your spouse is younger than you. I can't imagine living my life without her but I also can't imagine living a life knowing that she's locked up in a nursing home somewhere if God forbid we have more covid lockdowns as it is I have an aunt who I haven't seen in 2 years because of the covid lockdowns and a nursing care facility I can't imagine that I can't imagine not being able to tell my wife I love her everyday and know that she's hearing me or knowing that she's able to respond I can't imagine what it would feel like to be trapped in her body knowing that she wasn't able to communicate or be out on her motorcycle or even spend time with our kids... I've got some really hard choices and decisions that I have to make and all I can do is pray that I make the right ones for her well-being and quality of life.... 

 Thank you everyone for the continued prays and support it means the world to me and I'm overwhelmed by all the well wishes and prayers that have been sent.