We joke that Xiao Long is our first kid, but in a way, he really was the first commitment Ashley and I made together.

I had started this to in hopes of helping pay for the bloat surgery, but it HAD a happy conclusion where we got to spend more time with XL.. Unfortunately, Xiao Long had complication overnight, and this story no longer has a happy ending. Everywhere we turn in this house, there's memories of a missing piece - but the vet bill that we really couldn't afford is just insult to injury.

I know that God would not put any challenges for us that we could not overcome, but it is so hard to focus on grace, and love, when we are hit with loss, and sorrow. I think if I still had the stability of my job, and health insurance for the family, I would be less worried about the dent in the savings... but the perfect storm of losing my job, changing jobs, having to wait for insurance, and losing out on that buffer of saving for COBRA has just put a huge burden of uncertainty that has taken away my "luxury" of focusing on mourning.

As the provider and the protector of my family, it was difficult to put this together. I am struck with a sense of shame for not being a better provider. I don't want to do this, and the Chinese upbringing tells me to bury the feelings, plow through, survive... The part of me that now knows God though, tells me to be vulnerable, to open myself up to love, and to allow others to help if they are able.

We will make it through, and your words of comfort, and sharing of memories are the absolute best thing the Shyu family can ask for - but if you have the means, and are able, our family would appreciate it.

A little about xl, for anyone who didn't already know:

Jan 2017, Ashley and I made the big decision to look for a great Dane. Ashley had meticulously combed through different breeders, to find that perfect match. Once found, she obsessed over the pup every single day until the day we picked him up - which included every day we spent in Taiwan in March of 2017.

As soon as we landed back in socal from a 13 hour flight from Taiwan, we started to drive to New Mexico... I swear I was probably delirious for most of that drive from sleep deprecation, but it was all worth it when we finally got to meet him in person.

We tried to do everything right by him. Fed him lean food for the first 2 years so that he could grow big and tall without the extra bulk and weight that would hurt his bone and muscle development. It certainly resulted in an extended awkward phase where he was just all limbs while other similar aged Danes were all big and beefy, but I belief that XL had a better, and healthier life because of the decisions Ashley and I made.

He basically went everywhere with us, and grew up with our ACTUAL kids. He happily acts as their pillows when they wanted, and put up with their roughhousing. He's the reason why our kids think of all other dogs as puppies, because they probably aren't nearly as tall .

In the last year, he has definitely started slowing down, but still plenty of GO left in him.. Especially if a bear shows up on TV. Nothing gets him into full protection mode like a bear. Luckily we've never had to test if its the same in person.

We've worried about how much longer we will have him, but when the moment comes, no matter how much we tried to steel ourselves to the eventuality, it doesn't make it any easier.

We love you, we miss you, and we will count the days until we see you again on the other side..