This is so hard for me to write as I hold my Daddys while on the hospice floor of the hospital listening to him "talk in his sleep"...But he's not sleeping. I feel heartless being on my phone, but I'm desperate. Really desperate.
My father has suffered in pain most of his adult life. From a motorcycle accident leaving him with broken bones, car accident, tractor trailer accident, horseshoe kidney with rare painful kidney stones, pulmonary embolism, COPD...ECT. But NOTHING has compared to the pain I've been seeing him endure over the last 5 days.
He's been making frequent hospital visited since December due to kidney issues mostly. One was because he started becoming incoherent. Hospital blamed it on a kidney infection due to stones the size of golfballs blocking his urine in. Sent home, but he wasn't the same man. They put double tubes draining his kidneys until surgery to remove stones. My dad has Medicare, so co pays on social security disability check, is hard, very hard.
I watched him suffer from this kidney pain until the Saturday before his surgery, February 11th 2017 when he asked me to take him to the store because he "just didn't feel so good". I see him, and he's jaundice (yellow), completely. I get things from the store, then go to the hospital.
They said it was a stone blocking his pancrease, but doing a CT scan to confirm....The nightmare gets worse...
The next morning, a doctor asks to "speak frankly" with me, andpro reds to tell me he doesn't believe it's a stone, but a mass...A tumor, pancreatic cancer. They were doing and"endoscopic biopsy" in the morning, and also put a stent inso the bile can drain. It will take days together the results to tell if it def is in fact, cancer. But it's less than 15% chance that it wasn't. After the procedure, doctor approachedmy mom saying just itIS cancer, Heidi still sending it off to pathology to find out the name...But he's "seen this before", and explained the have a drainage tube instead of a stent because the tumor was too thick on the duct opening.
We were told he needed a PET scan to stage it. So while we waited for pathology, he comes home. He's eating, drinking, walking, talking...ECT. sometimes it would hurt to eat to the point he'd pass on meals, but he ate! First pet scan, a week later was canceled,he wanted my mother there who at the moment,throwing up in her bathroom. Second scan, a week later, they go but send him home cause his sure was too high to do the scan,3rd aweek later he was too weakto go cause his sugar was only 50 and that's too low (did I mention he's type 2 diabetic). Finally, got him in this past Monday, March 6th for the pet scan. They could only do 60% because the pain holding still for so long he couldn't take. Again, he's no longer yellow, he's eating, talking, watching TV, drinking, eating about 2 watermelons a day, but it's hurting to eat all the time now, so I went to the store and bout tons of yogurts,fruits,veggies, carnation instant breakfasts, ECT...To make him smoothies and shakes. He comes home from there lethargic, weak, and over all looking and feeling bad.
The following day, was his appointment with the oncologist, first time. This is the stay March 7th, 2 pm. Used a walker, but he WALKED. But in the office, while the oncologist was explaining he has stage 4 cancer, my dad was falling asleep, or so we though. He's saying it's spread to his stomach, liver, lymph nodes, and the abdominal wall (which is rare). He's not a candidate for surgery. My father didn't wanted radiation or chemo. I asked my dad if he heard what was going on, and to my surprise...He knew and said "yeah, it's terminal"...I walk out to ask the doctor the question you Don't want to ask, how long...?
12 months with treatment,maybe 6 months with out. But by the looks of him in there, I don't think his body would handle it.

The walls were squeezing me, I felt hot, flushed, dry mouth, nauseated and ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and cried. Took him home, explained things to my mom, and I had to go to work. I couldn't focus, work was empty and slow, Andi just wanted to go to my dad so my co-workers allowed me to leave early. I left at 945pm. Arrived home to find him
Moaning in pain like I've never seen, not responding very well, and was informed he just woke up. So he hadn't ate or drank all day or night. I told him we may need to take him to the hospital (trying to keep calm while I'm panicking inside). We ended up calling an ambulance. My mom is sick in her bathroom (panic attack) and my husband and go behind the ambulance. While in that room, my dad was SCREAMING in agony. I've seen people with broken bones, car accidents, back injuries...But NOTHING like the pain or sound he was making. At one point, while Drs were rushing him in day in a fetal position and help my ears crying. No, he didn't see this,he didn't open his eyes all night,until someone gently touched his stomach, and he screamed so lousing,others rushed in. His veins were all collapsing, blood pressure was extremely low. While waiting for the ambulance, I took his blood pressure and sugar. 85/47 and sugar was 40. I fed him(never had to do that before) a high in sugar yogurt and made him drink orange juice. At the hospital it was up to 86. But with his BP dropping rapidly, and veins collapsing, they couldn't give him pain meds cause it would drop lower, and couldn't give him saline because no veins from dehydration. They went into an artery in his arm. It hardly worked, but enough to get some pain meds in him that helped...A little.
My mom made in at 5am, and I went home to relieve a friend who rushed to my house to watch my sleeping child while we sat with my dad. She's amazing.
