James Lights the Way
Donation protected
As we approach James first birthday I am filled with emotion. How many teeth would he have, what would be his favorite food, what would he be getting into, would he be walking, what would his personality be like?
I had always wanted an October baby, from the time I was younger. We also have no October birthdays in our family so he was the first! Fall is my favorite time of year, the Kick-Off of the Holiday Season! Halloween has also always been one of my favorite Holidays! A day to dress up and use your creativity to become something else! Spooky, candy, pumpkins, costumes!!!
James was given to us on October 14th! His delivery was long and exhausting but he was worth the wait, coming into this world at six pounds even and a Mommy’s boy from the start. He had colic and we could not put him down. He tested me and pushed me to a better Mommy then I had to be with his older brother (who was a self- content baby that loved the swing and loved to sleep). James grew quickly and was nearly 13lbs by the time he was almost 3months old. We kept saying he was going to be our “Big Boy” and that we needed to call Jack his “Older Brother” not his “Big Brother”.
Devastatingly we lost our Big Boy on January 7th. Our world came to a halt that early winter morning. The moments I can recall still haunt me on a daily basis and if you catch me staring out into space I just might be in that place. It is a day I despise, yet I revisit it often, as if I am looking for something. Since that morning I have been through a rollercoaster of emotion and control. I have read every book on death, grieving and heaven. I have found God and have determined myself to get to know him and seek to find what it is he wanted me to do with this “situation”.
What I have found, so far, is that James was given to us and taken from us for a reason. I cannot let his little life become just a statistic of SIDS for FY 15. He was a person and maybe his mission was and is much greater than ours. I have also searched my heart over this time to see what he can do to help others. I have found great support for us Angel Moms/Dads and there is plenty of grief and death support out there to last anyone a life time.
One thing that I have felt during this time is that my loved ones needed support and guidance too. Brian and I have each other but sometimes when one is grieving so much the other needs a break. They need those that love them to help support that grieving process as well. That morning in the hospital Brian and I were given a box (which I wanted to throw at the sweet, crying nurse that gently handed it me. I wanted my son not some box) but a couple months later we finally opened that box and in it found his hair, foot prints, a bear, grief support information and other “touching” things. Nothing however was given to our family, the ones that would also have to live with this tragedy as well as us, two people who would never be the same.
It was the classic death/funeral process. Everyone is there at the time of the death but then they all leave…their lives go on…ours stood still. We still needed them and do today. I am not the same Nicole that I was the night before James died. My son changed me and I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but I need my loved ones to embrace that change and move with us in this “New Normal” (I really hate that phrase, as much as it is true).
With all that said we feel that James legacy will make the most impact helping others in this situation by helping their loved ones. We are seeking to use James fund to create a grief support package for the families of those that lose their children. Through this they can help ensure more support, guidance and understanding.
These “Support Packages” will be given to the immediate families at the hospital. We have hope and faith that in this way James can LIGHT THE WAY for the loved ones as well.
I had always wanted an October baby, from the time I was younger. We also have no October birthdays in our family so he was the first! Fall is my favorite time of year, the Kick-Off of the Holiday Season! Halloween has also always been one of my favorite Holidays! A day to dress up and use your creativity to become something else! Spooky, candy, pumpkins, costumes!!!
James was given to us on October 14th! His delivery was long and exhausting but he was worth the wait, coming into this world at six pounds even and a Mommy’s boy from the start. He had colic and we could not put him down. He tested me and pushed me to a better Mommy then I had to be with his older brother (who was a self- content baby that loved the swing and loved to sleep). James grew quickly and was nearly 13lbs by the time he was almost 3months old. We kept saying he was going to be our “Big Boy” and that we needed to call Jack his “Older Brother” not his “Big Brother”.
Devastatingly we lost our Big Boy on January 7th. Our world came to a halt that early winter morning. The moments I can recall still haunt me on a daily basis and if you catch me staring out into space I just might be in that place. It is a day I despise, yet I revisit it often, as if I am looking for something. Since that morning I have been through a rollercoaster of emotion and control. I have read every book on death, grieving and heaven. I have found God and have determined myself to get to know him and seek to find what it is he wanted me to do with this “situation”.
What I have found, so far, is that James was given to us and taken from us for a reason. I cannot let his little life become just a statistic of SIDS for FY 15. He was a person and maybe his mission was and is much greater than ours. I have also searched my heart over this time to see what he can do to help others. I have found great support for us Angel Moms/Dads and there is plenty of grief and death support out there to last anyone a life time.
One thing that I have felt during this time is that my loved ones needed support and guidance too. Brian and I have each other but sometimes when one is grieving so much the other needs a break. They need those that love them to help support that grieving process as well. That morning in the hospital Brian and I were given a box (which I wanted to throw at the sweet, crying nurse that gently handed it me. I wanted my son not some box) but a couple months later we finally opened that box and in it found his hair, foot prints, a bear, grief support information and other “touching” things. Nothing however was given to our family, the ones that would also have to live with this tragedy as well as us, two people who would never be the same.
It was the classic death/funeral process. Everyone is there at the time of the death but then they all leave…their lives go on…ours stood still. We still needed them and do today. I am not the same Nicole that I was the night before James died. My son changed me and I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but I need my loved ones to embrace that change and move with us in this “New Normal” (I really hate that phrase, as much as it is true).
With all that said we feel that James legacy will make the most impact helping others in this situation by helping their loved ones. We are seeking to use James fund to create a grief support package for the families of those that lose their children. Through this they can help ensure more support, guidance and understanding.
These “Support Packages” will be given to the immediate families at the hospital. We have hope and faith that in this way James can LIGHT THE WAY for the loved ones as well.
Organizer
Nicole Cassidy
Organizer
Painesville, OH