Donation protected
This is something that is hard for me to write out and share; anyone who knows me personally knows that I really struggle to ask for help until I absolutely need it.
The past year has pushed me in ways that have allowed me to grow beyond anything I could have imagined I could be a year ago— I have grown personally, in resilience, creatively, in wealth of community and connections, introspectively, professionally, and in so many other intricate ways. This past year has also challenged me beyond belief (as it has so many other people in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend). I want to fully acknowledge that I completely realize that I am incredibly blessed to be in the position I am in. At only about a week and a half shy of 28 years old, I have the honor of owning a business and holding a space that in many ways affords me the freedom to live a fulfilling life most of the time. I have the opportunity to connect with people on a much deeper level than any other job has allowed me the opportunity to experience. I get to share something that I love with people daily.
With that being said, between the stress and physical, mental and financial burnout of staying consistently present and available for my community for the past 11 months during the COVID-19 pandemic as well as stress in a few areas of my personal life and mental health, I am hitting a point where I could use support.
I’ve recently been working with a therapist to work through some old trauma and grief and in that work we have landed on a few mental health diagnoses— persistent Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and C-PTSD as well as a couple of body-focused repetitive behaviors that fall under the OCD umbrella that I have unknowingly and habitually used since I was very young to relieve anxiety spikes— all of which feel like a sigh of relief to me because they have finally begun to give me answers as to things that I have continuously experienced through my childhood and young adulthood to now. Additionally, I am currently processing a volume of grief from the collection of a few current circumstances that equate to what my therapist described as “the amount of grief that someone might expect to experience over a period of 18 months to 2 years” all at once. As much of a relief as these answers are, the initial work that I’m doing to process them layered on top of the griefs that I’m experiencing while leading and holding space for a community that reaches hundreds of people is proving to be too much for my plate at this time. The symptoms are nothing new, but the deep work that goes into intentionally and effectively working through them is.
A year ago I probably would have hit this point in my mental health and given up completely, closed up shop and been done. Over the past 11 months of being open during this incredibly challenging time that we have all moved and evolved through together, I have begun to realize the true depth of the value of my work which has given me a deeper sense of ownership over my job. Over this past year I have had so many people tell me how much the space that I and the other teachers and bodywork therapists at Eastern Shore Yoga hold has helped them this year. I’ve consistently heard things like “I get so much from your classes”, “thank you so much for doing what you do”, “you don’t know how much you have helped me” and many other things along those lines. Because of that, I know that I cannot give up even though I am in a difficult, paralyzing place. I also don’t want to give up; I want to keep going.
My therapist has been suggesting that I find a way to take a month off or at least take a month where I substantially scale myself back to focus on my mental health. Because of the cycle of financial burnout that I have been experiencing over the past 14 months due to the pandemic and the fact that I’m heading into my historically slowest time of the year, scaling back sounds impossible and terrifying to me. As some people know, I bought Eastern Shore Yoga in April 2019, finished paying it off in February 2020 and have been pushing through the financial sludge of the pandemic with very little cushioning since then. As financially impossible as it feels to me to take time off, in terms of my mental health I know that I cannot continue to push through where I am without significant consequences to my health. I’ve been pushing through too much for too long.
It feels so awkward for me to ask for people to donate money for me to keep my business alive while I take a step back from working to focus on my health but under the circumstances of the past year, I know that I’ve done all I could. I’m lucky to still be open at all. When I first opened Notes on my phone to start drafting this out, all I could do was burst out crying because I felt so uncomfortable. Fears of people thinking I’m over-exaggerating or that I’m being lazy are really clouding my mind. I am trying to view this through a lens of community and reciprocal, unconditional love. I have set a donation goal that would help me to keep things running while I take space to focus on my mental health and well-being during the month of June. Currently my plan is to continue working with my weekly private clients, to fulfill my commitment to the Sunset Yoga series that I am leading at CBMM through the month of June and to host our upcoming Summer Solstice Artist Market. Beyond that, I will be temporarily pulling myself off of the group class schedule at the studio for the month of June, which will create a little more space for the other teachers who I work with to expand their offerings however that unfortunately doesn’t pay my rent (especially in the summer months). At the urging of my therapist, I am considering the possibility of an in-patient care program to help me stabilize where I currently am with less distractions in which case the current plan would shift but that is just an option that I am researching at this point.
I am so incredibly grateful to anyone who has taken the time to read and understand what I’ve shared here. Sharing something this open, honest and raw to a community that you lead is scarier than I was thinking it would be on a whole different level that is different than being open with family and friends, especially in a corner of society where “good vibes only” can be so easily and dismissively tossed around in response to anything that deviates from the narrative of “yoga bliss”. I know that many of you will unfortunately be able to empathize with what I am working through to some degree or maybe even to a greater degree and in that empathy I know that there is support which has given me a lot of strength to be open and honest about where I am.
Thank you so much for any and all support that you send my way!