The next day, he was in the ICU on high doses of fentenal, saline and BP meds , all through a main artery in his neck going practically to his heart.
He was doing 50% better than the night before, but 1000% worse than the week before. They did a CT scan, it grew and spread even more, and so rapid. 2mm inital tumor to 4.6 cm!
I asked the dr the same question I asked his oncologist the day before (which seemed So much longer), she said "maybe a month, 2 weeks or so, I'm so sorry". The next day, thursday, he's back to being in several pain, his pain meds aren't helping, he's in agony. Had a meeting with a team of Drs, and was told "a few days, a week maybe". I'm not in shock, it hasn't even been 48 hours since the appointment with his oncologist staging it, how has ALL this happened in less than 2 days!? They proposed another medication in addition to the ones he's on, ketamine.
I watched a miracle, he opened his eyes, talked, and we even assisted him on to the toilet, he was the man from WEEKS before. Pain was "only" a 6, "maybe" a 6! His words. He was joking with my daughter,laughing...ECT. it was amazing! But hours later, I was watching him slip again. Didn't understand why. Why did the meds stop working... Why? So he was given a med to help him sleep.
I then noticed they took him OFF the saline. His BP was dropping and he was 100% non responsive!! I was curious, it's like they were putting him to sleep like a dog! I demanded it back. After an hour, they did. 30 minutes later, he opened his eyes,BP was back up, but he wasn't the same. It's like he was dreaming,talking in his sleep, but was awake. Said his own name, but when I asked him who I was, I was "god" or marmalade....My heart couldn't take anymore at that time. I "knew" I was gonna lose him that night, we were gonna lose him...I started feeling bad. Chest pain, dizzy, hot, sweaty,shaking, heart racing. I ended up collapsing. I was now taken to the ER due to my own heart conditions. Didnt help I "forgot" to eat since the afternoon before. While I was there, my father switched rooms. From ICU to CCI, that turned into a nightmare.
The new nurse refused to have his pain meds as high as its ORDERED to be, cause he "didn't feel comfortable". This itself created a problem big enough that security was called on my husband who was flipping out on the nurse to do what his chart says and keep my father as comfortable as possible. His response to my mom "fine, I'll give him the meds, and if he stops breathing, that's your fault".
After all that was settled, my dad was back on his doses, but still just "sleeping" or talking odd. I went home at 730am this morning (Friday). Fell asleep after 8am only to get a call at 930 from a hospice nurse. He's now being moved to the 6th floor, and hoping from there, moving him to a hospice facility. I do NOT want that, at all. I call my mom, she holds the phone to my dad and I say hi, he responded! I ask his name, he says it,then I asks if he knows who I am? He responds. "of course I do" I said who am I" he says it! Shannon" Shannon, Shannon !!!I'm rushing around excited to get back up here! But when I arrived, my name is only Shannon a couple times, it's back to marmalade. And now, as I type this, not even words. It has taken me hours to write this...
He has gasped for air, pulled at tubes, and cursed me out about not removing the peewee off the grill before it burns her....
But he has talked in his sleep about seriously things such as "the house, it's getting taken away from you guys" or "they need to take little man's school serious", "tell them watch out, Chuckie is walking the floors" (my daughter Charli) "my hunny bunny knows I love her" and at one point asks for a flashlight to look for "a picture of her, a beautiful little girl; a bride...I need to find the picture" of who dad? "A princess, Shannon". I'm crying now writing this, his dreaming is real to him, and he's thinking about all of us. I've been responding to everything as if it's a normal Convo. Giving him drinks, sneaking him little bits of yogurt and have only let go of his hand to go pee and set up my daughter with a game.

This isn't daddy, I'm his little girl. I NEED him, I Can't lose him. I Don't want to accept this. My mother is even feeding him a CbC oil known to fight cancer, and berries also known to fight cancer in hopes for a miracle. Both things we can't affterd, but if we don't try, we will always regret and wonder!
If the worst happens, there is no plot, or Life insurance. My dad deserves this, I need a place to go "see" and snuggle my daddy....I NEED this if he goes. My mom needs this,my husband, daughter, nephews...And before anyone says "why didn't he have life insurance" because with his medical history as a young adult until now, hasn't been the best, and insurance expensive. This all happened so, SO fast. It's now 2:15 am on saturday and I'm so thankful he's here another day. I'm hoping more than anything so he's here tomorrow and is awake enough for me to explain how much I love him again, and hold him.
This is set up for medical expenses that his Medicare didn't cover, co pays, helping my mother with expenses since when my dad passes there's no income until she is approved for disability (wasn't eligible since her and my dad are married,but she's been handicap since 1992 from a car accident), repaying borrowed money for the homeopathic meds my mother has been giving, and funeral expenses. I know everyone has these things floating around, and I hate asking, but we are desperate. I am spending every penny I can on these things, but it's not much. Thank for taking the time to read, and thank you even more for donating.