December 2021…I wasn’t able to save any of my journal updates or your kind messages from the original GoFundMe page, so I will try to post them as I can to this new account.

February 2021

I HAVE MULTI-FOCAL BREAST CANCER...

In February I went for my first mammogram and less than a week later received a call that something looked “suspicious” in my right breast and to schedule another mammogram and ultrasound. I knew those words on such a gut level from a year ago having gone through the same exact steps with Mom, but remained open minded that it could just be fibroids and a dense breast issue.

That next appointment they told me it was actually 4 areas of high concern...three masses/tumors and one area of a cluster of calcifications. It was considered then to be a Grade 5 finding of malignancy and I was scheduled for 4 biopsies, three by ultrasound guided and one by mammogram guided. Thankfully, my sister Heather came down from Ventura that day to take me and just be there for support even though no one was allowed to be physically with you in the procedures. That time between the biopsies and pathology report was painfully numbing. Many details in this whole process, but will condense for journaling sake.

Then receiving that heart-wrenching phone call...YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER. Three areas are positive of cancer, one is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (it has extended beyond the duct into surrounding tissue), one is Ductal Carcinoma in situ high grade (cancer is confined to the duct), the Calcifications are cancerous as well and the last tumor is a fibroid that is benign but a risk to attract cancer cells. ALL will need to be removed.

On Wednesday I met with the Oncologist to confirm my diagnosis and discussed my treatment options...again, so thankful that my sister in law Tasha who is a Nurse could facetime with my appointment to help me understand it all and ask any additional questions. At this time, I ask for your respect and understanding in that I am keeping my “stages” of the cancer private.

Treatment Options: A lumpectomy is basically ruled out at this time since it is such a large multi-focal area to be removed and would still require additional tissue to be removed for safe margins around it. The decision at this time is whether to have a Mastectomy of just my right breast OR to have a Double Mastectomy. The left breast regardless would still require reconstruction surgery to match the new right breast. This week I’ll be having genetic testing since cancer runs in my family, and that will help in making this decision as well. If we leave the left breast there is a higher chance that another cancer can develop there, and with me still being in my 50’s that leaves a possible 30 years of always being suspicious, on high alert and vulnerable for such. At this time it does not appear that any lymph nodes are affected but we won’t know for sure until surgery when they remove some and test at that time. Another glitch in this whole craziness, is that I have to transfer my care now to City of Hope Cancer Center in Duarte as the Oncologist/Surgeon here can do my surgery but there is no Plastic Surgeon to perform my reconstruction that accepts my insurance. The positive aspect of having all my treatment at the Duarte location is that every team member will be in house and centralized. In the next few weeks I will meet with my team and plan for surgery for most likely a double mastectomy. The plastic surgeon at that time will insert “expanders” in the breast areas to “hold the space” with weekly inflations until I am healed enough for another surgery for the actual breast implants and reconstruction...that could be months away. I will likely be staying with Kendra and Scott in Burbank for the two or so weeks after surgery for the recovery period and follow up appointments since it is a hardship of a distance for me from where I live in Menifee, another hardship of being by myself and likely impossible for me to navigate getting up and down a flight of stairs on my own following surgery. We won’t know if Chemo is required or not until after surgery. It may only be required to take an oral chemo pill for the next 5 years OR it may require actual chemo. If the entire breasts are removed then I will hopefully not require any Radiation...hallelujah.

Please compassionately and empathetically understand that I am a hot mess of emotions as you can imagine and already feel completely beaten up and at rock bottom from this past year of blows from Mom passing from her own breast cancer, to my broken leg, to my struggle with Covid that still continues and now taking on this monumental fight of breast cancer. Grief is my middle name now it seems. Many stages of emotions in this journey as well. Mom wasn’t even given a choice to fight her cancer as any option of treatment was too high a risk for her due to her stroke and health issues. I feel like part of me HAS to fight this for BOTH of us now. And yet, in brutal honesty, I also am deeply struggling with feeling like why bother...at the beginning and end of the day it is just ME. Most others are so driven and passionate about living and enduring all of this for their husbands and children, and understandably so. I know I have “family”, my siblings and nieces and nephews whom I adore more than anyone in this world. I am ANGRY right now in this moment and SAD for the reality gut punch of losing part of my physical body, my identity as a woman, possibly my hair, my job and financial stability, my health in general, my future of what I thought it would be, as well as the shock of having to even consider...how much time do I have left to my life. And yes, counseling will be implemented in the next few weeks to help me process this road ahead.

For now, just share your love and friendship with me. Support me in whatever decisions I make ahead. None are easy. Pray for me. I know God is in all the details even if I don’t see or feel it. I BELIEVE it. Once surgery, recovery, chemo & rehab are in place I am sure there will be ways to come alongside as many offer in such times to help with meals, transportation, etc. Pray that I can also get Disability to cover the time ahead with what I have remaining since already depending & drawing upon it to cover me during my broken leg & Covid illness this past year and that financially I can survive this journey. We may make an “Amazon Cancer Wish List” for specific items needed if anyone wants to help in that way of providing tangible items required for recovery (special pillows, etc.). And I know my siblings...Laurel & Rick, Heather, Kendra & Scott, Chris & Tasha are my front-line support and encouragement in all of this plot twist of life.

Love your loved ones.