With love & gratitude,
Jenn
The past year has pushed me in ways that have allowed me to grow beyond anything I could have imagined I could be a year ago— I have grown personally, in resilience, creatively, in wealth of community and connections, introspectively, professionally, and in so many other intricate ways. This past year has also challenged me beyond belief (as it has so many other people in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend). I want to fully acknowledge that I completely realize that I am incredibly blessed to be in the position I am in. At only about a week and a half shy of 28 years old, I have the honor of owning a business and holding a space that in many ways affords me the freedom to live a fulfilling life most of the time. I have the opportunity to connect with people on a much deeper level than any other job has allowed me the opportunity to experience. I get to share something that I love with people daily.
With that being said, between the stress and physical, mental and financial burnout of staying consistently present and available for my community for the past 11 months during the COVID-19 pandemic as well as stress in a few areas of my personal life and mental health, I am hitting a point where I could use support.
I’ve recently been working with a therapist to work through some old trauma and grief and in that work we have landed on a few mental health diagnoses— persistent Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and C-PTSD as well as a couple of body-focused repetitive behaviors that fall under the OCD umbrella that I have unknowingly and habitually used since I was very young to relieve anxiety spikes— all of which feel like a sigh of relief to me because they have finally begun to give me answers as to things that I have continuously experienced through my childhood and young adulthood to now. Additionally, I am currently processing a volume of grief from the collection of a few current circumstances that equate to what my therapist described as “the amount of grief that someone might expect to experience over a period of 18 months to 2 years” all at once. As much of a relief as these answers are, the initial work that I’m doing to process them layered on top of the griefs that I’m experiencing while leading and holding space for a community that reaches hundreds of people is proving to be too much for my plate at this time. The symptoms are nothing new, but the deep work that goes into intentionally and effectively working through them is.
A year ago I probably would have hit this point in my mental health and given up completely, closed up shop and been done. Over the past 11 months of being open during this incredibly challenging time that we have all moved and evolved through together, I have begun to realize the true depth of the value of my work which has given me a deeper sense of ownership over my job. Over this past year I have had so many people tell me how much the space that I and the other teachers and bodywork therapists at Eastern Shore Yoga hold has helped them this year. I’ve consistently heard things like “I get so much from your classes”, “thank you so much for doing what you do”, “you don’t know how much you have helped me” and many other things along those lines. Because of that, I know that I cannot give up even though I am in a difficult, paralyzing place. I also don’t want to give up; I want to keep going.
My therapist has been suggesting that I find a way to take a month off or at least take a month where I substantially scale myself back to focus on my mental health. Because of the cycle of financial burnout that I have been experiencing over the past 14 months due to the pandemic and the fact that I’m heading into my historically slowest time of the year, scaling back sounds impossible and terrifying to me. As some people know, I bought Eastern Shore Yoga in April 2019, finished paying it off in February 2020 and have been pushing through the financial sludge of the pandemic with very little cushioning since then. As financially impossible as it feels to me to take time off, in terms of my mental health I know that I cannot continue to push through where I am without significant consequences to my health. I’ve been pushing through too much for too long.
It feels so awkward for me to ask for people to donate money for me to keep my business alive while I take a step back from working to focus on my health but under the circumstances of the past year, I know that I’ve done all I could. I’m lucky to still be open at all. When I first opened Notes on my phone to start drafting this out, all I could do was burst out crying because I felt so uncomfortable. Fears of people thinking I’m over-exaggerating or that I’m being lazy are really clouding my mind. I am trying to view this through a lens of community and reciprocal, unconditional love. I have set a donation goal that would help me to keep things running while I take space to focus on my mental health and well-being during the month of June. Currently my plan is to continue working with my weekly private clients, to fulfill my commitment to the Sunset Yoga series that I am leading at CBMM through the month of June and to host our upcoming Summer Solstice Artist Market. Beyond that, I will be temporarily pulling myself off of the group class schedule at the studio for the month of June, which will create a little more space for the other teachers who I work with to expand their offerings however that unfortunately doesn’t pay my rent (especially in the summer months). At the urging of my therapist, I am considering the possibility of an in-patient care program to help me stabilize where I currently am with less distractions in which case the current plan would shift but that is just an option that I am researching at this point.
I am so incredibly grateful to anyone who has taken the time to read and understand what I’ve shared here. Sharing something this open, honest and raw to a community that you lead is scarier than I was thinking it would be on a whole different level that is different than being open with family and friends, especially in a corner of society where “good vibes only” can be so easily and dismissively tossed around in response to anything that deviates from the narrative of “yoga bliss”. I know that many of you will unfortunately be able to empathize with what I am working through to some degree or maybe even to a greater degree and in that empathy I know that there is support which has given me a lot of strength to be open and honest about where I am.
Thank you so much for any and all support that you send my way!
With love & gratitude,
Jenn
Organizer
Jenn Swaine
Organizer
Easton, MD